Thursday, January 5, 2012

Sexy Weight Loss Tips

Wanna lose weight?

Eat with your wrong hand.  Go on!  Try it!  Are you right handed??  YOU ARE?!  Grab a spoon with your left monkey paw and have yourself a bowl of soup, why don'tcha?

Women's Health Mag this month suggests eating with your wrong hand.

I tried it.

I'm left handed.  I'm told being left handed means lots of good, creative, sexy things about me.  Plus stats say I will die a good decade earlier than my righty counterparts.  Whatever.  Stats are stupid.

I'll give you a stat...    In a study conducted by marsupials in Madagascar it was discovered that 1 in every 6 white males are attracted to women with cavernous armpits.

Mmm hmm.  True story.

I tried eating a bowl of cereal with my right hand tonight.  Just to see.  I was terribly uncomfortable.  TERRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE!

 It was TORTURE!  I could focus on nothing else but hand to mouth coordination!  I was an infant!  There were Lucky Charms flying in every conceivable direction!  Green horseshoes, yellow diamonds, blue moons and little green men with Irish accents found themselves splattered on my walls, floors and chin and thigh.

It was TERRIBLE!  I couldn't just watch TV and mindlessly shovel tiny marshmallows into my mouth without a thought. I felt confused and deprived and frustrated. I had to actually THINK in order to indulge. Awful. Just awful.

I gave up.

I eventually put the spoon in the rightful left hand.

Yum yum yum mmmm.  Bad girl.

The spoon in the wrong hand idea got me to thinkin'.

What ELSE might we come up with that would help us with our weight loss goals?

I have a few suggestions.

Method A:  The Big Squeeze

Buy a pair of pants two sizes too small.  Wear them all day.  Berate yourself for not being minute enough to breath in said pants.

Focus on your excess skin (and/or fat) that is now hanging over the waistline of the unforgiving trousers. Feel that pant-too-tight-pinch on your private parts.  Tell yourself it is your over-eating and under exercising that has done this thing.  Repeat the following in your mind (or aloud, if you so desire):


and also:


That aughta do it.  You will be on your way to starvation skinny in no time! :D

Method B:  EAT NAKED

This is not my idea. I wish I could take credit, but I will give credit where credit is due.

 Marissa Miller, Women's Health's January cover model, claims to eat naked.  Eating naked is meant to make her feel sexier.

Marissa says, "Eating smart is all about having an awareness of your body.  The most obvious way to do that is by seeing it.  So when you're trying to lose weight spend more time wearing less."


Yes.  Why didn't I think of that?!  By all means!  It makes perfect sense!  Wear LESS while you eat.  Have a pastrami on rye and simultaneously take a gander at the nudey miracle of YOU!

It's okay if you have rolls of back fat!  It's okay that your tummy is squishy and thighs are squashy!  It's okay that you have a triple neck!

With the EAT NAKED METHOD of weight loss you will soon detest your current shape so much you will surely ditch your daily burger and fries for a healthy bout with Bulemia. :)

(Not that Marissa is Bulemic or suffers from eating disorders of any kind, you understand.  I'm not saying THAT!  Don't be silly.)


Method C:  Two Birds.  One Stone.

Ex-lax.  Consume lots and lots of Ex-lax. Daily.

You will spend a great deal of time on the family throne, which will allow you ample opportunity to catch up on your reading and correspondence. (Tip: Invest in extra soft tp and a quality magazine rack. Maybe a flat screen to pass the time...)

This method will simultaneously reduce your waistline and increase your brainpower!

Anyone for a game of trivia? you will say as you saunter about in size 2 pedal pushers .

Method D:  This Could be YOU

Tape pictures all over the house of the fattest man in the world.  Remind yourself you are only 3 Reeses PB Cups away from donning his diaper.

There you have it, folks!

Just a few gentle suggestions to help you accomplish your goals in the new year!

Do YOU have any suggestions for weight loss?  Why don't you share with the rest of the class? :)