Big Balls

"I'm so sorry.  I don't want to be that person.  I know I say things I shouldn't. I get upset. I'm passionate.  I'm just sorry."

I had been told by a friend that "Jenny" (not her real name)  had been saying hurtful things about me behind my back.  I was wounded, of course.

Animosity and bad blood always breed discomort and pain for all parties involved.

Jenny came to my home and sat in my living room in full view of both of our husbands and apologized profusely and sincerely.

Of course I was very gracious and responded with,

"Wow, Jenny!  I'm so impressed you would do this!  You have really big balls."

She seemed a bit uncomfortable with the "big balls" compliment.   She is, of course, a conservative Mormon mom.  I doubt anyone has ever valued her for the size of her balls before...  You're Welcome, Jenny!

She continued to apologize for half an hour.

"I'm sorry if I attacked you [on a different occasion].  I realize how mellow you are in these situations.  I'm so sorry.  I like you.  I respect you.  I want us to be friends."

I have been touched by her display of True Love since it happened.  I had no idea she was capable of such humility and inner strength.  She has inspired me.

I have done a lot of complaining about the gossipy, small-mindedness of some women in The Burbs where I live.  I have been chastened.  I'm super happy about it!  HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

I'M A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER,YA'LL!

The night after The Apology I found myself at the church Halloween Party.  Jenny and I sat at the same table and laughed and joked.  It was wonderful and liberating. 

I hyjacked her baby for the remainder of the night.  Both to give her a break and to satisfy my ever growing baby hunger.

I have begun to think of all the times I have done and said things to offend others, perhaps without intent. 

Inspired by Jenny, I'd like to be Earl from that show My Name is Earl.  I'd like to write a list of people I have harmed and rectify my wrongs.

I'd also like to know what YOU have done to offend others and how you have repented or how you plan to repent.  Please entertain me.  I wanna know how truly offensive you can be. :)

Jenny is an amazing person.  I'm grateful she considers me a friend and Loves enough to want peace for us both.

Poor Little Rich Girl (Frozen Banana)

MY KIDS ARE SPOILED ROTTON AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT!

So I took my kids to the Pima County Fair this weekend. My friend invited me.

I said, “I ain’t got no dough, girl!”

She’s not used to me saying I don’t have cash. In the past I’ve thrown it around like it was no big thang.

I’d be like, “Don’t even THINK about paying! I’ve got this!”

My sister recently told her co-workers I was, “Stupid generous…”. “It’s really kind of ridiculous,“ she bragged. “Crys will give you the shirt off her back!” Thanks sis. Best compliment in a while…

But the days of Stupid Generous are over and done. Now I got no dough.

My friend suggested we do all the FREE STUFF at The Fair. The plan was to take the kiddies to see the livestock and petting zoo. Then maybe we could spring for a snack of some kind.

On the way to the fair I spoke to my offspring, “I do not have money for rides. I do not have money for inflatable-Sponge-Bob-on-a-stick. I do not have money for new T-shirts. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They nodded.

I continued. “I do not have money for PONY rides. I do not have money for wooden plaques that say your name. I will be buying you NOTHING! DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They nodded again.

“We will be observing COWS and SHEEP and CHICKENS. Then I will buy you a snack. This is the plan. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They said they did. THEY LIED.

Once at the Fair I was charged a FARE. I thought, “NO FAIR!” But NO FARE, NO FAIR. Get it? Mmmmk. I paid.

Then I paid DEARLY within 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES!

“Mama! That little girl has a plastic guitar filled with soda! Can I have one?! PLEEEEAAASSSE? It’s only SEVEN DOLLARS!”

“I WANNA BUNGEE JUMP!” (Ok so that one was me….)

“Ooooooh Mama! Can I go on that roller coaster?! It’s only BLAH BLAH DOLLARS!”

“Mom! I WANT THAT NECKLACE! PLEEAAASSSEEE!”

And because I do not believe in physically harming my children, I had an overwhelming desire to punch a random stranger.

There were a lot of random strangers and they all had the stuff my kids wanted.

“That kid has a plastic dolphin on a stick! I want one!!!!”

“How come that little girl gets to ride an elephant? NO FAIR! IT’S ONLY 10 DOLLARS FOR FIVE MINUTES!”

I’m really good at math. I said, “That’s TWO DOLLARS A MINUTE! It’s almost like they’re STEALING!”

I tried to be humorous.

“I’ll let you ride on MY back for FREEEE!” I said.

They ignored me.

“I WANNA RIDE AN ELEPHANT!”

I lost my mind a bit. I suddenly became that trashy WAL-MART MOM I HATE! You know who I’m talking about! The one that stops the flow of traffic to maniacally shout, “I AIN’T GOT NO MONEY FOR NO ELEPHANT RIDES. SO QUIT ASKIN’, JUNIOR!”

My kids did finally resign themselves to petting cows. They even made great sport of pissing off the llamas.

“HAHAHA! I made it SPIT at you! If you poke it‘s butt it‘ll spit. Watch this!”

“Move over so I can poke it‘s butt!”

All the butt poking angered the caged llamas. They went all nuts and starting kicking the enclosure. My kids and their friend laughed with wild abandon.

“Alright, girls. Enough. Let’s go get snacks,” I said.

SNACKS AT THE FAIR ARE EXPENSIVE!

I bought Maya a FOUR DOLLAR CORN DOG which she proceeded to drop on the floor.

“NOOOOOO!” I said aloud as I stared at the fallen dog. “That was FOUR DOLLARS!”

I bought her another one.

By this time I was SUPER PISSED.

As my children enjoyed their insanely over-priced snacks I glared at the people around me.

I watched a group of ladies in tiny tank tops buy enormous frozen bananas. They giggled and took lewd pictures and thought themselves clever.

“MORONS!” I said to my friend. “Why does EVERY family event insist upon featuring FROZEN BANANAS?! HUH? WHAT PERVERT IS RESPONSIBLE?!”

Normally I’M one of the moronic perverts taking pictures with a frozen banana. (It’s quite clever when done correctly…?). It’s just not funny when the girls in the ill-fitting tank tops can afford the bananas and I can’t. Ya know?

Then my friend had a brilliant thought, “Maybe the question you should be asking is WHY DO BANANAS EXIST AT ALL?!”

I thought about it. “God has a sense of humor.”

Well folks, the joke is one ME! I love this whole Poor little RICH GIRL thing I’ve got going here. It’ll give me experience, right? And if I endure it well maybe I’ll sell a book and be rich again… Maybe!

I have done myself and my children a disservice by spoiling them rotton during times of plenty. Last year we would have returned home with various inflatable toys on sticks, monterous headaches due to rickety roller coasters and I would have proudly sported an enormous frozen banana. WHAT? Are you gonna JUDGE me? It’s just a FRUIT that happens to be a great source of potassium, for heaven’s sake! Get your head outta the gutter! SHEESH!

This year things are different. God smiles down on me as I count my tiny dollars. He is teaching me humility. He is teaching me to teach my children humility. It SUCKS!

I’d much rather ride the elephant with a frozen banana in my hand.

I’m just sayin’…