Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Little MissSober: I don't drink anymore, I don't drink any less either.

There, on the sidewalk in front of a South Tucson grocery store, lay a drunken man.

I sneaked by him cautiously.  I had no interest in waking my inebriated friend.  He seemed so peaceful lying there like a lizard basking in the searing Arizona sun.

As I tiptoed past he opened one eye and shouted at me.

"DAME DINERO!!! Paraferk fdhjkb glaaa...".

Translation:  "GIVE ME MONEY!  Paraferk fdsjgb glaaaa..."

Then, just as suddenly, he closed his eye and played possum. 

Scared the crap outta me.

I once found it embarrassing to inform others I don't drink.  (My t-shirt says Little Miss Sober...$11 @ thrift store, which is pricey for second hand, but whatever.  It made me smile.)

It makes people uncomfortable,  my refusal to drink alcohol. 

Throughout my life, when I have been offered a drink and decline, I become immediately aware of tension.  People don't like it.

Perhaps I seem high and mighty. 

As though I am silently preaching and mocking from my meditative soapbox,   "I am Buddha on the mountain top.  Alcohol clouds the mind.  Your mind comprises of clouds and confusion.  Further more, I am better than you, as I can run very fast on my sober legs.  In addition, I am a prude and don't know how to have a good time."

I feel judged as my friends and family view me through beer goggles.  Perhaps they feel uncomfortable with my Super Sober X-ray Vision.  I can see their naked thoughts and their naked...ness.

I never enjoy watching others become inebriated while I stand by, sober as a judge.  The tipsy are so full of fun and laughter and inappropriate jokings.  They peer at me in relaxed manner through suspicious, bleary eyes.  I watch them with jealousy. 

Being drunk is FUN!  There is singing and dancing and spanking and peeing outside in the bushes.

"You're a CRAAZZZZZYYY mORMON!"  I've been told.

I have cousins in South Carolina who have actually introduced me as such.

"This is Crystal.  She's my crazy Mormon cousin.  She doesn't drink."

They then watch me carefully to see if I stick to my guns or if I will fall to temptation. 

I'm not gonna lie, drinking (until recently) has been a great temptation to me.  I've wanted to be a cool kid soooo bad!  I've wanted to RELAX, for Pete's sake.

And so it is that Crazy Mormon defines me in the eyes of others.

I have always hidden behind my religion.  When asked why I do not drink I have often said, "I'm a Mormon."

There is a nodding of heads.  And then, the dreaded tension.  Will someone PLEASE explain to me why?  Why the tension?  When we purport to live in a society of tolerance, why would my lack of alcohol consumption inspire the squirmy wormies in my friends?

I have of late found peace on the subject of alcohol consumption within myself.

I have prayed and risen to new heights of understanding. 

My body is a temple.  This phrase has oft, to me, felt rote and overdone.  Until recently.

I have a gift in my body.  It is my Spirit.  A magnificent eternal intelligence.  This body is the instrument of that great spirit.

The more I meditate, the more I come to understand my body and residing spirit cannot fully function unless purity rests within.

Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, foods high in fat and sugar, caffeinated soda are all substances that cloud the mind.  Sully the vessel.

I am striving daily to rise to higher heights of spirituality.  I want to know the mysteries of God.  I want access to the spiritual knowledge only rested on the heads of those who sacrifice the things of this world for glories and understanding beyond measure.

I still have a serious Diet Coke issue, which is pretty bad.  Diet Coke is poison to the body and soul.  It is mind altering and quite refreshing with popcorn at a Captain America movie.

I clearly can't claim to be better than a margarita sipper while I slowly pickle my liver via D.C Draft.

I alter the peace of my spirit with caffeine.  My spirit gets all hyper and and refuses to settle down when I consume too much caffeine.  it jumps on the bed and hangs from the rafters until I am forced put her in time-out.

What's that, Milk?  Have you something to say to the kind people?  You feel that bars and movie theatres should outlaw alcoholic beverages and soda pop?  You'd like for Milk to be the only beverage served?  You feel I should remind the people that milk is chock full of vitamins and minerals.  And lots of calcium? 

Milk, need I remind you that denying free will was Satan's plan.  Remember that guy?  Lucifer? Son of the Morning? 

It was HIS plan to force everyone to drink milk and lemon water all the days of their lives!  Force us to respect our temples against our wills!

Milk, you're no Beelzebub. 
(and scene)

Milk.  It does a body good... but it's totally your choice.  We aren't here to judge.

If you want to lay on the sidewalk in front of the grocery store after a nightcap during the daytime, that is YOUR business.

PS I do take comfort in the fact Buddhists don't drink either.  And Buddhists are all the rage right now.  Super cool. So... guess I'm a cool kid after all.

And also, if you insist upon sullying your vessel, don't drink and drive.  I lost someone I love that way...