Saturday, October 22, 2011
The Devil Made Me Do It
Daily I try to forget about the evil spirits that constantly roam the earth.
I know they are here, the evil ones. Normally I ignore them and their whispers and taunts.
Tonight I cannot ignore them, however. I am painfully aware of legions of wicked invisibles breathing down my neck even as I type this.
Tonight my loving husband thought it a good idea to take me to see the new Paranormal Activity flick.
He meant for me to become a frightened girl of five and cling to his bulging biceps with squeals of terror and nervous energy.
He meant for me to slap my hand over my eyes and bury my head in his chest at the mere hint of goblins and witches.
He meant for me to need his masculine strength and lack of fear to protect me from scary big screen images...
I delivered these things with flying colors. I screamed and peeked through my fingers. I laughed nervously. I said the following phrases:
"Are they IDIOTS? You NEVER play the Bloody Mary game! Never! I learned that when I was EIGHT!"
"I'm so scared of Bloody Mary even STILL. She lives in the mirror, you know. I can't look at a mirror in the dark. She's IN THERE!"
"Did you see that ghost?! It disappeared into thin air!"
"RUN LITTLE GIRL! RUN AWAY!!"
"Ahhhhhh! I can't look. I'm gonna have a heart attack!"
I wasn't the only person behaving as such. The audience was replete with shrieking dames and heckling boys. The boys pretended not to be terrified but the vertebrata in their voices made the truth of their terror known.
My husband's plans to reduce me to a simpering babe in arms was successful.
It is now one a.m. I am wide awake with my ghosts whilst he snores soundly.
Evil spirits surround me.
They surround you. Now. Always. You are never free. Never alone. They hunger for your very soul.
Are you aware of them? They are acutely aware of you.
Can you feel them smiling upon you with crooked teeth and rotten breath? They breathe upon your neck and seek to inhabit your mortal body.
They influence the human family in the most dire manner.
To further revel in the delicious distraction of fear after the movie, I picked up my copy of Life Everlasting by Duane S. Crowther and read. He quoted the following:
In his Key To The Science of Theology Elder Parley P. Pratt summarized the effect they have upon their victims:
The more wicked of these are the kind spoken of in scripture, as 'foul spirits,' 'unclean spirits,' spirits who afflict persons in the flesh and engender various diseases in the human system. They will sometimes enter human bodies. and will distract them, throw them into fits, cast them into water, into fire, etc. They will trouble them with dreams, nightmares, hysterics, fever, etc. ... some of these spirits are adulterous, and suggest to the mind, all manner of lasciviousness, all kinds of evil thoughts and temptations.
Just as I have no doubt that my kindred, righteous dead are still the same lovely, kind, vivacious folks they were while in the flesh, I know darkness abounds. There must needs be opposition in all things, my friends.
Watch out. Mind your thoughts, words and deeds or you may find yourself uttering that oft repeated phrase,
"The Devil made me do it."
Have a SPOOKTACULAR SATURDAY, EVERYONE!
P.S. Also scary? X-tina sans make-up and pants. Puts the fear of Pete in a girl.