Legion: We Are Many Or The Spookiest Bible Story Ever

"On the way home from work I was reminded of a true story I'd like to tell you.  I was listening to the book Jesus The Christ in the car."


I am at dinner with my little family.


They look at me expectantly.


" Mmmmk.  So once upon a time there was a crazy guy.  He was nuts. He screamed and cut himself with rocks and made terrifying faces at the townspeople.  

(I make horrible faces and pretend to cut my flesh with sharp rocks and then I scream a little which makes them all jump and giggle nervously.)


All the people in the town were really freaked out.  This crazy guy lived in the mountains like a wild animal.  He didn't even take baths or brush his teeth.


Jesus heard about this man and wanted to show the people the power of God so He went up the mountain.  


Turns out the man wasn't just your run of the mill lunatic.  He was FULL OF DEMONS!


(I make my face ugly and do scary hands and bug out my eyes and my voice becomes raspy like a 98 year old smoker.)


He said his name was LEGION... but it wasn't the man talking.  It was ACTUALLY the demons inside him using his body...    


Did you know there are spirits IN THIS ROOM THAT WE CAN'T EVEN SEE?  Evil ones and good ones... They are everywhere.  Sitting right next to you, probably.





So Jesus told the devils to get out of the man's body.  They didn't want to. They begged to stay in that nice cozy body.  They wanted bodies of their own.  But they don't get any.  And that's why devils hate us and want to hurt us all the time...


When they were forced out of the body of the man they jumped into the bodies of a nearby herd of pigs.  Called swine.  Swine and pigs are the same thing.


The pigs went bonkers.  They were so upset that the evil spirits were trying to share their body that they ran themselves off a cliff.  They all died.

(I squeal like a pig and snort a bit.  My children are stock still, mouths agape, eyes round as saucers.)  


The swine herders went to tell the townspeople what had occurred.  


The people rushed to find Jesus and the crazy man.


But guess what?


The crazy man was found clean and fully clothed.  He sat calmly and reverently at the feet of Jesus... 


I want you to understand from this story that when we are not careful there is potential for evil to harm us.  Sometimes we even harm ourselves.  When we let Satan and his teachings into our hearts we  can get confused.  We start to think bad is good and good is bad.


I've done it lots.  I have let bad ideas get into my head and heart.  It always, ALWAYS hurts me.


You guys need to know that The Destroyer has great power but the power of our Heavenly Father is far greater...".


I end my sermon by shoving a big piece of tortilla and beans into my mouth.

My son jumps up from his dinner and begins screaming and attempting to rent his clothes in twain.

"What are you doing, buddy?" I ask.

He continues running and renting.

Suddenly he is on all fours.  He squeals and snorts and kicks.

Then silence.

"I am Legion," he says.  "Because we are many."







I am a mother in Zion. I am teaching my kids the scriptures.  I eat beans and tortillas for dinner.  And I am a Mormon.
   

Mormon Mom Gets Tatoo!!

“Hey slut bucket! Look what I did,” said Tara. “It hurt worse than the labor pains of all four of my kids COMBINED!”


Tara’s mom is an artist. She had one of her mother’s paintings transposed onto her back in the form of body art.

I think it’s beautiful.

So I said, “I think it’s beautiful, Ho Bag! I LOVE it!”

“I’m worried all my Mormon family members will judge me and think I’m heading down the road to destruction,” she said.

“Tara, sometimes you just get an ITCH and ya gotta scratch it!” I said. “Who CARES if they judge you. You know you’re a good person.”

“Yeah! I’m a good Mormon mommy. I go to church. I follow the rules. I just happen to like tatoos!”

“Well I think it’s AMAZING! I’m jealous. I want to get MY stupid tat covered with something spectacular too!” I said.

We discussed how angry we seem to make people just by EXISTING.

“I WISH I were all boring and not wild!” she said. “People always think I’m trying to shock them with what I do and say. I’m not trying to shock anyone! I’m SICK of people saying that! I’m just living my life here!!”

I couldn’t agree more.

“Ugh! I TOTALLY agree! It would be soooo much EASIER if I weren’t CRAZY! And I’m not even crazy! Everyone ELSE needs to step it UP! Did you know someone left a comment on my blog wondering if I’m BIPOLAR???” I laughed.

She laughed.

“DUDE! You PROBABLY ARE!”

“I know, right?! I’ve probably got ALL KINDS of issues!”

Tara and I find ourselves in an extreme minority of Mormon Mommies that like tatoos and say bad words. We are both artists in our own right and try as we might we cannot stop the flow.

We face the same discrimination. We inspire ANGER from some our Mormon peers. Anger just because we dare show our mildly disobedient mugs and laugh in the face of the inappropriate. Anger because we believe there are worse things a person can do than become a human canvas.

Why do you think people (strangers even) care so much what we do? I don’t get it.

Tara’s husband, who sat and laughed with us as he downed a vat of potato salad, just rolls his eyes at Tara’s antics. He can’t control her. She does what she pleases.

Tara is a hair GENIUS and an artist in her soul.

