It Hurts When You Fall!

I took my kids roller skating today. They forced me. I was like, “No! I will NOT spend money on frivolous frivolities that are frivolous!”

They informed me that not only would I take them skating with a smile but that I would in fact wear the hideous roller skates provided by the facility and make a complete and utter fool of myself in public, which I tend to do anyway without hideous brown shoes with wheels attached so I agreed.

“We don’t care if you fall down,” they said. “But you’ll look ridiculous.”

As I am always ‘likening’ random stuff to other random stuff in my mind, I would like to liken Roller Skating At Skate Country to Life In General.

I arrived at Skate Country full of apprehension. I have not roller skated since I was 16 years old, so approximately 150 years. I have not skated for 150 years! And today I strapped on the ol’ feed bag. I was full of nerves.

In life we strap on the ol’ feed bag daily when we sit down to eat. Liken. Liken. Liken.

Skate Country reminded me of an indoor ghetto. I was concerned at first because I inadvertently left my “9” at home. Next time I will know to bring it.

The world we live in is sorta like a contained ghetto. The idea is good. There are fun and beautiful things to enjoy but we know we are just passing through. The place we came from was far better and the place we are going is far more promising. Unless of course you are going to hell, in which case, I will meet you there… Earth is full of terror and disease and body odor.

As I prepared to skate I was full of terror and I smelled a great deal of body odor.

I wobbled when I stood up. On Earth we wobble when we are drunk, but I don’t drink so the analogy does not apply.

I pretended to join my children in the “Beginner’s Only” section in odre to "help" them.

 A little boy of about eight years of age watched me wobbling on my sober, Mormon Mama legs. He opened his eyes wide and shouted, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!” I looked him the eye. He shouted again, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!”

My blood ran chill.

IN LIFE IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL.

I observed the people skating around me.

People were falling down left and right. Not just tripping up a little. They were like BLAM! SLAM! I mean folks were FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!

I must admit I laughed.

I laughed hard. I didn’t just giggled or chuckle. Nope.

I laughed so hard I thought I might injure myself internally. And every time I saw someone else TOTALLY EAT IT I laughed anew. I positively HOWLED every time gravity and lack of balance got the better of someone.

I laughed at small children I laughed at my OWN small children. They cried. Still I laughed. I couldn’t help it!

In life I always find the funny in every situation. Why? BECAUSE IT’S ALL A JOKE! It really is! Ultimately, when this life is over we will see how TRIVIAL most of our stresses actually are. The bottom line is we are all falling constantly. We have to get back up. Bruised. Battered. Steadier on our feet. Brace ourselves. Prepare to fall again.

I continued to observe the people skating. Some people were weaving in and out and making a great show of their very impressive roller skating skills. They ZOOMED past and held their proud heads high as if to say, “I AM SPEEDY GONZALES AND YOU ARE HIS SLOW FAT COUSIN FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT REMEMBER BUT IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE POKEY PEDRO!”

Other skaters were very cautious and clung to the wall along with 3 decades worth of boogers left by other very cautious skaters with snots in their noses.  My Bella was one of the Wall Clingers.

In life, I sometimes find boogers smeared on the walls of my own home.

Then there was the D.J. I watched my five year old request her favorite Lady Gaga. The self-important, greasy teenager tossed his greasy self-important hair off of his forehead and said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

He was high atop his pedestal usurping whatever little power he had over helpless skaters.

In life, if he ever uses that bored tone with my five year old again I will personally yank him off his greasy pedestal and stick his head in a toilet and proceed to flush vigorously over and over again as I repeat, “I’ll see what I can do…”.

So you see, roller skating is exactly like life.

I even wore my red FAITH HAT. I bought this hat when I thought spending over $100 on a blinged-out baseball hat was reasonable. I rationalized the purchase by reminding myself of the importance of FAITH and by also reminding myself that Madonna was featured wearing the SAME EXACT HAT in Star Magazine. (It’s true. Me and Madonna wear the same head gear. I’m pretty amazing. And so is Madonna because she is the most attractive 95 year old I have ever seen!)

By the end of my roller skating experience I was  ZOOMER.  I'm pretty athletic so it didn't take long for me to leave my kids in the dust.  I left them to fall and flounder and get run over by over-zealous teenagers. It's GOOD for them!  It will put hair on their chests!  Isn't that what EVERY mother wants for her son and three daughters?

