Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Birds and the Bees

Do you remember when you learned about The Birds and the Bees?  Tell me about it...  Seriously. I wanna know.  Did a friend tell you?  Did your parents sit you down?  How old were you?  It was a life-altering bit of info, wasn't it?

The first time I had a clue about the facts of life I was in Turicachi, Mexico.  I was 9.  Minding my own business.  DONKEYS.  Boy donkey.  Girl donkey.  Boy donkey charged girl donkey with his freakishly enormous donkey.  Girl donkey expressed herself with a high pitched sound I'll never forget.  YEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stood there.  Mouth agape.  Eyes wide as saucers.  What in the world were those burros DOING?!

There were several cowboys around watching me watch the animals.  They laughed loud and hard.  I grinned sheepishly and blushed. 

Everything changed that day.  It clicked, ya know?  I looked at my parents differently.  I looked at my teachers differently.  I saw every adult in a different light.  GUILTY. GUILTY. SHAMEFULLY GUILTY.

Tonight I was reminded there is no easy way to introduce the concept for the first time.

I have a nine year old.  I should have known.

I took my older girls out for a girl day.  Pedicures, manicures, dinner at the mall, and (I was grossly unprepared for this) girl talk.

Serena said, "Ohhh Mama, you look sexy."

Bella looked thoughtful.  "What does that word mean? ... Sexy..."

"Well," I said, "it means a girl is attractive to a boy.  It means she's pretty."  I thought I had dodged a bullet.

"Huh.  I've heard the word 'sex' before,  what does that mean?"

So I took a deep breath and spelled it out in excruciating detail.  Have YOU ever had to explain how boys and girls fit like a key in a keyhole?!  If you have kids and have not had that talk, PREPARE YOURSELF. It is the most bizarre experience EVER!

Think about it.  How would YOU explain this all-important physical union?  Really?  Think about every minor detail you would have to express in order for a child to understand.  Now imagine yourself actually SAYING those words.  (I'm an expert. I've done it twice now.  If you have any questions I'd be delighted to answer them for you...)

In response Bella said, "DISGUSTING!"

Serena said, "I'm adopting."

Then Bella asked, "WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO DO THAT?"

I was honest.  "Because it feels good."

They laughed as if I had told the most hilarious joke they had ever encountered.

"That is SOOOO weird!" they said as they gasped for air.  They really thought it was funny.

If you think about it, it IS pretty weird.  The act itself is stranger than fiction.  Then there is the POWER that sex holds over people.  Sex makes the world go 'round.  Single men run around doing and saying WHATEVER it takes to get some action.  Married men take out the trash, change diapers and watch chick flicks in the hopes of a lil nooky.  Stupid, selfish women use it as a munipulation device.  As an adult it simply cannot be escaped (not that I'd want that... I'm just sayin'...).

I taught Relief Society Meeting every Sunday for almost 4 years.  (For those of you who don't know, R.S. is the gathering of the women of the L.D.S. church.  We get together every Sunday and sacrifice chickens.....HAHAHAHAHA!  Do I really have to spell out that we don't sacrifice chickens?  Hope not.  Goats are far more impressive...)  The very first lesson I was asked to teach was... GUESS WHAT?... The Sex Lesson.  I'm not kidding!  I had to stand up there and tell the women how to talk to their children and how to remain clean and faithful to their husbands.  I had to say the word SEX in front of 150 women with scriptures on their laps!  SHEESH!

Now that I'm an expert in divulging the sacred secrets of the Universe, I feel I'm qualified to offer YOU some advice.  If you have children your time is coming. Listen up.  CHILL OUT!  NO WEIRD VIBES!  BE HONEST!  HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!

PS  If YOU don't tell them someone else will!  (Or maybe you'll get lucky and they'll witness donkeys in action and be irreversebly scarred for life...)   Mmmmk? Mmmmk.