I am feeling SO much better. I really am.
I went viral last week, you'll remember. But today I feel GRRRREAT! Just like Tony the Tiger. He feels GRRREAT!
I always think Tony The Tiger is a bit too smug. He's all smiley and cheerful but he KNOWS he is at the top of the food chain. He could eat you alive at any given moment. YOU know it. And HE knows it. This is why he is so arrogant about promoting a children's cereal that barely qualifies as food. If he gets too hungry he can eat YOU! Makes perfect sense.
Whatever.
I'm GRRRREEAT!
Except for the cough.
There is a residual cough. A lingering hack. Nay. A humiliating hack.
I could die of shame. I really could.
First of all coughing is UGLY. NOBODY looks good when coughing. Even the sexiest, most alluring lady in the world is suddenly taken down several notches aesthetically when her lung flies violently out her perfect throat and lands at your feet.
GROSS.
Secondly, it is distracting. Who can think when there is a cougher in the midst?
Maddening.
Thirdly, it is unsanitary. Coughers should be cast out until they are ready to behave themselves.
Truly.
Let's talk about my personal cough.
I'll be just sitting There minding my own business and suddenly I inhale a granule of dust or a dog hair or nothing. Suddenly I lose all control.
My person LOSES ALL CONTROL!
COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK *deep inhalation* COUGH COUGH COUGH *body convulses rudely* COUGH COUGH cough cough gasp
Everybody stares. And points. And mocks. Some people THROW THINGS AND YELL AT ME!
"GET A ROOM!!!!" They shout.
Tonight was choir practice. I had to go. I am a diva soprano. They NEED me.
Plus we are performing on Easter Sunday. I could not miss this rehearsal. Because then I could not stand before the whole congregation in my pretty Easter dress with a holy expression on my earnest Easter face and sing soulfully with my clear as a bell Easter voice. I had no choice.
Tonight we were meant to sing the beautiful lyrics, God so loved the world. ...So loved the World... All drawn out and slow and meaningful like.
Everyone else sounded lovely.
I, however, sang,
GOOOOOOD SO LOVED THE WOOOORRRLD... SO LOVED THE COUGH COUGH COUGH DEEP DISGUSTING RATTLE.
Every FIVE MINUTES the cough would resume!
The choir laughed and mocked and stared and threw things.
I climbed under the piano to cough there. It was safe under the piano. ...For a time.
I think they may have me banned. I deserve banishment.
I went home all upset.
"CHOIR WAS AWFUL! I THINK THEY ALL HATE ME NOW! I coughed every FIVE MINUTES!" I wailed.
"That sucks," said Mr. Pistol. He is very understanding when I am hysterical.
"SO YOU THINK THEY HATE ME TOO THEN??!! OH NO! THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL TALKING ABOUT HOW I SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME! EVEN THOUGH I TOLD THEM I'M NOT CONTAGIOUS! EVEN THOUGH I SAT TWO CHAIRS DOWN FROM THE REST OF THE SOPRANOS SO AS NOT TO INFECT!!"
"Honey, they don't hate you. It's fine."
"THEY THINK I'M INCONSIDERATE FOR COUGHING ON THEIR PARADE!"
"No, they don't. You are very considerate."
"NO I'M NOOOTTTT! I'M A FREAK! I PRACTICALLY TURNED BLUE AND PASSED OUT AT ONE POINT. BUT I JUST KEPT SINGING! LIKE A FREAK!"
He sat silent.
"I MADE SURE NOT TO COUGH IN ANYONE'S DIRECTION! I KNOW HOW TO COUGH IN PUBLIC, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!"
He said nothing still.
"WELL?!"
"Come over here and kiss me." (This is how he gets me to pipe down. It's a last ditch attempt at regaining sanity in the home.)
"But I ate a salad with red onions for dinner. And I just drank cough syrup. I TASTE OF RED ONIONS AND COUGH SYRUP!"
He laughed.
"You're fun," he smiled.
"COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! COUGH," I smiled back.
