Saturday, July 10, 2010

Eminem and Lindsay Lohan Should Convert to Mormonism

The other night I was watching MTV at 4am. 

My eyes were glazed over and what should appear?  But a white Eminem and 8 tiny reindeer...

(I made up the part about reindeer because it rhymed.)

I sat up on the couch. Dropped the remote with a clatter.  I then rubbed my eyes to see what was the matter...

Something's DIFFERENT, I thought as I looked at his eyez!  Then I heard what he sang... He was SOBER, you guyz!

I've always dug slim shady white Eminnem.  Even though he hates gays and anything FEM.

The dude's got mad skillz.  I'm happy he'z not poppin' pillz.  :D

I bought his new album and jam to it tonz.  I groove to the beat and waggle my bunz.

Let's talk about Lindsay.  She's not doin well.  That girl was sentenced to 3 months in Jell...

Parent Trap and Mean Girls led her down a rough road...

Mkkkkk.... I'm bored.

I was gonna rhyme "road" with "comode" or "toad"  (as in, she kissed a toad... but I didn't want to offend Sam...).  Then I got sick of producing quality poetry.

Eminem and Lindsay should convert to Mormonism.

Can you just see it?

Mormons are admonished to treat our bodies like a temple so we don't consume alcohol, coffee, tea, illegal drugs or too much red meat and we are not supposed to pop pills we don't need or that don't belong to us.

Addiction to drugs super SUCKS!

I have several very close friends that either DO suffer from an addiction to hard drugs or are slowly clawing their way back from the tunnel of hell on Earth they created for themselves.

I'll be honest here.  Sometimes I get irritated that in my religion we can't even indulge in a glass of wine at dinner.  Or get hammered on special occasions.  Or get sloppy drunk on the front porch in full view of the nieghbors.  What's THAT about!?  Pft.

But when I take a close look at myself I see I am kinda nuts and have a highly addictive personality.  I'm wild and like to behave like a LUNATIC.  I LOVE entertaining people.  Can you imagine how much MORE entertaining I would be if I took some serious UPPERS? 

I'd spin like a top.  Then people would be like, "OMG!  You are soooo much fun!"  So then I'd like the attention and do more drugs and drink more alcohol in order to keep everyone entertained.

Lemme get a bit serious here.  Two years ago my amazing, handsome, hilarious, crazy cousin Roger Davis was killed in an alcohol related accident.

Roger always made me laugh so hard I would literally double over and and gasp for breath.  He was crazy tall and used to kick his legs high up in the air like a cheer leader.  He was crazy ALIVE.  He always told me he loved me.

His mother paid me an amazing compliment once.  She said I had taken Roger's spot in our family of over a hundred people as The Crazy One.  I could NEVER fill those enormous shoes of his. But I was super touched my Aunt Jean thinks I'm as Nuts as Rog... :)  Warms my heart.  Seriously.

Given the heartache of losing Rog, I take Lindsay Lohans's DUI related sentence pretty seriously.  It seems that her 90 days of jail time may actually be reduced to 25%.  I don't like it.

Lindsay is a STUNNING and talented girl.  Teens and adults alike watch her every move.  What kind of message does it send to the public if she gets a slap on the wrist for a crime that could potentially kill someone else or herself?

Back to Eminem.  If you read the lyrics of his new album you'll be struck by the Pain and Horror he endured in kicking his habit.  He endured Demons with their choke holds doing dances around him.  But now the lightness he feels as a result of his success is remarkable.

I don't know where I would be if I didn't have a cheat sheet in my religion.  Perhaps I'd be a puppet to the minions of substance abuse.  Perhaps I'd be the facade of a clown for the world and a slave to a relentless, unseen master.  Perhaps I'd be facing jail time.

PS  I realize that first pic of me is REALLY rough.  Ugh.  That's only because I was in the car all day and was totally still drugged from last night's Ambien... WHAT?!  I NEEEED my Ambien.   Don't worry.  I can quit anytime I want...