Andale Burro!

Angelica wore this dress on a Mexican donkey.

Vintage.  1970's. $17 at Buffalo Exchange in Tucson.

I know all about burros.  As a child I dug my bare heels into their ribs and held on for dear life. 

"Andele Burro!" I would command after a a few clicks of my tongue.

Sometimes the burro in question ignored my kicks and moved not at all.  Other times the jackass would take off like a bat out of hell.  Bumpy ride, to say the least.  Sore under carriage doesn't begin to describe...

Often I fell off a running donkey into mud or fresh cow pies.  Fresh cows pies are organic.  Earthy.  I'm a fan. 

I know a thing or two about humiliation, being intimately acquainted with donkey rejection and cow dung and all.  But I always got back up. 

Angelica liked that about me when she climbed into my body the other day.

It's weird how girl spirits get so attached to their former clothes.  I'm sure I'll do the same when my time comes.  I have a Valentino bag that carries my very soul in her lining.  I'll haunt whoever ends up with her for sure.

Angelica was a free and wild spirit.

She fell madly in Love with Mario who never paid her any mind.   Mario was in Love with Elena.  Elena thought Micheal was gay.

Angelica was always doing crazy things to get Mario's attention.

"Mira, Mario!" she would say as she sucked milk directly from the teat of a goat. 

"Mira, Mario!" she shouted as she swung from a tire swing into a shallow stream with an axe in her hand.

"Mira, Mario!" she laughed as she took that axe and decapitated a chicken for dinner that night and then chased Mario with the bloody carcass.  

Watch, Mario!

I can't imagine why Mario didn't Love Angelica in return.  She sounds delightful.

There was a donkey on the farm that witnessed her antics daily and grew tired of the charade.  He didn't mean to kill her.  Really.

One day Angelica thought she'd impress Mario with her jackass riding skills.  She had no idea Burro had it out for her.  But donkeys are quite unpredictable.

"Hop on my back, Angelica"  said Burro. 

Burro was a distant relative to the talking donkey from the Bible. 

Angelica climbed on Burro's back and dug in her heels.  "Andale, Burro!"

"Mira, Mario!" she called as Donkey took off.

You could have sworn someone shoved a jalapeno in Donkey's donkey because he brayed and bucked and ran and kicked until angelica was airborn.

She fell on her head.  Broke it.

Don't worry.  She's fine now. 

The End

PS    I often use the term "andale burro" when I'm tired or discouraged and want to quit whatever the task at hand my be.  It's the internal vocab that keeps me going like a jalapeno in the donkey.  You should try it. 

High Drama

"Why are you wearing THAT?!" I was asked by a four year old dancer.

"A) Because I'm trying to break the stringent rules society has put on us as a race. The HUMAN race.  I'm breaking those chains today, my friend....

B) It's FUN.  And FUN people are SEXY people.

C) Because I CAN.

D)  My friend, D, double-dog dared me,"  I said.

"Oh," she replied.

She looked terrified.
.
I laughed maniacally.

I look like I have actual HOOVES in this pic.


I'm sitting in the balcony of the Pima West Theatre watching dress rehearsal.

Some of these dancers have the Stage Presence of a dead fish.  Stinks. There is nothing so awful as watching a straight faced performer with dead eyes. BOOOOO!

 I don't care WHAT you're doin' on stage it is ALL ABOUT STAGE PRESENCE. It's not the most talented people that get noticed.  It's those that draw the eye with inner beauty and energy.

I'm vastly entertained as I watch power struggles between professional dancers and their choreographer.

Tension runs high.  There is yelling and swearing and anger and drinking.

Yes.  DRINKING!  Anger and frustration inspires dancers to drink and show up the next day hung over and ready for a fight.  They tell me these things because I look insane and they know their secret is safe with me.  I truly enjoy these lil chats.

You would never guess as you attend a professional ballet that the beautiful, poised dancers, both male and female, spent the week tearing each other's heads off and drinking multiple "40's" on their couches.

DRAMA!

Guess where else drama is found at dress rehearsal?

STAGE MOMS!

I don't really associate with the Stage Moms.

It's not that I think I'm too good... It's that KNOW I'm too good...  Just kidding. 

No. I'm not.

I'm too good to involve myself in petty drama over who did or did not help sew tu-tu trim and who said what to her wanna be prima bellerina daughter and who is TOTALLY ON THE RAG.

Why you gotta have a sour puss, Stage Mom?

I kinda wish the Stage Moms WOULD drink, ya know?  Loosen 'em up a bit.  I'd love it if they got silly and joined me in booty shakin with a Donkey Bottom Head.  Instead, many of them give me crusty, stuffy looks as I walk by in my metallic pants and pink mesh gloves.  I just smile.  SHOW ME YOUR TEETH!

Don't hate me, baby.  ENJOY ME!

I'm not snotty to the Stage Moms.  I smile and say random things like, "Sewing tu-tus kinda sucks, huh?" or "Do you like my donkey?  I sewed his mane on myself!"  or  "If you keep making that raunchy face it'll stay that way...". Then I walk away.  I don't wanna get involved.

