Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fat is CHEAP and EASY. R U ? (No Chick Wants A Soft Dude)

“Honey, does my butt look fat in these jeans?” asks EVERY chick with a butt and jeans and a man.

The SMART man will to not hesitate in his response. He won’t even GLANCE!

“NO!” will be his reply. “Of course not! I LOVE your juicy booty, baby!”

The STUPID man will actually LOOK at the rear in question and make an educated decision before he responds.

Then he will get NO LOVIN’ that night and SHE will start a frantic diet and exercise program that, on average, lasts 3 days before she gets dangerously depressed and downs an entire bag on Lay’s Potato chips with French onion sour cream dip and an entire pint of half Ben and Jerry's New York Super Chunk Fudge Blah Blah Blah. 


It’s not your man’s fault that YOUR BUTT IS FAT! HE didn’t devour an entire pan of Brownies in a sitting because he was PMS-ing! YOU DID!


Let’s be smart about this, shall we?

Throw out ALL the junk food in your house. DO IT NOW!

K. I can SEE that bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos you hid behind the whole wheat flour. (I love those.) But that’s called LYING!

Let’s get our diets under control. EVERY CALORIE COUNTS!

If you can make some changes in your diet you will see a VAST improvement. I promise!


You are what you eat.

Are YOU cheap and easy?

If you are than keep going through the Heart Attack Inducing Burger King Drive Through and stocking your freezer with frozen pizza and corndogs.

If not, let’s stay away from individual meals that have more calories than you need in a week.

Here are 3 foods I am personally obsessed with and the reasons why:

AVACADO: This uber yummy fruit is high in monounsaturated fats and a sugar called, mannoheptulose, which promote fat loss.

I love wrapping half an avacado in a whole wheat tortilla for a snack. Delish!

SALMON: Omega-3 fatty acids help you burn fat. ‘Nough said.

SPINACH: The soluble fiber found in spinach actually clings to bad cholesterol (LDL) in your body and drags it out. Detoxifying.

I put fresh spinach in absolutely EVERYTHING. Sandwiches, rice, egg white scrambles and salads.

Also, don’t forget to stay hydrated! I literally drink 2 gallons of water a day during the summer.

Alright, ladies. GET TO IT!

GENTLEMEN, I have words for you too.

I knew this one dude that was like, “I don’t like to lift weights. They’re heavy.”

He was obviously joking but if one took a good gander one would realize he was super duper NOT joking too. He was pretty soft and squishy in appearance. Not FAT, mind you. Just soft. And squishy. In appearance.

What dude wants to be SOFT? And what CHICK wants a soft DUDE? I’ll tell ya. NO CHICK WANTS A SOFT DUDE!

Quit bein’ LAZY! Lift some weights, YO! And LAY OFF THE BURGERS!

No fair judging the back sides of every woman you see when you look like Buddha-Belly On The Mountain Top.

FYI: My husband bench pressed 500 LBS this week. I’m serious. He is physically the strongest man I have ever actually known.