I Killed My Sister's Dog.

And it came to pass that I slayed my sister's dog. 

And thou shalt not say "oh thou fool" for fear of hell fire.

I was only 1 and 7 years old.  In the reign.

Coral went to Hawaii and left her dog in my care.  Little tiny thing.  No bigger than a pot roast.  She loved Little Dog with all her might, mind and strength.  Slept with it every night.

My brother was in my car with his friends.  I wanted to be the super cool older sis so I drove all fast and crazy and car danced and yelled out the window.  They were impressed.

Little Dog ran up to greet my car as I pulled in.  I was going far too fast.

YIP. YIPE! YIPE!  OH YIP!  said Little Dog.

He ran around in circles for a bit.  Then he just collapsed.  His tongue was sticking out when I went to assess the damage.

Hysteria ensued.  I was no longer cool and impressive in the eyes of my brother's friends.  I was a screaming, crying MURDERER.

I just remembered that story right now. It still makes me feel terrible inside my heart.

 I thought you might like to know I'm a murderer before we take this relationship any further.

Have YOU ever killed your sister's dog?  Or any dog?  How about a cat?  Rat?  Bat? Hat?  You should get a hat box.



This pic is blurry but you can see Coral has forgiven my blunder.

She made me a shirt like the one I often wore in college that belonged to my BFF, Katy.  But THAT one had the neck cut out so that it hung off my shoulder and you could see my colorful bra strap.  Real Classy.  It drove the Mormon boys MAD.

It reads:

Hold me I'm a Fermata.

I love it!!!!

When I wore the college virgin all the boys would pretend they were reading my shirt for a really really long time.

If a boy asked "What's a firmata?"  I would know he was not a Music Person and dismiss him post mortum.  (The man I married turned out to not be a Music Man but It's cool 'cause we make sexy music together anyways.)


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And it came to pass that the sister of Crystal begat 2 sons and 2 daughters.

And it came to pass that I drove to visit them this weekend.  And on the third day my normal 13 year old nephew wrapped his arms around me in the kitchen and squeezed me tight and said,

"I needed a random hug from you."

AND I WASN'T EVEN WEARING MY FIRMATA SHIRT!!!!!! 

My whole insides got all warm and gooey and melty.

HE LOVES ME! HE REALLY REALLY LOVE ME! 

Then I watched Temple Grandin with them. For 2 WHOLE HOURS I translated the movie into Child Speak.

Coral said, "You are so nuturing and gentle.  You remind me of Dad."

And now I say unto you that I felt happy and Loved inside my heart all the day long.

Poor Little Rich Girl (Frozen Banana)

MY KIDS ARE SPOILED ROTTON AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT!

So I took my kids to the Pima County Fair this weekend. My friend invited me.

I said, “I ain’t got no dough, girl!”

She’s not used to me saying I don’t have cash. In the past I’ve thrown it around like it was no big thang.

I’d be like, “Don’t even THINK about paying! I’ve got this!”

My sister recently told her co-workers I was, “Stupid generous…”. “It’s really kind of ridiculous,“ she bragged. “Crys will give you the shirt off her back!” Thanks sis. Best compliment in a while…

But the days of Stupid Generous are over and done. Now I got no dough.

My friend suggested we do all the FREE STUFF at The Fair. The plan was to take the kiddies to see the livestock and petting zoo. Then maybe we could spring for a snack of some kind.

On the way to the fair I spoke to my offspring, “I do not have money for rides. I do not have money for inflatable-Sponge-Bob-on-a-stick. I do not have money for new T-shirts. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They nodded.

I continued. “I do not have money for PONY rides. I do not have money for wooden plaques that say your name. I will be buying you NOTHING! DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They nodded again.

“We will be observing COWS and SHEEP and CHICKENS. Then I will buy you a snack. This is the plan. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”

They said they did. THEY LIED.

Once at the Fair I was charged a FARE. I thought, “NO FAIR!” But NO FARE, NO FAIR. Get it? Mmmmk. I paid.

Then I paid DEARLY within 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES!

“Mama! That little girl has a plastic guitar filled with soda! Can I have one?! PLEEEEAAASSSE? It’s only SEVEN DOLLARS!”

“I WANNA BUNGEE JUMP!” (Ok so that one was me….)

“Ooooooh Mama! Can I go on that roller coaster?! It’s only BLAH BLAH DOLLARS!”

“Mom! I WANT THAT NECKLACE! PLEEAAASSSEEE!”

And because I do not believe in physically harming my children, I had an overwhelming desire to punch a random stranger.

There were a lot of random strangers and they all had the stuff my kids wanted.

“That kid has a plastic dolphin on a stick! I want one!!!!”

“How come that little girl gets to ride an elephant? NO FAIR! IT’S ONLY 10 DOLLARS FOR FIVE MINUTES!”

I’m really good at math. I said, “That’s TWO DOLLARS A MINUTE! It’s almost like they’re STEALING!”

I tried to be humorous.

“I’ll let you ride on MY back for FREEEE!” I said.

They ignored me.

“I WANNA RIDE AN ELEPHANT!”

I lost my mind a bit. I suddenly became that trashy WAL-MART MOM I HATE! You know who I’m talking about! The one that stops the flow of traffic to maniacally shout, “I AIN’T GOT NO MONEY FOR NO ELEPHANT RIDES. SO QUIT ASKIN’, JUNIOR!”

My kids did finally resign themselves to petting cows. They even made great sport of pissing off the llamas.

“HAHAHA! I made it SPIT at you! If you poke it‘s butt it‘ll spit. Watch this!”

“Move over so I can poke it‘s butt!”

All the butt poking angered the caged llamas. They went all nuts and starting kicking the enclosure. My kids and their friend laughed with wild abandon.

“Alright, girls. Enough. Let’s go get snacks,” I said.

SNACKS AT THE FAIR ARE EXPENSIVE!

I bought Maya a FOUR DOLLAR CORN DOG which she proceeded to drop on the floor.

“NOOOOOO!” I said aloud as I stared at the fallen dog. “That was FOUR DOLLARS!”

I bought her another one.

By this time I was SUPER PISSED.

As my children enjoyed their insanely over-priced snacks I glared at the people around me.

I watched a group of ladies in tiny tank tops buy enormous frozen bananas. They giggled and took lewd pictures and thought themselves clever.

“MORONS!” I said to my friend. “Why does EVERY family event insist upon featuring FROZEN BANANAS?! HUH? WHAT PERVERT IS RESPONSIBLE?!”

Normally I’M one of the moronic perverts taking pictures with a frozen banana. (It’s quite clever when done correctly…?). It’s just not funny when the girls in the ill-fitting tank tops can afford the bananas and I can’t. Ya know?

Then my friend had a brilliant thought, “Maybe the question you should be asking is WHY DO BANANAS EXIST AT ALL?!”

I thought about it. “God has a sense of humor.”

Well folks, the joke is one ME! I love this whole Poor little RICH GIRL thing I’ve got going here. It’ll give me experience, right? And if I endure it well maybe I’ll sell a book and be rich again… Maybe!

I have done myself and my children a disservice by spoiling them rotton during times of plenty. Last year we would have returned home with various inflatable toys on sticks, monterous headaches due to rickety roller coasters and I would have proudly sported an enormous frozen banana. WHAT? Are you gonna JUDGE me? It’s just a FRUIT that happens to be a great source of potassium, for heaven’s sake! Get your head outta the gutter! SHEESH!

This year things are different. God smiles down on me as I count my tiny dollars. He is teaching me humility. He is teaching me to teach my children humility. It SUCKS!

I’d much rather ride the elephant with a frozen banana in my hand.

I’m just sayin’…