I've got PLENTY of drama as a Mama.  I got no need to invite more.

I'm REALLY REALLY picky about who I chose to befriend.  I just don't think most people make the cut. 
I prefer to chat with the artists both young and Pro.  I prefer to wear Donkey Bottom heads, sew tu-tus in the balcony surrounded by little boys in Mini-Micheal Jackson attire (which is a bit ironic given Micheal's alleged history) and dress in 80's inspired outfits just 'cause.

Here's my advice for the day:

A)  On the stage of life don't be a dead fish!  ENTERTAIN ME!

B)  Drama is only fun when it's not your own. 

C)  Fun people are sexy people.

D)  HEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mid Summer Bottom

It's dance recital time again!  I LOVE IT!  I am STAGE MOM EXRAORDINAIRE!

My girls are doin' several hip hop numbers and A Midsummer Night's Dream Ballet.

I love that play because I once played Helena in a Shakespeare production.  I am sure it will shock you that I was a complete and total DRAMA FREAK. LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!

I have an obsession with donkeys because I learned about The Birds and The Bees by observing actual donkeys in ACTION.  Also, in the Bible there is an account of a TALKING donkey so it was a spiritual endeavor as well.

When I saw this donkey head on one of the male dancers  I KNEW I HAD to have a photograph with it on my person.

The dancer that wears it is a dance major at the U of A.  I have NO IDEA how one does ballet with an enormous donkey head.  It's really HOT in here and I totally can't see A THING!  I hope he doesn't fall off the stage.  That would be simultaneously tragic and hilarious.

The donkey's name is BOTTOM!  Shakespeare was CLEARLY a genius given this info alone.

Do you like my silver stilleto?  Yes? ....Thank you.

All the little girls are running around in funky 80's costumes.  I'm jealous.  Tomorrow I will also sport an 80's outfit because I don't want to feel left out.

Watch out for my uber 80's look tomorrow!  It will give you something to look forward to because I know this blog I write is VERY important to you.

PS  I realize I look like a TOTAL ASS!  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA  HHHEEEEEEEE HAAAAWWWWWWWWW!  (Donkeys don't actually say 'hee haw'.  It's a lie.)

Balaam and his Ass

At church today we dicsussed my very FAVORITE BIBLE story!

Do you know the story about Balaam and his ass?  It's pretty cool and teaches a VERY good lesson.  I'm not being sarcastic here.  I really like the story. 

Balaam disobeys God and uses a donkey as his mode of transport to do so.  God decides to stop B by placing an angel with a sword in his path.  The problem is that Balaam is so blinded by his wickedeness and desire for the love of MAN and things of this world that he cannot SEE the angel.

Guess who CAN see the angel?  THAT'S RIGHT!  The DONKEY!  Balaam keeps tryin' to get the donkey to go forward and the donkey resists 3 times. So three times Balaam beats his donkey with a stick.

SO THEN the donkey turns to him and SAYS... that's right...SAAAAYYYYYYS... (I'm paraphrasing here...)  Dude! Why you gotta beat me with a stick three times?!  Haven't I always been a good donkey to you? NOT COOL, MAN!

So the idea here is that the donkey was more spiritually sensitive than the prophet.  The prophet, who was once a very obedient man and a great servant of the Lord, had been blinded by his own disobedience.

I'm sure we are ALL guilty of being blinded by our own selfish desires.  I know I'm guilty.

Ok. So now you know the story.  IT'S HILARIOUS, right?  RIGHT?   NO?  Yeah.

As we read this story today in church I couldn't help but have a minor giggle fit.  And by minor I mean I was sincerely trying not to SNORT and slap my thigh in hysterics.

I find GREAT pleasure in hearing people read this story in church because EVERYBODY is is TERRIFIED to say ASS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  The word is in EVERY VERSE!  SEVERAL TIMES!

People read the word "ass" under their breaths as if they are sinning in full view of God HIMSELF!  I LOVE IT!  I seriously want to raise my hand and say, "I'm sorry but would you mind reading a little LOUDER?  I just can't hear you at ALL from way back here...".

People read 'ASS'  in church and they wiggle and squirm and become red-faced.  And I just ADORE watching this display.  VASTLY ENTERTAINING!

In addition, NOBODY laughs when the donkey talks!  WHY DOES NOBODY LAUGH????  IT'S FUNNY!

Today we got to the part where the donkey SAYS something and I laughed out loud.  ALL ALONE!  I looked around to try to catch somebody's eye like, You're with me, right?  Nothing.  Everybody just nods solemnly as the donkey chews Balaam's rear!  They just SIT THERE!  Nobody even cracks a SMILE!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are funny.  I'm crying.  Tears of the Joys Of Observation.

Alright I'm done here.  I'm just TALKIN' OUT OF MY ASS now... AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Get it???  Talking out of my... because in the story....  and the donkey.....ASS?  Awwww...  FORGET IT.

I. CAN'T. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!