Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Legion: We Are Many Or The Spookiest Bible Story Ever

"On the way home from work I was reminded of a true story I'd like to tell you.  I was listening to the book Jesus The Christ in the car."

I am at dinner with my little family.

They look at me expectantly.

" Mmmmk.  So once upon a time there was a crazy guy.  He was nuts. He screamed and cut himself with rocks and made terrifying faces at the townspeople.  

(I make horrible faces and pretend to cut my flesh with sharp rocks and then I scream a little which makes them all jump and giggle nervously.)

All the people in the town were really freaked out.  This crazy guy lived in the mountains like a wild animal.  He didn't even take baths or brush his teeth.

Jesus heard about this man and wanted to show the people the power of God so He went up the mountain.  

Turns out the man wasn't just your run of the mill lunatic.  He was FULL OF DEMONS!

(I make my face ugly and do scary hands and bug out my eyes and my voice becomes raspy like a 98 year old smoker.)

He said his name was LEGION... but it wasn't the man talking.  It was ACTUALLY the demons inside him using his body...    

Did you know there are spirits IN THIS ROOM THAT WE CAN'T EVEN SEE?  Evil ones and good ones... They are everywhere.  Sitting right next to you, probably.

So Jesus told the devils to get out of the man's body.  They didn't want to. They begged to stay in that nice cozy body.  They wanted bodies of their own.  But they don't get any.  And that's why devils hate us and want to hurt us all the time...

When they were forced out of the body of the man they jumped into the bodies of a nearby herd of pigs.  Called swine.  Swine and pigs are the same thing.

The pigs went bonkers.  They were so upset that the evil spirits were trying to share their body that they ran themselves off a cliff.  They all died.

(I squeal like a pig and snort a bit.  My children are stock still, mouths agape, eyes round as saucers.)  

The swine herders went to tell the townspeople what had occurred.  

The people rushed to find Jesus and the crazy man.

But guess what?

The crazy man was found clean and fully clothed.  He sat calmly and reverently at the feet of Jesus... 

I want you to understand from this story that when we are not careful there is potential for evil to harm us.  Sometimes we even harm ourselves.  When we let Satan and his teachings into our hearts we  can get confused.  We start to think bad is good and good is bad.

I've done it lots.  I have let bad ideas get into my head and heart.  It always, ALWAYS hurts me.

You guys need to know that The Destroyer has great power but the power of our Heavenly Father is far greater...".

I end my sermon by shoving a big piece of tortilla and beans into my mouth.

My son jumps up from his dinner and begins screaming and attempting to rent his clothes in twain.

"What are you doing, buddy?" I ask.

He continues running and renting.

Suddenly he is on all fours.  He squeals and snorts and kicks.

Then silence.

"I am Legion," he says.  "Because we are many."

I am a mother in Zion. I am teaching my kids the scriptures.  I eat beans and tortillas for dinner.  And I am a Mormon.