Mi Chango

"He's a wild man!" said Doc Brainard 8 years ago today.  They were the first words my son ever heard in this world.

Tyson screamed and flailed his arms and legs in furious protest at his birth.  Slippery lil sucker.  Apparently he preferred the womb, which I imagine is warm and cozy and you can swim around in there.

T-bone is a wild man still. With a gentle heart.

The ladies LOVE him. The boys all want to be his pal.  Adults respect him.  I adore him. 

I took him a birthday Happy Meal for lunch today.  Distributed twinkies and juice boxes to all the munchkins in his class.  Sat and let them bombard me with 2nd grade humor.  Fun.

Hey Tyson's Mom!  You're the BEST! 

Can we have TWO twinkies? 

My dog is gay.

My dad farts really loud in his sleep. 

You're really pretty and extremely intelligent.

Ok.  So I made up that last one, but the farting was not my invention.  For reals.

It's a Happy Meal.

I talked to his long-haired dude teacher for a lil while.  (I volunteer every other Friday in his class to ensure Mr. Long Hair is extra cool with my kid.  I do that with all the teachers.)

Mr. Long Hair is a super chill, cool guy with a sense of humor.  He gets that T is a rambunctious lil man with a short attention span.  Teachers like him are invaluable.  Wish they got paid better. 

"Tyson is a comedian.  His humor exceeds his age group.  I know I shouldn't laugh in class when he blurts things out, but I can't help it.  He's hilarious," said Teach.

"I'm the class clown!" said T-Bone.

"No.  You're the class comedian.  There's a difference," said Dude.

Then they proceeded to quote Napolean Dynamite back and forth.

"Gimme some of your tots..."

And something about Nunchuck Skills and Lygers and Tina...

In a recent convo Mr. Teacher Man told me he used to be Mormon until he turned 18.

"Huh.  Well.  All the cool kids are Mormon," said I. 

"All the best kids in the school are Mormon," said he.

Interesting, no? 

Anywho...

T-Bone got a new outfit to wear to school on his special day.  Check it, baby.  Wut up, G??

"I feel like the cool kid in the outfit!" he said.  "I love my purple shoes and chango shirt."

"Only the very COOLEST dudes in the world can get away with wearing purple shoes and a chango shirt," said I. 

We enjoyed ice cream cake as a fam after school.

Then we took Ty to pick his own gift at Target. 

"Where do you want to go for dinner?  You can pick anywhere," I said.

"Golden Corral."

"Of all the places in town you choose GOLDEN CORRAL? Why?"

"Because it's a really fancy place and their mac and cheese is AWESOME!"

When we had our fill of Mac n Cheese we played DUDES IN FOODS.

I invented that game.

The wrestling dudes he picked for his birthday had to tromp through muddy swamp lands (chocolate cake) and swim in icey oceans (my water glass) in order to kick the crap outta the bad guys.

I clearly need a manicure.


My boy is my heart.  He caresses my face when he knows I'm tired or sad.  He hugs me tight and tells me he loves me every single day.  He kisses my cheeks and mouth and then sighs with contentment.  He fills me to over-flowing with generous little boy Love. 

I can't believe God trusts me with this spectaular human.  I'm so blessed to be Mama to my tiny man.

I am so in Love with my son I can hardly stand it!   Be still my heart.

100 Day Celebration

"Congratulations!" I said vigorously shaking the hand of a five year old boy.  "You've made it!  100 days days of school!  That's quite an accomplishment!"

I volunteered at kinder today.  Maya's class had a party to Celebrate 100 days of school for the year.  (The school gets funding based on how many kids attend school on the 100th day so that's why...)

I was in charge of helping the young 'uns make these hats. 

Riddle me this:  Why have I used this skull as my model? Be creative.


I was SO excited about the 100th day of school I SANG ALOUD     at the kinder celebration.

I sang Justin Beiber songs.  "BABY, BABY, BABY OHHHH BABY BABY BABY..."

