Thursday, December 29, 2011

Smurfy From Da Block, Yo.

Wut up, G?  Dis is Cryssy from da block comin' at ya  live and ready to jive!

I lives in the burbs now, yo.  It's coo' up in here.  Mostly white folks.  But I like me some white folks.

I wore a sweatsuit all day today in honor of Jennifer "J. Lo" Lopez i.e. Jenny from da block.

To be fair, I have been wearing Victoria's Secret sweatsuits every winter for years now. I would have worn one with or without J. Lo's stamp of approval. But let's pretend she was my inspiration here.

I buy a new VS suit every year.  They are just so comfy and fluffery and matchy-matchy. I love them with my soul.  I meant to buy a black one.  Inconspicuous. Slimming.  Chocolate sauce stains don't show up.

Sadly, there were no black sweatsuits available in a size S. Not online.  Not in store.  Strange.  Don't you think? There were plenty of larges and extra large black sweaty suits to be had for the Biggie smalls but  no smalls for the Smallie smalls.  One would venture to guess (given the slimming effect of black) that the larger sizes would be snatched up first.  But no.

So I settled (uneasily) on a blue one, which Mr. Pistol ordered and wrapped and put under the tree.  I gasped in surprise Christmas morn.  *GASP! * "How did you guess?!  Daddy always knows JUST what Mama wants, kids!"

Back to Jenny: J. Lo wore sweats whilst shopping Valentino. A girl after my own poor heart.

J. to the Lo is making it ai'ght for all the ladies to sport sweats in public with pride!  YAY!  She is taking slouchy to new heights! This week she wore her heather grey sweatsuit to the Valentino store.  Valentino is my very favorite couture fancy brand.  That girl is living out my fantasy.

Hooray!  Glory day!  Sweaty pants are classy pants, ya'll.  Matchy-matchy is IN!  YES!  All my wildest dreams are coming true!

I have a sneaking suspicion her newest lover, Casper Smart The 24 Year Old Boy Toy, is to be thanked.  Jenny is reverting back to her hip hop look due to this sprite young chap.

Let's take a gander at ol' Casper, shall we?

He's a studly young sody pop drinkin' man fresh out of puberty, Casper is. He's got his big boy pipes now, he has.  Vocal pipes, I mean.   Bo knows.  And now Casper knows... Jenny in the biblical sense.  Lucky boy?

Nah.  We should pity the little man.  She will have her fun and spit him back out into the cold. She doesn't plan to hurt in him her current reverie, but it will happen.

Poor lad.  No other woman will compare to the bootyful, rich and powerful Jennifer in his mind for the rest of his life.  He is ruined.  Dead, lonely man walking.  It is really quite cruel of her.

On the other hand,  since the beginning of time men have used women far younger than themselves for physical gratification and prestige.

Some men have encouraged the oft believed notion that males age well and women age poorly.  Silly notion.  An erroneous perception.  Men and women lose facial elasticity, agility, flexibility, beauty and hair at roughly the same juncture in life. Both sexes eventually look and feel like crap.  Men need feel no extra measure of pride on this account.

Jennifer Lopez, however, is turning tradition on it's ear.  She is an powerful, prestigious 42 year old woman out for a romp.  And by, George!  She shall have her filthy romp.  At the expense of her children and reputation, she shall have it!

I have been a huge fan of Jennifer since she starred as Selena.  I danced in my living room along with Jenny as she strutted her Fly Girl bottom in In  Living Color.  I dig her music.  I dig her Latina culture.  I dig her warmth.  I dig her funky fresh style.  I admit I enjoy emulating her in some ways.

While I refuse to follow her Valentino clad feet in her personal life, I will throw you a ficticious gang sign, screw up my face, don enormous silver hoops on my lobes and rock my Smurfy sweatsuit in honor of my girl.

Jennifer Lopez is downright Smurfy in my book!  I don't care what anybody else smurfs!


The End