Tis the season to eat yourself into a flesh winter coat, all warm and blubbery and gelatinous.
Tis the season to blow all your disposable funds and also maybe some gas money.
Tis the season to swallow your pride when extended family members comment on how you've put on weight and how you were such a lovely fit child.
I have decided to not be offended this Holiday season. This is my work and my glory.
For instance, I wore this lovely frock on Sunday.
It is a handmade 1950's vintage party dress.
I always wear my party dresses to church because where the heck else am I supposed to wear them in the sleepy town of Tuck-son AZ? Hmmm? Answer me THAT! Plus, going to church is the only exciting social gathering of my week. So I dress up.
Anywho, I wore this dress:
I sat myself down at church right where I am assigned to sit: with the children. These are the people with whom I mostly socialize. I like to dress in bright colors so as to physically blind and confuse them into good behavior.
There was giggling behind me. The giggling came from two little boys in my class.
"What's so funny?" I asked cheerfully. I wanted to laugh too at the church party of mostly children in my green velvet party dress.
"Nothin'," they giggled some more.
"Come on, guys. Tell me your funny funny joke," I smiled.
"YOU LOOK LIKE A CHRISTMAS ELF!" one of the boys exploded.
And guess WHAT? I wasn't offended AT ALL! I laughed maniacally with the wild eyes of a shut-in let out. They were terrified.
I LOVE Christmas elves! In fact, I was one in a previous life, I'm pretty sure. My name was Candy Cane Lolly Lop.
Also regarding my affinity for elves, the film Elf starring Will Farrel is my favorite movie of all time. OF ALL TIME!
Later on this green velvet Sunday, I went to a fancy Choir practice. I have been invited to sing Soprano in Handel's Messiah Sing-Along. HOLY CRAP is that music elegant!! (As am I... obviously...) I am so HONORED and tickled to be included with the talented, fancy people...
One of those fancy people noticed my green party frock and said,
"It's not quite time to wear that dress... is it? You're a few weeks early... and you look like a Christmas Elf..."
(I may have lied about the elf part... but she was thinking it.)
Was I offended that someone thought I had jumped the fashion gun?
NAY! I was in fact PLEASED to stick out like a green thumb.
I am sure my friend did not mean to be hurtful. She was just being friendly.
As you can clearly see, I am handling my goal very well.
I EVEN didn't get offended when a 21 year old at the gym today said,
"Wow! You have such a ROCKIN' body! I sure hope I look like you when I'm your age...".
MY AGE???? MY AGE??? WHAT THE *&%# IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? ARE YOU SAYING I'M OLD? IS 35 THE NEW OLD??? IS IT???! I'LL SHOW YOU OLD, YOU *&%$^% #*&^!
I wasn't offended in the least...
In other news:
I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner today for my little family. Turkey and stuffing and all the trimmings from scratch. We will eat with extended family on the actual gobble gobble day.
Maya was concerned I might need her advice on the preparations for the turkey. She wrote me a recipe.
In case you don't read Six-Year-Old the following is the translation:
How to bake a turkey. First, buy your turkey. Then put the turkey in the oven. Put the heat to 20 degrees. Last, take the bones out, then eat it. I hope you did not burn the Turkey.
