Legion: We Are Many Or The Spookiest Bible Story Ever

"On the way home from work I was reminded of a true story I'd like to tell you.  I was listening to the book Jesus The Christ in the car."


I am at dinner with my little family.


They look at me expectantly.


" Mmmmk.  So once upon a time there was a crazy guy.  He was nuts. He screamed and cut himself with rocks and made terrifying faces at the townspeople.  

(I make horrible faces and pretend to cut my flesh with sharp rocks and then I scream a little which makes them all jump and giggle nervously.)


All the people in the town were really freaked out.  This crazy guy lived in the mountains like a wild animal.  He didn't even take baths or brush his teeth.


Jesus heard about this man and wanted to show the people the power of God so He went up the mountain.  


Turns out the man wasn't just your run of the mill lunatic.  He was FULL OF DEMONS!


(I make my face ugly and do scary hands and bug out my eyes and my voice becomes raspy like a 98 year old smoker.)


He said his name was LEGION... but it wasn't the man talking.  It was ACTUALLY the demons inside him using his body...    


Did you know there are spirits IN THIS ROOM THAT WE CAN'T EVEN SEE?  Evil ones and good ones... They are everywhere.  Sitting right next to you, probably.





So Jesus told the devils to get out of the man's body.  They didn't want to. They begged to stay in that nice cozy body.  They wanted bodies of their own.  But they don't get any.  And that's why devils hate us and want to hurt us all the time...


When they were forced out of the body of the man they jumped into the bodies of a nearby herd of pigs.  Called swine.  Swine and pigs are the same thing.


The pigs went bonkers.  They were so upset that the evil spirits were trying to share their body that they ran themselves off a cliff.  They all died.

(I squeal like a pig and snort a bit.  My children are stock still, mouths agape, eyes round as saucers.)  


The swine herders went to tell the townspeople what had occurred.  


The people rushed to find Jesus and the crazy man.


But guess what?


The crazy man was found clean and fully clothed.  He sat calmly and reverently at the feet of Jesus... 


I want you to understand from this story that when we are not careful there is potential for evil to harm us.  Sometimes we even harm ourselves.  When we let Satan and his teachings into our hearts we  can get confused.  We start to think bad is good and good is bad.


I've done it lots.  I have let bad ideas get into my head and heart.  It always, ALWAYS hurts me.


You guys need to know that The Destroyer has great power but the power of our Heavenly Father is far greater...".


I end my sermon by shoving a big piece of tortilla and beans into my mouth.

My son jumps up from his dinner and begins screaming and attempting to rent his clothes in twain.

"What are you doing, buddy?" I ask.

He continues running and renting.

Suddenly he is on all fours.  He squeals and snorts and kicks.

Then silence.

"I am Legion," he says.  "Because we are many."







I am a mother in Zion. I am teaching my kids the scriptures.  I eat beans and tortillas for dinner.  And I am a Mormon.
   

Jonah

The Great Depression of 2010 found me curled in a ball on my bed.  Tear stained.  Empty.  Drugged. Dark.  Pained.

For months I lived as if in a daze.  Sleeping on my feet.  Talking.  Eating.  Driving.  Numb.  I remember very little.

A series of events led to my downfall.  I thought I might never recover.  Demons swirled about my head.  Devils whispered in my ear.  I believed them.

Sleep. They said.  Life is pain.  Sleep.

And so I did.

My children suffered. 

I would not awake.

One day in church I heard someone reading a familiar scripture story. 

Jonah was sleeping at the bottom of a ship.

A terrible storm raged about him.  His shipmates were terrified for their lives.  Yet he slept.

At long last the ship master went to Jonah.

"What meanest Thou, oh Sleeper?  Arise and call upon your God."

These words penetrated my soul and filled me with Light.  I had been starving for Light.  I devoured it whole.

I was Jonah in the belly of a whale.  Peering through the slime and bile.  Recieving limited Light through the blow hole of the beast.

Hopeless.  Heavy. 

I decided I would try to awake.  I would forget the pain of the past.  I would pray for assistance in my righteous endeavor and emerge triumphant.

I clawed my way out of the great fish with his massive teeth and jaws.

The light that met me was beautiful.  Brilliant.  Illuminating. Healing.

What meanest Thou, Oh Sleeper?  Arise and call upon your God.





PS I wrote a silly "J" entitled "Just spit it Out".  Ugh. Not my best work.  Read it at your own risk.  But then couldn't sleep until I cranked out "Jonah".  Happy J Day.  :)

Treasure

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 
   ~Matthew 6:21

My Mother taught me this scripture in her thick Mexican accent before I could form the words myself.

"My treasure is my God and my Family.  In that order," she said often.

Her "family" includes every soul in which she comes in contact.

Though I am tall and she is small I know I will never measure up to my tiny Mother.  She is a giant.  Mighty in her Gratitude.  Strong in her Faith.  Matchless in her Service.