One child approached me and asked me to stop singing as it was giving him a headache.  He was very polite.

Another child informed me he steals Justin Beiber's money.  I was intrigued.

"Tell me more," I prompted.

"Well, I go to the bank and take all the money that is his because I hate his music," said the boy.

"Why aren't you in jail?" I asked.

"Because the police hate Justin Beiber's music too," said the boy.

No lie. (About the boy, not the police hating The Beib's music.)

Cake was served at 9am.  Lemon. Mmmm.  Yellow-ey.

The children discussed cake as they ate.

"Cake is JUNK!" said a boy with a mouthful.

"NO! IT'S NOT!  IT'S FOOD!  THAT YOU EAT!  JUNK GOES IN THE TRASH!" said another.

"Cake is sugar," said a little girl.

"NOOOO! Sugar goes on the top.  Like sprinkles." said Maya.

"Yeah.  Only the top is sugar.  The rest is bread.  And bread is good for you," I said.


 I love cake.

This morning before school I stood in the parking lot handing out Xanax and Valium to all the moms.

"CONGRATULATIONS!" I said.  "100 DAYS OF SCHOOL!  HERE  YOU GO!  YOU'VE EARNED IT!"

Once word got out, I was swarmed by mobs of women in pajama pants, Ugg boots and eye crusties. 

"I want one!  Hey!  SHE GOT TWO!  I WANT ANOTHER ONE!" said the women.

"Ladies!  Ladies!  I have enough Crazy Pills to go around.  No need to shove.  Now go home and watch Oprah from your DVR," I said.

I love my job.

Annie Smith

My brother has Loved the same woman since they were 14 years old.  Annie.

"I've never been in Love with anyone but Annie," he says often. 

They have two babies and two cats together.  The proof is in the pudding, people.  The proof is in the pudding.  I hate that cliche. What could it mean?  It's a moo point.  You know?  

I'm in Love with Annie too.  Not in a Single White Female sort of way.  More in a If I Could Comb The Entire Earth Searching For the Perfect Woman For My Baby Brother It Would Always Be Annie sort of way.

Annie is Beautiful Blued Eyed Yoga Barbie.  A human pretzle.  She is a Yoga instuctor in her soul.  Whenever I'm in her presence I automatically exhale.  Ahhh... peace be still.

"You're so normal," I say in awe.

She laughs.  "Is that a good thing?"

"YES! I neeeed that!"

She soothes me without a word.

Annie Smith is the perfect name for Annie Smith.  Strong.  Solid.  Sane.  Normal. Annie Smith is normal.

Have you notice how few people are normal in the world anymore?  Everybody is on Zoloft except Annie!  (And me.  I don't take zoloft.  I put rum in my diet coke at 8 am instead.)

Annie is raising my brother's babies to be peaceful little souls.  Baby Audrey of the Gorgeous Chunky Arms makes not a peep in my T-bone's arms. 

Today we celebrated Devon's second birthday. 

We lit his little candle and when it blew out he reverently said,

"More fire."

We lit it again. And laughed and applauded with wild abandon when he extinguished the flame yet again.

And since Devon was finally 2 and now a man, Annie introduced him to one of my favorite musical artists who may or may not be dead... The Magnificent 2pac Shakur, Ladies and Gentlemen!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a close-up of Devon's T-shirt.

I sat next to Annie and ate a slice of cake filled with Bavarian Cream.  Annie and I love Bavarian Cream Cake.  And she kept asking, "What's the filling in this cake again?"  To which I would intelligently respond, "Bavarian Cream."

"Annie," I said shoveling a mouthful of cake into my mouth and then talking, "You and I have known each other for a long time now.  I think I'm ready to take this relationship to next level.  ...May I feature you on my blog?"

"Yes.  I would love to enjoy the celebrity of gracing the pages of your illustrious blog."

She's really smart and knows big words too.