Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Verbal Tampon

Tampons have many important uses, such as chew toys for toddlers, nose bleed stoppers, post-intimate encounter absorbers, toe separators and the obvious… naval lint removers.

Most of all, however, TAMPONS STOP THE LEAK.

I have a box of tampons on my lap. These particular tampons boast superior protection with The LeakGuard Skirt.

These are SERIOUS tampons. Make no mistake! These babies are the veritable Muscle Men of feminine products. The LeakGuard Skirt will STOP THE LEAK.

If someone could replicate a GIANT tampon with The LeakGuard Skirt I am confident we could put an end to the horrific oil spill causing our planet so much grief. We could just STOP THE LEAK!

The tampon box on my lap also informs it’s reader:

“Anti-Slip Grip prevents your fingers from slipping and helps get your tampon in the right place.”

Women should be grateful for the Anti-slip grip that gets the device in the “right place”. How much would it suck if, due to slippery fingers, it ended up in the WRONG place, such as the pupil of your eye or lodged directly down your throat!? These are alarming alternatives to the “RIGHT PLACE” .

WHAT IF… there were such a thing as a VERBAL TAMPON!

WHAT IF you could absorb all the rotten words that come out of your mouth with a VERBAL, NON-SLIP TAMPON WITH A LEAKGUARD SKIRT?!

WHAT IF there were a way to stop people from hearing the negative things that tend to get you trouble?

If EVERYONE inserted a VERBAL TAMPON into their mouths when they felt inspired to spew forth ugly verbage I believe the world would be a much better place.

People who LOVE TO GOSSIP could stick a VERBAL TAMPON in their pie holes whenever they felt the urge to report that, “Sandy’s thighs are looking EXTRA flabby lately” or that “Ricky is a married man but his wife, Lucy, is quite sure he is GAY” or “Crystal Pistol should try acting her age for a change!”.

No one would get hurt! The VERBAL TAMPON would absorb whatever mess you were going to make of your life!


For instance, let’s say your wife tells you to, “Get up off the couch and take out the trash like I asked you 3 hours ago!” You can simply insert your handy-dandy VERBAL TAMPON and rather than your wife hearing, “Shut your yap, you irritating nag!” she will hear nothing! Your TAMPON WILL ABSORB THE NEGATIVE VERBAGE and YOU will still get some Decent Lovin' that night. Everybody wins!

Do you SEE the GENIUS here?

Are you always putting your foot in your mouth? Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could just put a VERBAL TAMPON in your mouth instead?

Here is another important and random thought for ya:

If you fill your bathtub with water and throw several tampons in they will look like little white tadpoles.

PS I can’t IMAGINE what kind of crap I would come up with if I took drugs or drank alcohol. Good thing I’m a Mormon.  This is me SOBER!

That's all I have to say about that.  PERIOD!