Queen of All Wild Things (The Beast Within)

“What should I write about today, Bella?” I asked my nine year old.

We were at the zoo.

“Write about the beast within each of us,” she said.

My child is a thoughtful genius!

“You are a thoughtful genius, my love!” I said.

It was about 2000 degrees at the Tucson Reid Park Zoo. We took full advantage of the park’s water feature.

We then wandered about the grounds soaking wet and let the breeze gently dry us.

Story Time:

We strolled past the lion exhibit where we saw Mama and Papa lion chewin’ on a hunk ‘o something’. They looked pretty happy and chill.

Then this IDIOT went up to the glass and started banging on it and ROARING at the lions. He was shouting, “HERE LITTLE KITTY! ROAR!” and he just kept pounding on the glass with all his might. His children and woman giggled in anticipation. They had clearly seen this stunt before.

The lioness jumped up from her chew toy and showed all her teeth. She then proceeded to run toward the glass FULL FORCE! She ran straight to where my little Maya was standing and began ferociously pawing the thick glass. The only things that stood between my baby and that wild beast were 2 feet and a wall of glass!

My heart was in my throat! Instinctively, I yanked her away from the angry lioness.

The Lion Agitating MORON began laughing and howling and clapping like a retarded primate. “DUUUDE!! THAT WAS SOOO BAD!!!!”

Then he started banging on the glass again.

Then he’d grab one of his terrified children by the arm and yell, “BOO!” He laughed as the child convulsed in fear.

Can you say LUNATIC?

I corralled my children away from the disturbing man and frustrated animal and terrified children.

Maya looked up at me with clear blue eyes, “MAMA! That lion wanted to eat ME!”

I almost cried. My heart was still pounding so hard in my chest I couldn’t see straight.

As I blindly led my kids through the remainder of the zoo I thought about the beast within myself.

I have a few, actually. A HOT temper might be one of them. Another might be VANITY. I’m sure you’re shocked.

I’ve got TONS of beasts. I’m like Beauty and THE BEASTS. And they rear their ugly heads when I least expect.

….”they roar their terrible roars and show their terrible claws and gnash their terrible teeth… oh please don’t go we’ll eat you up we love you so!”

The more I give into the Beasts Within, the stronger they grow. The more I give in, the more they adore me and claw at me internally wanting to be released. The more I give in, the more they want to take me over completely.

It’s like, one minute I’m minding my business, and out of NO WHERE some imbecile starts bangin’ on my glass.

Do you ever notice that in yourself? One minute you’re all calm and serene and watching your weight and the next you’re a gluttonous pig downing 2 Big Macs and a Super-Sized Fries with an Apple Pie for dessert?

It’s like the idiot bangin’ on your glass is the Big Mac and the monster within you is a Big-Fat-Gelatinous -Jabba-the-Hut. “kjhi uiyiuljkbiug buuuurgggerb ghab!!!!”

An example in current affairs is Jesse James. He had a sexy, tattoed vixen bangin’ on his glass. His internal beast reared it’s ugly head and he gave in, losing America’s Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, and his dignity in the process. Bummer!

I don’t judge Mr. Jesse James. We all make mistakes. We all have beasts within. I’m sure he has suffered greatly for his sins. We live and learn, don’t we?

The thing that super sucks about Beasts Within is you never outgrow them. NEVER! As long as you’re alive you WILL battle SOMETHING. You will kill one beast only to discover another lurking in it’s shadow.

I’m told it’s a matter of BRIDLING those passionate beasts. SELF-CONTROL.

I recently read there is a sharp increase in 50 year olds taking up drugs such as heroin, cocaine and marijuana. The number has nearly DOUBLED since 1992!

WHAT?!

So instead of graying granny baking chocolate chip cookies for the kiddies she’s baking brownies with a dash of WEED?! And when she excuses herself to powder her nose…????? Oh my.

Poor Gran is rockin’ back and forth with knitting in her lap when Mary Jane starts bangin on her glass. “Graaannnny!!!!! Youuu whooooo! Time for some herbal refreshment!” Suddenly she’s jonsin’. Next thing ya know, Grandma Pearl is high as a kite!

