Little MissSober: I don't drink anymore, I don't drink any less either.

There, on the sidewalk in front of a South Tucson grocery store, lay a drunken man.

I sneaked by him cautiously.  I had no interest in waking my inebriated friend.  He seemed so peaceful lying there like a lizard basking in the searing Arizona sun.

As I tiptoed past he opened one eye and shouted at me.

"DAME DINERO!!! Paraferk fdhjkb glaaa...".

Translation:  "GIVE ME MONEY!  Paraferk fdsjgb glaaaa..."

Then, just as suddenly, he closed his eye and played possum. 

Scared the crap outta me.

I once found it embarrassing to inform others I don't drink.  (My t-shirt says Little Miss Sober...$11 @ thrift store, which is pricey for second hand, but whatever.  It made me smile.)

It makes people uncomfortable,  my refusal to drink alcohol. 

Throughout my life, when I have been offered a drink and decline, I become immediately aware of tension.  People don't like it.

Perhaps I seem high and mighty. 

As though I am silently preaching and mocking from my meditative soapbox,   "I am Buddha on the mountain top.  Alcohol clouds the mind.  Your mind comprises of clouds and confusion.  Further more, I am better than you, as I can run very fast on my sober legs.  In addition, I am a prude and don't know how to have a good time."

I feel judged as my friends and family view me through beer goggles.  Perhaps they feel uncomfortable with my Super Sober X-ray Vision.  I can see their naked thoughts and their naked...ness.

I never enjoy watching others become inebriated while I stand by, sober as a judge.  The tipsy are so full of fun and laughter and inappropriate jokings.  They peer at me in relaxed manner through suspicious, bleary eyes.  I watch them with jealousy. 

Being drunk is FUN!  There is singing and dancing and spanking and peeing outside in the bushes.

"You're a CRAAZZZZZYYY mORMON!"  I've been told.

I have cousins in South Carolina who have actually introduced me as such.

"This is Crystal.  She's my crazy Mormon cousin.  She doesn't drink."

They then watch me carefully to see if I stick to my guns or if I will fall to temptation. 

I'm not gonna lie, drinking (until recently) has been a great temptation to me.  I've wanted to be a cool kid soooo bad!  I've wanted to RELAX, for Pete's sake.

And so it is that Crazy Mormon defines me in the eyes of others.

I have always hidden behind my religion.  When asked why I do not drink I have often said, "I'm a Mormon."

There is a nodding of heads.  And then, the dreaded tension.  Will someone PLEASE explain to me why?  Why the tension?  When we purport to live in a society of tolerance, why would my lack of alcohol consumption inspire the squirmy wormies in my friends?

I have of late found peace on the subject of alcohol consumption within myself.

I have prayed and risen to new heights of understanding. 

My body is a temple.  This phrase has oft, to me, felt rote and overdone.  Until recently.

I have a gift in my body.  It is my Spirit.  A magnificent eternal intelligence.  This body is the instrument of that great spirit.

The more I meditate, the more I come to understand my body and residing spirit cannot fully function unless purity rests within.

Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, foods high in fat and sugar, caffeinated soda are all substances that cloud the mind.  Sully the vessel.

I am striving daily to rise to higher heights of spirituality.  I want to know the mysteries of God.  I want access to the spiritual knowledge only rested on the heads of those who sacrifice the things of this world for glories and understanding beyond measure.

I still have a serious Diet Coke issue, which is pretty bad.  Diet Coke is poison to the body and soul.  It is mind altering and quite refreshing with popcorn at a Captain America movie.

I clearly can't claim to be better than a margarita sipper while I slowly pickle my liver via D.C Draft.

I alter the peace of my spirit with caffeine.  My spirit gets all hyper and and refuses to settle down when I consume too much caffeine.  it jumps on the bed and hangs from the rafters until I am forced put her in time-out.

What's that, Milk?  Have you something to say to the kind people?  You feel that bars and movie theatres should outlaw alcoholic beverages and soda pop?  You'd like for Milk to be the only beverage served?  You feel I should remind the people that milk is chock full of vitamins and minerals.  And lots of calcium? 

Milk, need I remind you that denying free will was Satan's plan.  Remember that guy?  Lucifer? Son of the Morning? 

It was HIS plan to force everyone to drink milk and lemon water all the days of their lives!  Force us to respect our temples against our wills!

Milk, you're no Beelzebub. 

(and scene)

Milk.  It does a body good... but it's totally your choice.  We aren't here to judge.

If you want to lay on the sidewalk in front of the grocery store after a nightcap during the daytime, that is YOUR business.

PS I do take comfort in the fact Buddhists don't drink either.  And Buddhists are all the rage right now.  Super cool. So... guess I'm a cool kid after all.

And also, if you insist upon sullying your vessel, don't drink and drive.  I lost someone I love that way...

Eminem and Lindsay Lohan Should Convert to Mormonism

The other night I was watching MTV at 4am. 

My eyes were glazed over and what should appear?  But a white Eminem and 8 tiny reindeer...

(I made up the part about reindeer because it rhymed.)

I sat up on the couch. Dropped the remote with a clatter.  I then rubbed my eyes to see what was the matter...

Something's DIFFERENT, I thought as I looked at his eyez!  Then I heard what he sang... He was SOBER, you guyz!

I've always dug slim shady white Eminnem.  Even though he hates gays and anything FEM.

The dude's got mad skillz.  I'm happy he'z not poppin' pillz.  :D

I bought his new album and jam to it tonz.  I groove to the beat and waggle my bunz.

Let's talk about Lindsay.  She's not doin well.  That girl was sentenced to 3 months in Jell...

Parent Trap and Mean Girls led her down a rough road...

Mkkkkk.... I'm bored.

