Sunday, May 2, 2010

Balaam and his Ass

At church today we dicsussed my very FAVORITE BIBLE story!

Do you know the story about Balaam and his ass?  It's pretty cool and teaches a VERY good lesson.  I'm not being sarcastic here.  I really like the story. 

Balaam disobeys God and uses a donkey as his mode of transport to do so.  God decides to stop B by placing an angel with a sword in his path.  The problem is that Balaam is so blinded by his wickedeness and desire for the love of MAN and things of this world that he cannot SEE the angel.

Guess who CAN see the angel?  THAT'S RIGHT!  The DONKEY!  Balaam keeps tryin' to get the donkey to go forward and the donkey resists 3 times. So three times Balaam beats his donkey with a stick.

SO THEN the donkey turns to him and SAYS... that's right...SAAAAYYYYYYS... (I'm paraphrasing here...)  Dude! Why you gotta beat me with a stick three times?!  Haven't I always been a good donkey to you? NOT COOL, MAN!

So the idea here is that the donkey was more spiritually sensitive than the prophet.  The prophet, who was once a very obedient man and a great servant of the Lord, had been blinded by his own disobedience.

I'm sure we are ALL guilty of being blinded by our own selfish desires.  I know I'm guilty.

Ok. So now you know the story.  IT'S HILARIOUS, right?  RIGHT?   NO?  Yeah.

As we read this story today in church I couldn't help but have a minor giggle fit.  And by minor I mean I was sincerely trying not to SNORT and slap my thigh in hysterics.

I find GREAT pleasure in hearing people read this story in church because EVERYBODY is is TERRIFIED to say ASS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  The word is in EVERY VERSE!  SEVERAL TIMES!

People read the word "ass" under their breaths as if they are sinning in full view of God HIMSELF!  I LOVE IT!  I seriously want to raise my hand and say, "I'm sorry but would you mind reading a little LOUDER?  I just can't hear you at ALL from way back here...".

People read 'ASS'  in church and they wiggle and squirm and become red-faced.  And I just ADORE watching this display.  VASTLY ENTERTAINING!

In addition, NOBODY laughs when the donkey talks!  WHY DOES NOBODY LAUGH????  IT'S FUNNY!

Today we got to the part where the donkey SAYS something and I laughed out loud.  ALL ALONE!  I looked around to try to catch somebody's eye like, You're with me, right?  Nothing.  Everybody just nods solemnly as the donkey chews Balaam's rear!  They just SIT THERE!  Nobody even cracks a SMILE!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are funny.  I'm crying.  Tears of the Joys Of Observation.

Alright I'm done here.  I'm just TALKIN' OUT OF MY ASS now... AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Get it???  Talking out of my... because in the story....  and the donkey.....ASS?  Awwww...  FORGET IT.

I. CAN'T. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!