Sad, really.

What’s bangin’ on YOUR glass? What makes YOU come unglued?

I really hate it when people gossip about me.

Heaven help the fool who says bad things behind my back (even if they’re true) cuz if I find out… ROOOOAAAARRRR AND FANGS AND CLAWS AND LOTS OF NAUGHTY WORDS AND GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

“the trick of looking into all their yellow eyes without blinking once and so they made her QUEEN of all wild things


…oh please don’t go! We’ll eat you up we love you so! But CRYSTAL said… No….”

Public Pool

“Watch my stuff for a minute so I can pee, “ I said.

“At this pool you can pee in the water. I just did,” said Serena.

“And you’re swimming 2 feet away from me?!” I said.

So I decided to sit and relieve myself. When in Rome…

I didn’t really urinate in the pool. But I am positive that every ONE of 50 children I see before me at this very moment have contributed to strengthening my immune system. I’m grateful.

I really AM grateful today.

I’m grateful to live in a community that offers a PUBLIC pool with lots and lots of PUBLIC PEOPLE that many or may not contribute to the liquid content of said Tucson Parks and Rec PUBLIC POOL.

How can I possibly love my neighbor if I don’t know WHO my neighbor is?!

Here amongst The People I can become more tolerant to the differences of those around me. I can become more tolerant of strange, disgusting men with inordinate amounts of belly hair who stare at me and my 11 year old daughter. I can become more tolerant to various diseases and fungi that have surely made a breeding ground of the facility.

At this pool there are neighbors of every race, age, shape and size. I enjoy talking to the neighbors. We ARE swimming in one another’s bodily fluids, after all. I don’t mind. I really don’t. I never had this much fun when I owned my own private pool.

When I had a pool in my very own backyard I actually had to WATCH my kids in order that they might not drown privately. HERE, however, I can rely on the many, many teenaged lifeguards who are not actually watching my children either but instead watching EACH OTHER in the hopes of some post-life guarding action.

Instead of watching my kids I can actually read the newspaper like a respectable adult.

The front page of the Arizona Daily Star featured an article about a 81 year old man. The man crashed into a CARWASH last Saturday, injuring a woman. I’m sure he just didn’t SEE it coming. Carwashes are very unpredictable and often tend to jump out at 81 year old men for the sheer comedic value.

The old man “had no recollection” of the crashes. Well. Yeah. If carwashes were just jumping out at me in broad daylight I might choose to block out that memory too! It’s ok, Gramps. It could happen to anyone.

I’M NOT DONE! Get this! Two days later the old man rear-ended a truck. THEN he backed up and HIT IT AGAIN!!! THENNNNN (I am NOT making this up) he hit ANOTHER vehicle THREE MORE TIMES!!!!!!THEEEENNNNNNN he turned the car over to his wife who hit a 70 year old lady, “PINNING HER TO A BUILDING”. !!!!!!!

I think ageism is wrong. The man should definitely KEEP his license and continue driving.

After I had my fill of serious current events my children began The Begging.

“Please go down the slide with us!!!” they said.

“Nope. There are no other mommies going down the slide. I won’t go.”

The slide became addicting and invigorating. I felt like a child again. Or at the very least, a very immature adult who should NOT be going down swirly, curly PUBLIC SLIDES at the PUBLIC POOL Nor should I be making CRAZY conversation with the lifeguard on duty that involves animated and confusing arm gestures.

I chose to wear a tank top over my swim suit for these pics because Mormons are not supposed to wear two-piece bathing suits and I don’t want any of them to find out I do not actually own any ONE PIECE bathing suits. If you could keep this a secret between just US I would appreciate it. I would like to keep my unblemished reputation in tact.

I am sure that when I am old and saggy I will suddenly develop a strong testimony of one-piece swim suits with frilly skirts attached that actually only draw MORE attention to my imperfections. Until that time I will continue to wear tanks over my suit for blog pics and when I am invited to swim at Lori’s pool. (Lori is cool and wouldn’t care.)

If you are going to leave a judgemental comment please remember that Creativity Counts. Thank you.