My Mother came from dirt floors that were dampened and swept daily.  My Mother came from scant portions of beans, coffee and stale tortillas.  My Mother came from bare feet, thin sweaters in frigid winter and no education.

"God blessed me because my faith and Obedience," she often says. "There is a law irrevocably decreed in Heaven... upon which all blessings are predicated- ...when we obtain any blessing from God it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated".

This is the language she spoke to me by the time I was three years old.  Sometimes she said "decreed-ed" instead of "decreed" because English was new to her.  I understood with my tiny heart that what she taught came directly from her much bigger heart.

By the Grace of her God she came to the United States and joined the Army.  She traveled the world.  Married my father.  Graduated from the U of A, which was top ten in the country for Nursing.  Started a construction company by laying block with her father, brothers and her own tiny hands.  I witnessed it myself.  The company is now a multi-million dollar operation.

"The Lord knows He can bless with me money because I will help others," she reminds me regularly.


Lay not up for yourselves treasures on Earth... but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven... ~Matthew 6:19-20

For I was an hungered and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked and ye clothed me: I was sick and ye visited me: I was in prison and ye came to me.

.....Lord, WHEN saw we thee hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?.......

Insomuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my bretheren, ye have done it unto me.
~Matthew 25:35-40


I had holes in my clothes as a child and teen.  I never had a McDonald's Happy Meal.  I did not taste a candy bar until I was 11 years old.  We never ordered pizza.  We never bought new toys.

"I don't have money for those things,"  said my Mother.

She instead had money to fill our little VW bug with loaves of bread, twinkies, toilet paper, boxes of cereal and used clothes to distribute to our destitute family in Mexico.  She had money to bail loved ones out of jail.  She had money to pay for funerals.  She had money to pay rent for her siblings in financial difficulty.

I have watched my Mother write checks for thousands of dollars and simply give to those in need.  No payment expected.  I have witnessed her give away entire vehicles.

I have traveled far and wide with her to attended countless funerals in which she prepared vast quantities of food for those who suffered loss.

Mourn with those that mourn.  Comfort those that stand in need of comfort.

There is no way to adequately express the Love and Respect I feel for my Mother.  There are a  million stories I could share that would only scratch the surface in revealing her beautiful Character.

I leave you with one.

Coral and I were ages 8 and 10, respectively.  We had little girlfriends who were sisters, also 8 and 10 years of age.  Anna and Angalee.

One day our little friends told us they were being sexually abused by their 20 year old step-brother with the knowledge of their step-mother.  They explained to us in childish detail what was being done to them nightly.  We were told not to tell.

Coral told our Mother immediatly.

My Mother jumped in the car that instant.  Drove to their house.  Collected those children.  Fought the courts. Fought the world.  Those little girls, who had only been casual friends of ours before, lived with us for two years.  They called my mother Mom.

My Mother's Prada shoes are tiny.  My feet are huge in comparison.  I will never fill her shoes. 


My prayer nightly is that God might use me, as he has used my Mother, as an instrument in His hands for good.  I pray that I might use my body and mind as a tool to succor the weak and afflicted, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  I pray that He might trust me as He has trusted her.  I pray that I might be worthy of that trust.

Happy 60th Birthday, Mom.  I love you.

PS I hate it when I yawn really big and you stick your finger in my mouth.

Samson and The Hooker

Do you know the story of Samson in the Bible?


Samson was a Nazarite, which means God blessed him and watched over him and gave him strength.

Samson married the wrong chick. His parents were like, Don’t marry that chick. She is not one of us! So he married her.

Then she totally lied to him and her dad was like, I’m gonna give you to another man.

When Samson came looking for his woman she was with some other dude. So he burned their cornfields down.

Then he found himself a hooker.

Then he fell in love with another wrong woman. Delilah. She lied to him too. She tricked him and he let her. He knew she was naughty (in a bad way) and he stayed with her and told her the secret to his strength. The nasty wench betrayed him.

The secret to his strength was his hair. When his hair was cut off he was “as weak as any other man”.

Then he got his eyes stabbed out of his head by the bad guys.

He asked God to give him strength one last time. He used that strength to knock down an entire temple with his bare hands, killing 3,000 bad guys and himself.

The end.

Even if you don’t believe there is truth in the Bible, you must admit it’s a good story with a good moral.

The moral is: Don’t marry two lying females and hook up with a prostitute or else you will have your eyes poked out by several uncircumcised Philistines.

What do you think of Samson?

In Sunday school today some people judged Samson as being weak. Weak Minded. Spiritually Weak.

I disagree. In my mind Samson was HUMAN. By the end of his life he understood his mistakes. He humbled himself before God and offered himself as a sacrifice.

Samson made mistakes in life. He was hurt by those mistakes. He progressed.

On June 1, 2010 an Anonymous Comment was left on a previous post.    THE MORMONS. 

Anonymous said...


good post.
i never read your blog before.
i'm a once good mormon gone bad, dating a hooker. tolerance and patience is hard. and being judged.
I figure this is the most random place to say all of that, but since its is anonymous i can finally get that off my chest.