When I had money she used to put a grand worth of extensions in my hair every time I came to see her.  Did you HEAR ME?  That's $1000 worth of disposable hair extensions!!!! MMk?   Mmmmk.

This time I said, “Girl, just trim it. I’m STRAPPED!”

She did our hair and then we had arts and crafts time. We put lockets together with fabulous trinkets inside.

We finished playing at 2am.

“K, hooker,” she said. “See you later.”

“Aight, tramp. See ya.” I said.

We refer to each other as “tramp” and “slut” because nothing could be further from the truth.

When she calls me Hooker and asks if I made a lot of cash in Vegas I feel all warm and fuzzy and giggly and loved. She gets me.

It Hurts When You Fall!

I took my kids roller skating today. They forced me. I was like, “No! I will NOT spend money on frivolous frivolities that are frivolous!”

They informed me that not only would I take them skating with a smile but that I would in fact wear the hideous roller skates provided by the facility and make a complete and utter fool of myself in public, which I tend to do anyway without hideous brown shoes with wheels attached so I agreed.

“We don’t care if you fall down,” they said. “But you’ll look ridiculous.”

As I am always ‘likening’ random stuff to other random stuff in my mind, I would like to liken Roller Skating At Skate Country to Life In General.

I arrived at Skate Country full of apprehension. I have not roller skated since I was 16 years old, so approximately 150 years. I have not skated for 150 years! And today I strapped on the ol’ feed bag. I was full of nerves.

In life we strap on the ol’ feed bag daily when we sit down to eat. Liken. Liken. Liken.

Skate Country reminded me of an indoor ghetto. I was concerned at first because I inadvertently left my “9” at home. Next time I will know to bring it.

The world we live in is sorta like a contained ghetto. The idea is good. There are fun and beautiful things to enjoy but we know we are just passing through. The place we came from was far better and the place we are going is far more promising. Unless of course you are going to hell, in which case, I will meet you there… Earth is full of terror and disease and body odor.

As I prepared to skate I was full of terror and I smelled a great deal of body odor.

I wobbled when I stood up. On Earth we wobble when we are drunk, but I don’t drink so the analogy does not apply.

I pretended to join my children in the “Beginner’s Only” section in odre to "help" them.

 A little boy of about eight years of age watched me wobbling on my sober, Mormon Mama legs. He opened his eyes wide and shouted, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!” I looked him the eye. He shouted again, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!”

My blood ran chill.

IN LIFE IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL.

I observed the people skating around me.

People were falling down left and right. Not just tripping up a little. They were like BLAM! SLAM! I mean folks were FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!

I must admit I laughed.

I laughed hard. I didn’t just giggled or chuckle. Nope.

I laughed so hard I thought I might injure myself internally. And every time I saw someone else TOTALLY EAT IT I laughed anew. I positively HOWLED every time gravity and lack of balance got the better of someone.

I laughed at small children I laughed at my OWN small children. They cried. Still I laughed. I couldn’t help it!

In life I always find the funny in every situation. Why? BECAUSE IT’S ALL A JOKE! It really is! Ultimately, when this life is over we will see how TRIVIAL most of our stresses actually are. The bottom line is we are all falling constantly. We have to get back up. Bruised. Battered. Steadier on our feet. Brace ourselves. Prepare to fall again.

I continued to observe the people skating. Some people were weaving in and out and making a great show of their very impressive roller skating skills. They ZOOMED past and held their proud heads high as if to say, “I AM SPEEDY GONZALES AND YOU ARE HIS SLOW FAT COUSIN FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT REMEMBER BUT IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE POKEY PEDRO!”

Other skaters were very cautious and clung to the wall along with 3 decades worth of boogers left by other very cautious skaters with snots in their noses.  My Bella was one of the Wall Clingers.

In life, I sometimes find boogers smeared on the walls of my own home.

Then there was the D.J. I watched my five year old request her favorite Lady Gaga. The self-important, greasy teenager tossed his greasy self-important hair off of his forehead and said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

He was high atop his pedestal usurping whatever little power he had over helpless skaters.

In life, if he ever uses that bored tone with my five year old again I will personally yank him off his greasy pedestal and stick his head in a toilet and proceed to flush vigorously over and over again as I repeat, “I’ll see what I can do…”.

So you see, roller skating is exactly like life.

I even wore my red FAITH HAT. I bought this hat when I thought spending over $100 on a blinged-out baseball hat was reasonable. I rationalized the purchase by reminding myself of the importance of FAITH and by also reminding myself that Madonna was featured wearing the SAME EXACT HAT in Star Magazine. (It’s true. Me and Madonna wear the same head gear. I’m pretty amazing. And so is Madonna because she is the most attractive 95 year old I have ever seen!)

By the end of my roller skating experience I was  ZOOMER.  I'm pretty athletic so it didn't take long for me to leave my kids in the dust.  I left them to fall and flounder and get run over by over-zealous teenagers. It's GOOD for them!  It will put hair on their chests!  Isn't that what EVERY mother wants for her son and three daughters?

SUPER STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!