My Aunt Martha left me a comment on Facebook praising THIS POST. She said, “Sometimes I don’t know about you… But this is the Crystal I know and love. ”. I love you too, Aunt Mot! I consider you a friend.
Sometimes I don’t know about me either. Especially lately. Clearly for months I’ve been floundering in the dark. I’ve been upside down and backwards. I’ve been Alice in Wonderland. Falling down a dark hole in search of a white rabbit in a fancy coat.
Recently I have been told to quit being so open in my writing. Those that have offered this advice love me and are worried about my reputation and well-being. I understand.
At the same time I have had a enormous influx of private messages praising my honesty and begging me not to stop. Apperantly there are those that are drawn to me BECAUSE of my rantings.
I've pondered what I should do.
These last several months mark the most terrible of my life. My writings reflect it. I’ve thought about deleting posts. I’ve thought about deleting the entire blog. BUT I CAN'T!. You and I have been through too much together! :) You know me! You know the happy, silly hilarious me and the depressed, hopeless me. You know my thought and fears. You know my desire to DO better and BE better.
I have been given the gift of words. I can move people to tears with my words. I can inspire laughter. I can remind people they too are human and doing their best make sense of this life. But I can only touch YOU if I am honest. Honesty is key in the land of this craft.
I have carried a pen in my left hand since I was 8 years old. Writing is my calling. I know it. I HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS
I was blessed by a Patriarch with a pleasing personality and the power to influence many, many people throughout my life. I have already seen this as truth. If YOU come with me on this journey of life I will share myself with you openly. I allow myself to be vulnerable for your sake and mine. As I progress and become the woman God intends for me to be my words will reflect it. When I falter YOU will know. I have tried to write fiction. Fiction is not my strength.
I have been warned of gossipers. I can only IMAGINE the things that have been said about me regarding the things I write. It smarts a bit, I admit. But it doesn’t smart enough to stop me from what I want.
Of gossip I've heard the phrase, She gossips and backbites because it makes her feel BETTER about herself.
YUCK! Really? REALLY? Does gossip REALLY make ANYONE feel BETTER? If I ever catch myself gossiping I feel wretched!
A friend recently thanked me for being so candid. “I need it,” she said. YOU’RE WELCOME!
WHY ARE WE SO AFRIAD OF EACH OTHER?
WHY DO WE GOSSIP?
WHY DO WE NOT ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER AND HELP EACH OTHER TO SUCCEED?!
WHY ARE WE AS HUMAN BEINGS SO READY BURN ONE ANOTHER AT THE STAKE?
Another friend wrote privately, “I wish I were brave enough to write a blog. But I would worry what people thought of me.”
I ponder human nature and this is a quality I do not understand.
Another friend once said, “I’m sure you know my husband is in prison.” She was very defensive. “I’m sure you have heard a lot of bad things about me, but whatever.”
No. Not whatever! WE ARE SISTERS! I do not judge you. I do not judge him. I told her so. She was shocked. HOW SAD!! How sad to live in a world where a lack of harsh judgment is SHOCKING! It hurts my heart.
This life is about LOVE, TOLERANCE, FORGIVENESS, HUMILITY, SELFLESSNESS AND (IF WE ARE TO BE HAPPY) HONESTY .
Today I went to a craft fair. I bought a bracelet from a local artist. We laughed and talked and joked.
I said, “I’m gonna put you in my blog! Would you take a pic with me?”
We were loud and crazy and boisterous and she kept sayin’, “GIRL, YOU NEED TO BE A MODEL!! YOU GOTTA GET ON THAT!” She put a silver ring on my finger for the picture.
I said goodbye to my new friend and left with the ring on my finger. Oops!
I was with my girls.
I said, “I have to turn around and give this ring back! I didn’t pay for it!”
Serena said, “I think she meant for you to have it, Mom. Let’s just go home. She won’t miss it.”
“No. I’ve gotta give this back, honey. That woman needs to sell this to make a living.”
I turned the car around.
“Here,” I said to the woman. “I didn’t pay for this. I’m pretty sure you want it back!” I smiled.
Her eyes became round saucers of amazement. “YOU IS SO HONEST!”
I laughed. “GIRL! I AIN’T GONNA SELL MY SOUL FOR A RING!”
She laughed and shook her head in complete disbelief.
A small white woman wearing tan Capri pants overheard our convo.
“Well maybe if it were a million dollars in a plastic bag you would have taken it!” the white woman laughed.
“OH HONEY!” I said. “I’M WORTH WAAAAYYYYYY MORE THAN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!”
My artist friend whooped loudly. “MMMMMMMHHHHMMMMM… DATS RIGHT! DATS RIGHT! YOU WORTH SO MUCH MORE! YOU IS SOOOOO HONEST!!!!”
I will not stifle my words as I write. I will not be censored! Instead, I will focus on accepting constructive criticism with a tougher skin. I will focus on changing not my words but the source of those words. I will pray to change who I am INSIDE so my words reflect it. I CANNOT master this craft with telling it like it is! My work will continue to be SOOOOOOOO HONEST.
CUZ I AIN’T GONNA SELL MY SOUL. I’m just sayin’….
P.S. My new friend is an amazing artist. Here is her info:
Dazenthia Grayson ART BY DEE represented by Rosalyn Johnson email: RozHotMessJ@yahoo.com
ArtofArizona.com/DGrayson.htm
