Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It Hurts When You Fall!

I took my kids roller skating today. They forced me. I was like, “No! I will NOT spend money on frivolous frivolities that are frivolous!”

They informed me that not only would I take them skating with a smile but that I would in fact wear the hideous roller skates provided by the facility and make a complete and utter fool of myself in public, which I tend to do anyway without hideous brown shoes with wheels attached so I agreed.

“We don’t care if you fall down,” they said. “But you’ll look ridiculous.”

As I am always ‘likening’ random stuff to other random stuff in my mind, I would like to liken Roller Skating At Skate Country to Life In General.

I arrived at Skate Country full of apprehension. I have not roller skated since I was 16 years old, so approximately 150 years. I have not skated for 150 years! And today I strapped on the ol’ feed bag. I was full of nerves.

In life we strap on the ol’ feed bag daily when we sit down to eat. Liken. Liken. Liken.

Skate Country reminded me of an indoor ghetto. I was concerned at first because I inadvertently left my “9” at home. Next time I will know to bring it.

The world we live in is sorta like a contained ghetto. The idea is good. There are fun and beautiful things to enjoy but we know we are just passing through. The place we came from was far better and the place we are going is far more promising. Unless of course you are going to hell, in which case, I will meet you there… Earth is full of terror and disease and body odor.

As I prepared to skate I was full of terror and I smelled a great deal of body odor.

I wobbled when I stood up. On Earth we wobble when we are drunk, but I don’t drink so the analogy does not apply.

I pretended to join my children in the “Beginner’s Only” section in odre to "help" them.

 A little boy of about eight years of age watched me wobbling on my sober, Mormon Mama legs. He opened his eyes wide and shouted, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!” I looked him the eye. He shouted again, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!”

My blood ran chill.


I observed the people skating around me.

People were falling down left and right. Not just tripping up a little. They were like BLAM! SLAM! I mean folks were FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!

I must admit I laughed.

I laughed hard. I didn’t just giggled or chuckle. Nope.

I laughed so hard I thought I might injure myself internally. And every time I saw someone else TOTALLY EAT IT I laughed anew. I positively HOWLED every time gravity and lack of balance got the better of someone.

I laughed at small children I laughed at my OWN small children. They cried. Still I laughed. I couldn’t help it!

In life I always find the funny in every situation. Why? BECAUSE IT’S ALL A JOKE! It really is! Ultimately, when this life is over we will see how TRIVIAL most of our stresses actually are. The bottom line is we are all falling constantly. We have to get back up. Bruised. Battered. Steadier on our feet. Brace ourselves. Prepare to fall again.

I continued to observe the people skating. Some people were weaving in and out and making a great show of their very impressive roller skating skills. They ZOOMED past and held their proud heads high as if to say, “I AM SPEEDY GONZALES AND YOU ARE HIS SLOW FAT COUSIN FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT REMEMBER BUT IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE POKEY PEDRO!”

Other skaters were very cautious and clung to the wall along with 3 decades worth of boogers left by other very cautious skaters with snots in their noses.  My Bella was one of the Wall Clingers.

In life, I sometimes find boogers smeared on the walls of my own home.

Then there was the D.J. I watched my five year old request her favorite Lady Gaga. The self-important, greasy teenager tossed his greasy self-important hair off of his forehead and said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

He was high atop his pedestal usurping whatever little power he had over helpless skaters.

In life, if he ever uses that bored tone with my five year old again I will personally yank him off his greasy pedestal and stick his head in a toilet and proceed to flush vigorously over and over again as I repeat, “I’ll see what I can do…”.

So you see, roller skating is exactly like life.

I even wore my red FAITH HAT. I bought this hat when I thought spending over $100 on a blinged-out baseball hat was reasonable. I rationalized the purchase by reminding myself of the importance of FAITH and by also reminding myself that Madonna was featured wearing the SAME EXACT HAT in Star Magazine. (It’s true. Me and Madonna wear the same head gear. I’m pretty amazing. And so is Madonna because she is the most attractive 95 year old I have ever seen!)

By the end of my roller skating experience I was  ZOOMER.  I'm pretty athletic so it didn't take long for me to leave my kids in the dust.  I left them to fall and flounder and get run over by over-zealous teenagers. It's GOOD for them!  It will put hair on their chests!  Isn't that what EVERY mother wants for her son and three daughters?

SUPER STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!