This comment has been on my mind A LOT. It reminds me of myself.

While I have never dated a hooker I HAVE made mistakes. Lots.

We ALL have, haven’t we?

I can’t judge Mr. Anonymous OR the hooker he dates. God loves them as much as He loves me. They have as much potential for good as I. Given that knowledge, how CAN I judge them?

My mistakes started when I was a 5 year old cleptomaniac. They never really stopped. I make mistakes daily.

And maybe you think you’re better than I am because in your mind the mistakes you make are less serious. Less obvious. Throughout my life TONS of people have tried, to no avail, to put me in my place. People try to settle me down with harsh words and hurtful gossip.

The problem is this: I LOVE WHO I AM! I’m not perfect, but I LOVE who I am.

Like my anonymous commenter, I have a hard time when I am judged.

Isn’t that God’s job?

Christians are taught to LOVE ONE ANOTHER and LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR AS OURSELVES.

Even if you don’t subscribe to religion, if you close your eyes and internalize this concept you can FEEL the truth of it. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.  You can feel it if you're Mormon, Southern Baptist, Catholic or none of the above.  It's just TRUTH.

Not judgment. Not unkind thoughts or words. Not jealousy and hatred. LOVE.

We live in a world that is innately SELFISH.

What if we loved EACH OTHER as much as we love ourselves?

Can you imagine?

Here is the thing. Like Samson we all have incredible strength within us. We were all blessed with untold potential and opportunity for growth. Our spirits are beautiful and eternal.

But the human heart is fallible. Sometimes we can’t help who or what we love. We betray ourselves. It hurts.

Perhaps (like me) you can’t help that you love Oreo cookies. Perhaps you can’t help that you love cocaine and alcohol. Perhaps you can't help that you love porn.  Perhaps you can’t help that you love to gossip and lash out with unkind words.

Perhaps you can’t help it NOW.  However, (like Samson) we are all capable of change. Betterment.

I am forever praying for strength to be better.

Go and do thou likewise.

PS  This dress was a recent splurge from Anthropologie.  I feel very classic and girly.  :)

Balaam and his Ass

At church today we dicsussed my very FAVORITE BIBLE story!

Do you know the story about Balaam and his ass?  It's pretty cool and teaches a VERY good lesson.  I'm not being sarcastic here.  I really like the story. 

Balaam disobeys God and uses a donkey as his mode of transport to do so.  God decides to stop B by placing an angel with a sword in his path.  The problem is that Balaam is so blinded by his wickedeness and desire for the love of MAN and things of this world that he cannot SEE the angel.

Guess who CAN see the angel?  THAT'S RIGHT!  The DONKEY!  Balaam keeps tryin' to get the donkey to go forward and the donkey resists 3 times. So three times Balaam beats his donkey with a stick.

SO THEN the donkey turns to him and SAYS... that's right...SAAAAYYYYYYS... (I'm paraphrasing here...)  Dude! Why you gotta beat me with a stick three times?!  Haven't I always been a good donkey to you? NOT COOL, MAN!

So the idea here is that the donkey was more spiritually sensitive than the prophet.  The prophet, who was once a very obedient man and a great servant of the Lord, had been blinded by his own disobedience.

I'm sure we are ALL guilty of being blinded by our own selfish desires.  I know I'm guilty.

Ok. So now you know the story.  IT'S HILARIOUS, right?  RIGHT?   NO?  Yeah.

As we read this story today in church I couldn't help but have a minor giggle fit.  And by minor I mean I was sincerely trying not to SNORT and slap my thigh in hysterics.

I find GREAT pleasure in hearing people read this story in church because EVERYBODY is is TERRIFIED to say ASS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  The word is in EVERY VERSE!  SEVERAL TIMES!

People read the word "ass" under their breaths as if they are sinning in full view of God HIMSELF!  I LOVE IT!  I seriously want to raise my hand and say, "I'm sorry but would you mind reading a little LOUDER?  I just can't hear you at ALL from way back here...".

People read 'ASS'  in church and they wiggle and squirm and become red-faced.  And I just ADORE watching this display.  VASTLY ENTERTAINING!

In addition, NOBODY laughs when the donkey talks!  WHY DOES NOBODY LAUGH????  IT'S FUNNY!

Today we got to the part where the donkey SAYS something and I laughed out loud.  ALL ALONE!  I looked around to try to catch somebody's eye like, You're with me, right?  Nothing.  Everybody just nods solemnly as the donkey chews Balaam's rear!  They just SIT THERE!  Nobody even cracks a SMILE!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are funny.  I'm crying.  Tears of the Joys Of Observation.

Alright I'm done here.  I'm just TALKIN' OUT OF MY ASS now... AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Get it???  Talking out of my... because in the story....  and the donkey.....ASS?  Awwww...  FORGET IT.

I. CAN'T. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!