SUPER STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Heartbreak

How do I protect my children from Love Heartbreak?

If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

I spent the day with Serena, 11, today.  We laughed and sang Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift lyrics at the tops of our lungs.  We had lunch with friends and strolled the mall.  I posed in store windows in order to completely embarrass her.  It was a great day!

I looked at her and suddenly realized how well I've protected her from real heartbreak.  I have shielded her from the world.

I can't do it for much longer. 

So tell me.

What do I do when the boy she loves breaks her heart?

Because he will.

And what do I do when the man she loves a few years later breaks her heart again?

Because he will.

None of us can escape the internal destruction that comes with Love.

Like we can't escape getting our heads squeezed through the birth canal to get here in the first place.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't a comfortable experience.

Love is always with us, isn't she?  No matter where are in life.  She clings.  As humans we will never be free of Love.  We cannot do without her.

Love understands there is opposition in all things.  Light.  Darkness.  Pain.  Joy.  The elation of being In Love.  The utter destruction to our very souls when Love drops us from a height we had never before reached to a low we never knew possible.

I'm terrrifed to discover what Love will do to my baby.  I would take the pain of it all for her.  I have a high pain tolerance.  But I can't, can I?

In a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce what do I tell MYSELF regarding my four children.  How can I beat the odds?

I can't promise them their spouse won't leave.  I can't prevent them from making their own mistakes that could lead to heartbreak.  I can't promise them Happily Ever After.

I saw Letters to Juliet today.  I sat and let tears slip down my face.  A beautiful boy compliments a  beautiful girl on her writing.  He reads her story.  They fall in love.  An old woman finds the love of her life after 50 years of being married to someone else.  The movie was rainbows and sunshine.  All the loose ends tied up perfectly.

Life is not like that, is it?

One of my best friends has decided she will divorce her husband.  They have multiple children together.  The pain of heartbreak can never start too young.  They will all suffer.

I feel discouraged today.

When I laughed with my daughter I felt pain accutely in my chest.  Lightening bolts.

"I love you, Mom," she said.

"I love you more," was my reply.

We smiled.

I suppose that's all I can do right now.  Smile.  Laugh as often as possible.  Pray it will be alright.  Stay close.  And be ready to catch her when she falls.

Laughter is my bravest face.

Sigh.  Forward March.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afriad.

PS  I look really fat in this picture.  I'm not.  Just so you know.  I'm mostly just PHAT!

Happy Christmas, Mary

I'll talk to anyone.  People intrigue me.

"Hey Mary!," shouted a homeless man pushing a grocery cart full of aluminum cans.

That man was shouting at me.  Since I'm not scared of homeless men pushing grocery carts full of cans I responded.

"Yes?"

"You got some spare change, Mary?"  He scratched his scalp and squinted at me.

"Yeah.  I have two bucks."  As I reached into my wallet he began talking.


"You a good woman, Mary."

"Thank you."

"You know tomorrow is Christmas?"

"Actually, tomorrow is Easter." I said.

He smiled big.  Toothless.  "Naw!  Jesus was born on April 6th!  People is all confused!"

"So it's Christmas Eve?" I asked.

"Yup.  And you got that glow, Mary."

I chuckled.  "What glow might that be?"

"That Virgin Mary glow.  You a Mama, ain't ya?"

I smiled and nodded.

"I could see it right away!  You a GOOD Mama!  You goin' in that grocery store?" he asked.

"Yup.  I'm gonna get some Easter eggs and candy."

"Now ain't it funny to be buying Easter eggs on Christmas?"  he laughed.

I laughed. "Merry Christmas," I said and walked away.

My thoughts regarding this convo:

That was the best conversation I've had all week.  How often do we dismiss people because they look different or smell weird?  Sometimes I smell weird.  Does that mean you dimiss ME?  I mean, I tried this new doederant and it didn't really work so I smell a little ripe.  I'm going to go take a bubble bath with lavender stuff because that's my fave at night.  It's very sexy and soothing.

Also, I think hunting for Easter eggs is kind of a stressfull tradition, don't you?  I remember my heart racing like my life depended on procuring the most eggs possible when I was a kid.  Then the little, aggressive brown kids would knock me down and I'd get sand in my mouth.

