Thursday, September 22, 2011

Keep Your Tentacles to Yourself, You Over-Zealous Warthog

Did you hear about the dude that got fired for slapping Minka Kelly's perfect bottom?

Yeah.  Dude was a crew member of the new Charlie's Angels show.

He was holding a $100 bill and felt the urge to slap Kelly's booty. SMACK! She became indignant and insisted he please respect women.


Men shouldn't go about slapping your backside as they hold single $100 bills in their sweaty cave paws!  It's degrading.

 ...Now,  if he is boasting several million dollar bills and carrying a guitar and writing songs about how your body is a wonderland then that's different... But a random crew member who isn't even FAMOUS?  NEVER.  Don't be ridiculous. 

Anyway, I'm proud of her!  I love how she stood up for herself...

I wish more celebrities would take a stand against wrongful butt battering.

I wish celebrities would start a non-profit organization to raise awareness regarding the man handling of one's hind cheeks not your own.  They could stage a sit-in as a way to shield buttocks from further abuse.

Their motto could be:


There could be t-shirts and bumper stickers and a cake walk with delicious pastries in the form of perky glute mounds.

Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian could be the mascots and offer themselves up at a Smacking Booth. One hundred dollars per Booty Slap.

Black men, Latinos and a few ambitious white men would line up for miles with money in hand.  They would jump at the chance to slap those Bountiful Backsides!  These illustrious men would be snuffing out wrongful arse slapping in the process!  It would be like slapping two butts with one hand!!

You've gotta admit it's brilliant.

This is a hugely personal issue for me personal in my personal life regarding my person and more specifically my derriere.

People are constantly smacking MY backside all the day long in the workplace...

I cook and bake and tub and scrub and do you know what I experience?

Well,  I'll tell ya!

 I hear things like,

Hey baby!  What are you cookin' me for dinner?  *smack*


You look super smokin' hot today, honey... *smack!*


Come here, Mama... Your booty's looking juicy this morning... *SMACK!*

And tonight,

Your donkey is very round and boing-y and muscle-y and you shake it when you walk, Mommy... *smack! smack! smack-ity smack.*


I'm grateful for Minka.

Now I have the courage to stand up to the bottom slappers in my life... but I probably won't because it's sorta flattering...

There will come a day when my children won't want to slap my tush anymore... It will be a sad day indeed.  (For the record, my husband had better keep it up until his dying day or I'll be emotionally wounded and go to the grave in tears.)

PS  If any man outside my immediate family slapped my backside I would scratch his eyes out and punch his lights out and pull his hairs off.  Minka handled her situation like a lady.  Given similar circumstances the same would not be said of me...