Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Adios, Cleaning Ladies!


Ok.  Tantrum complete. I'm done. Venting calmly now.

I can't afford cleaning ladies anymore.  I feel like a basic human right is being denied me.  I scrubbed FOUR toilets today!  Me!  Ugh!  Remember  my glove fetish?  I've added a new pair to my collection.

Before I go any further let's discuss my Scrubbing Day outfit.  I chose white for two reasons:  a) bleach spots don't show up. 2) when I'm all done cleaning I'll have smudges all over my clothes and everyone will see how hard I worked.  III) I look really good in white. (I wanted to say angelic but who are we kidding?!...)  I also wore my fake red glasses all day to convince myself this was serious business. 

As you can see from my reflection, my booty says PINK.  So at least I'm sporting VIX as I slave.  (I forced my bro-in-law to take pics of me.  I was like, "I need to look natural...".)

I didn't use to be such a princess. Really.

I grew up with no money.  I use to say, "I could care less about money."  And I made sure to date the most destitute guys I could find in order to prove my point.  Daddy HATED that about me.  He HATED every guy I ever brought home.  Then I'd say, "But Daddy, who needs money when one has LOVE? Love is all you need!" (I still believe that, by the way.) 

Then I found my husband and trust me, I'm no gold digger. He was flunking out of a community college and working as an asphalt labor.  Yeah.  You know the guys that make the roads?  That was him.

After we got married I did what all good women should do and I pushed him to be a better man.  I insisted he get a college education.  I didn't care we were starving students!  Love is all you need.  (Love and an education, of course.)  He kicked and screamed his way to a diploma and cursed my name every time he opened a text book.  Thanks to me he is the FIRST member of his family to get a Bachelor's degree.  (Pardon me while I pat myself on the back.)

 I was financially poor growing up and still had no dough for a lot of years after I got married.  We hit a pot of gold a couple years ago, which was awesome!  I had a good run.  I've got a closet full of boots, bags and designer jeans to show for it. But now the economy sucks and I HAVE TO CLEAN MY OWN HOUSE! (I'm actually happy to have the house with four toilets because I'm told pretty soon I'll lose the house along with the cleaning ladies... It's kinda like throwing the baby out with the bath water... Whatever.  It's just a house.)

Back to my cleaning story.

So I'm scrubbing toilet number three when Maya comes in and says, "What are you DOING?!"

"I'm cleaning the bathroom, baby."

"WHY?  WHERE'S NORMA and those other ladies?".  Her eyes were huge with disbelief.

"I don't have money to pay Norma, honey, " I say.

"Well, just GO TO THE BANK!" says she.

Ah.  The innocence of youth.  Would that it were so simple.

When the older kids got home they too could not believe what they were seeing.

"You got RID of the cleaning ladies?!... Like... FOREVER?"  says Bella.

So I say, "Yup.  I AM the cleaning ladies." My children just stand in front of me with their mouths agape.

I am the cleaning ladies.

Today I cleaned for 12 hours without stopping.  I even forgot to eat. (I'm very goal oriented.) I cleaned bathrooms, dusted furniture, swept, mopped, changed linens, laundry, bathed children, climbed up on a ladder to dust ceiling fans and made fresh tomato soup for dinner.  Phew.  I'm just gonna go ahead and say it:

I AM A GOOD WOMAN! That man of mine is damn lucky.

Now my kids are down and my house is spotless.  (See those fab drapes?  I sewed those with own two hands.  I know, right?!  I'm pretty amazing...)   I deserve an Oreo Reeses PB Cup Dinner.  And a bubble bath... my tub is super duper clean.  Guess how I know?  'CAUSE I'M THE CLEANING LADIES!