I was gonna rhyme "road" with "comode" or "toad"  (as in, she kissed a toad... but I didn't want to offend Sam...).  Then I got sick of producing quality poetry.

Eminem and Lindsay should convert to Mormonism.

Can you just see it?

Mormons are admonished to treat our bodies like a temple so we don't consume alcohol, coffee, tea, illegal drugs or too much red meat and we are not supposed to pop pills we don't need or that don't belong to us.

Addiction to drugs super SUCKS!

I have several very close friends that either DO suffer from an addiction to hard drugs or are slowly clawing their way back from the tunnel of hell on Earth they created for themselves.

I'll be honest here.  Sometimes I get irritated that in my religion we can't even indulge in a glass of wine at dinner.  Or get hammered on special occasions.  Or get sloppy drunk on the front porch in full view of the nieghbors.  What's THAT about!?  Pft.

But when I take a close look at myself I see I am kinda nuts and have a highly addictive personality.  I'm wild and like to behave like a LUNATIC.  I LOVE entertaining people.  Can you imagine how much MORE entertaining I would be if I took some serious UPPERS? 

I'd spin like a top.  Then people would be like, "OMG!  You are soooo much fun!"  So then I'd like the attention and do more drugs and drink more alcohol in order to keep everyone entertained.

Lemme get a bit serious here.  Two years ago my amazing, handsome, hilarious, crazy cousin Roger Davis was killed in an alcohol related accident.

Roger always made me laugh so hard I would literally double over and and gasp for breath.  He was crazy tall and used to kick his legs high up in the air like a cheer leader.  He was crazy ALIVE.  He always told me he loved me.

His mother paid me an amazing compliment once.  She said I had taken Roger's spot in our family of over a hundred people as The Crazy One.  I could NEVER fill those enormous shoes of his. But I was super touched my Aunt Jean thinks I'm as Nuts as Rog... :)  Warms my heart.  Seriously.

Given the heartache of losing Rog, I take Lindsay Lohans's DUI related sentence pretty seriously.  It seems that her 90 days of jail time may actually be reduced to 25%.  I don't like it.

Lindsay is a STUNNING and talented girl.  Teens and adults alike watch her every move.  What kind of message does it send to the public if she gets a slap on the wrist for a crime that could potentially kill someone else or herself?

Back to Eminem.  If you read the lyrics of his new album you'll be struck by the Pain and Horror he endured in kicking his habit.  He endured Demons with their choke holds doing dances around him.  But now the lightness he feels as a result of his success is remarkable.

I don't know where I would be if I didn't have a cheat sheet in my religion.  Perhaps I'd be a puppet to the minions of substance abuse.  Perhaps I'd be the facade of a clown for the world and a slave to a relentless, unseen master.  Perhaps I'd be facing jail time.

PS  I realize that first pic of me is REALLY rough.  Ugh.  That's only because I was in the car all day and was totally still drugged from last night's Ambien... WHAT?!  I NEEEED my Ambien.   Don't worry.  I can quit anytime I want...

Verbal Tampon

Tampons have many important uses, such as chew toys for toddlers, nose bleed stoppers, post-intimate encounter absorbers, toe separators and the obvious… naval lint removers.

Most of all, however, TAMPONS STOP THE LEAK.

I have a box of tampons on my lap. These particular tampons boast superior protection with The LeakGuard Skirt.

These are SERIOUS tampons. Make no mistake! These babies are the veritable Muscle Men of feminine products. The LeakGuard Skirt will STOP THE LEAK.

If someone could replicate a GIANT tampon with The LeakGuard Skirt I am confident we could put an end to the horrific oil spill causing our planet so much grief. We could just STOP THE LEAK!

The tampon box on my lap also informs it’s reader:

“Anti-Slip Grip prevents your fingers from slipping and helps get your tampon in the right place.”

Women should be grateful for the Anti-slip grip that gets the device in the “right place”. How much would it suck if, due to slippery fingers, it ended up in the WRONG place, such as the pupil of your eye or lodged directly down your throat!? These are alarming alternatives to the “RIGHT PLACE” .

WHAT IF… there were such a thing as a VERBAL TAMPON!

WHAT IF you could absorb all the rotten words that come out of your mouth with a VERBAL, NON-SLIP TAMPON WITH A LEAKGUARD SKIRT?!

WHAT IF there were a way to stop people from hearing the negative things that tend to get you trouble?

If EVERYONE inserted a VERBAL TAMPON into their mouths when they felt inspired to spew forth ugly verbage I believe the world would be a much better place.

People who LOVE TO GOSSIP could stick a VERBAL TAMPON in their pie holes whenever they felt the urge to report that, “Sandy’s thighs are looking EXTRA flabby lately” or that “Ricky is a married man but his wife, Lucy, is quite sure he is GAY” or “Crystal Pistol should try acting her age for a change!”.

No one would get hurt! The VERBAL TAMPON would absorb whatever mess you were going to make of your life!

The VERBAL TAMPON would STOP THE VERBAL LEAK!

For instance, let’s say your wife tells you to, “Get up off the couch and take out the trash like I asked you 3 hours ago!” You can simply insert your handy-dandy VERBAL TAMPON and rather than your wife hearing, “Shut your yap, you irritating nag!” she will hear nothing! Your TAMPON WILL ABSORB THE NEGATIVE VERBAGE and YOU will still get some Decent Lovin' that night. Everybody wins!

Do you SEE the GENIUS here?

Are you always putting your foot in your mouth? Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could just put a VERBAL TAMPON in your mouth instead?

Here is another important and random thought for ya:

If you fill your bathtub with water and throw several tampons in they will look like little white tadpoles.

PS I can’t IMAGINE what kind of crap I would come up with if I took drugs or drank alcohol. Good thing I’m a Mormon.  This is me SOBER!

That's all I have to say about that.  PERIOD!