I saw that wild look in the eyes of my children as they hunted for eggs today.  They looked positively frantic!  It was survival of the fittest out there!  Hunting for eggs is a barbaric tradition.  I like it.  It will put hair on their chests.  Life isn't easy.  Nobody is just going to hand you an egg!  You have to WORK for your eggs in this life!

My Outfit:

Thought I'd try that whole nude from head to toe thing.  I think it's hot.  My son said, "Aren't you gonna put a shirt on Mama?". 

"This IS a shirt, baby."

"You look naked."

Perfect. 

The Birds and the Bees

Do you remember when you learned about The Birds and the Bees?  Tell me about it...  Seriously. I wanna know.  Did a friend tell you?  Did your parents sit you down?  How old were you?  It was a life-altering bit of info, wasn't it?

The first time I had a clue about the facts of life I was in Turicachi, Mexico.  I was 9.  Minding my own business.  DONKEYS.  Boy donkey.  Girl donkey.  Boy donkey charged girl donkey with his freakishly enormous donkey.  Girl donkey expressed herself with a high pitched sound I'll never forget.  YEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stood there.  Mouth agape.  Eyes wide as saucers.  What in the world were those burros DOING?!

There were several cowboys around watching me watch the animals.  They laughed loud and hard.  I grinned sheepishly and blushed. 

Everything changed that day.  It clicked, ya know?  I looked at my parents differently.  I looked at my teachers differently.  I saw every adult in a different light.  GUILTY. GUILTY. SHAMEFULLY GUILTY.

Tonight I was reminded there is no easy way to introduce the concept for the first time.

I have a nine year old.  I should have known.

I took my older girls out for a girl day.  Pedicures, manicures, dinner at the mall, and (I was grossly unprepared for this) girl talk.

Serena said, "Ohhh Mama, you look sexy."

Bella looked thoughtful.  "What does that word mean? ... Sexy..."

"Well," I said, "it means a girl is attractive to a boy.  It means she's pretty."  I thought I had dodged a bullet.

"Huh.  I've heard the word 'sex' before,  what does that mean?"

So I took a deep breath and spelled it out in excruciating detail.  Have YOU ever had to explain how boys and girls fit like a key in a keyhole?!  If you have kids and have not had that talk, PREPARE YOURSELF. It is the most bizarre experience EVER!

Think about it.  How would YOU explain this all-important physical union?  Really?  Think about every minor detail you would have to express in order for a child to understand.  Now imagine yourself actually SAYING those words.  (I'm an expert. I've done it twice now.  If you have any questions I'd be delighted to answer them for you...)

In response Bella said, "DISGUSTING!"

Serena said, "I'm adopting."

Then Bella asked, "WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO DO THAT?"

I was honest.  "Because it feels good."

They laughed as if I had told the most hilarious joke they had ever encountered.

"That is SOOOO weird!" they said as they gasped for air.  They really thought it was funny.

If you think about it, it IS pretty weird.  The act itself is stranger than fiction.  Then there is the POWER that sex holds over people.  Sex makes the world go 'round.  Single men run around doing and saying WHATEVER it takes to get some action.  Married men take out the trash, change diapers and watch chick flicks in the hopes of a lil nooky.  Stupid, selfish women use it as a munipulation device.  As an adult it simply cannot be escaped (not that I'd want that... I'm just sayin'...).

I taught Relief Society Meeting every Sunday for almost 4 years.  (For those of you who don't know, R.S. is the gathering of the women of the L.D.S. church.  We get together every Sunday and sacrifice chickens.....HAHAHAHAHA!  Do I really have to spell out that we don't sacrifice chickens?  Hope not.  Goats are far more impressive...)  The very first lesson I was asked to teach was... GUESS WHAT?... The Sex Lesson.  I'm not kidding!  I had to stand up there and tell the women how to talk to their children and how to remain clean and faithful to their husbands.  I had to say the word SEX in front of 150 women with scriptures on their laps!  SHEESH!

Now that I'm an expert in divulging the sacred secrets of the Universe, I feel I'm qualified to offer YOU some advice.  If you have children your time is coming. Listen up.  CHILL OUT!  NO WEIRD VIBES!  BE HONEST!  HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!

PS  If YOU don't tell them someone else will!  (Or maybe you'll get lucky and they'll witness donkeys in action and be irreversebly scarred for life...)   Mmmmk? Mmmmk.