Monday, October 17, 2011
My Dirty Little Secret
When spirits visit me in my nightly hour of meditation I am never surprised. In fact, I expect a visit when I wear a vintage find for the first time.
The tag on the dress I wear read $9. The sales girl reduced it to half price at the register. I practically stole the cotton pickin' garment! I am a THEIF. A DRESS THEIF. I am a wicked wicked monkey, I am!
I wore a $4.50 dress to church today. She was my dirty secret... Until of course someone complimented me on my dress. I then resorted to blurting out the truth of my scandal in the most uncontrolled fashion...
"I paid four dollars for it!!! Can you BELIEVE that?!"
WHY must I share these details? Why can I not be demure and classy and mysterious? I have always wanted to be mysterious...
I should say,
"Why, thank you! You look lovely as well!"
See? I know what is appropriate. I just can't seem to get my manners and my tongue to cooperate.
People never really know what to respond when you tell them you are wearing a $4 dress.
Usually they smile kindly and murmur some polite condolence and gently walk away.
What IS the proper response to such a confession?
"$4? You don't say? ...How nice for you." ?
"Oh my. Well, you ARE a smart shopper, aren't you? What a wonderful find." ?
"Yes. You look quite cheap. Exactly like a dime store hussy. Now hold your tongue before anyone else finds out your tawdry little secret."
My meditation tonight centered on Love.
Lately I feel the need to fill myself with the spirit of love through prayer. That it might be felt in my day to day activities by everyone with whom I come in contact. I want my love to be so palpable that it is felt when I walk into a room like a force field. I wish to uplift by my very presence.
I have read accounts of great spiritual teachers having that effect on others. I want it for myself. ...For others...
My mind was calm and clear. My essence vibrated with the energy of love and light.
Her voice interrupted my thoughts,
"You are Open," said she. "You can feel me. Hear me..."
"Yes," I responded in my mind. "How can I help you?"
"What makes you think I need help?"
"Only those spirits with unfinished business come to share their tales of woe. What is your tale of woe, my friend?"
"Love. Woe and Love are interwoven so..."
"Who are you?"
"I am Phillipa. I died in England at the age of 33 in 1962. The dress you wear was my favorite. Until I went mad. STARK RAVING MAD! I became a certifiable lunatic. My dress was taken from me with all my other clothes. I lived in an institution until my demise.
Andrew was the Love of my life. I met him at college. We were friends for quite some time but eventually fell in Love.
Oh ANDREW! HOW I LOVE THEE! In eternity I shall live in hell without my Love. My angel of the morning. He loved me too! He said he did! He said,
"I am very fond of you, Phillipa."
In his way he meant to say he was madly in Love with me. MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kissed me on the lawn. My head leaned against a tree. He was handsome and large in stature. One of his hands swallowed up both my tiny ones. He stared unblinking into my eyes. My entire body burned with passion. I shuddered in delight and fear at his touch. The energy which surrounded us was lightening and fire...
He ran his hands through my hair. What an exquisite feeling! So pure. So right.
He invited me up to his room for the night.
I refused, at first. I wanted to be a lady. I wanted him to respect me. See me as a quality person deserving of long term love.
But in the end I could not resist his advances. I feared if he walked away I would never get another chance.
We made love. He was tender. Gentle.
He called me by the wrong name. Molly, he said. But I forgave the blunder. Anyone could have made that mistake.
After our fateful night I expected him to call on me.
He did not.
I became more and more distressed. Perhaps some harm had befallen him. Perhaps he wanted to come to me but had, in fact, sustained a serious injury and could not.
I went to him.
Found him with another. A petite red-head called [I'm sure you can guess] Molly.
How could he prefer a Molly to a MEEE?!
They lay in the throes of love making. Sheets all a tangle. Bare limbs and legs rushing to cover bleak nakedness.
I became enraged.
I removed the sheets to expose the evil underneath. I saw the betrayal. Pain blinded my eyes.
Scissors from a nearby desk found their way into my hand by the magic of unseen demons.
I fell upon this Moll. Wildly, violently I chopped off lock after lock of her lovely fire tresses. I then took to biting her face. Bit a huge chunk from her left cheek and spit it in the bed of doom.
Andrew scrambled to cover his nakedness as I rearranged his lover.
I turned to him with wild, tear filled eyes and a sneer.
"You made love to me. I was a virgin. You took what was most precious. You mock my divinity. I AM IMPORTANT, ANDREW! I AM OF VALUE, ANDREW! I shall now take what is most precious to you...
I slashed his face here and there with my scissor weapon so that he be no longer encumbered with such a pretty, alluring young face. I cut patches of thick brown hair to the very scalp.
I also attempted to use my scissors to castrate the young man.
He was too strong. He protected his Man Gems with every bit of fight he had in him.
"Oh! So you wish to keep the manhood in tact, do you? So as to defile and degrade the Mollys of the future, do you! May you awake a LEPER and may your staff stand down all the days of your life!"
He held me fast until authorities arrived to take me away.
I lived in an asylum for the rest of my days. Knowing Andrew thought of me daily. Andrew loved me. Loves me still, I venture. I am here to find him. I WILL find him. We will be VERY HAPPY TOGETHER! WE WILL!"
At this point Phillipa began to wail and pull her hair and thrash about the floor.
I calmly watched her until she had settled down.
"Is there anything else you would like to say before you go, Phillipa?" I asked.
"Yes. I am settled now. I would like for you to tell your friends every decision made in mortal life matters. It matters a great deal what you do when you are alive. Your happiness in eternity depends upon what you do or do not here...
One cannot fix mistakes nearly so easily in my ghostly state. I haven't the resources.
If I could return to myself I would be firm in my convictions and save myself for Eternal Love. I would not cast my pearls before swine. For my mistakes, I am now alone."
Thanks for the story and the dress, girl! I will wear it with integrity until I decide to sell it away again...