Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Honeymoon Sexy Time

Dear Crystal, I thought of a question for you. What were the three happiest days of your life? Now, if you just want to do one or two days that would be fine. Love, Belle.

Great question, Belle!  And thank you so very, very much for humoring me and thinking of a good Q.  :) 

I could get all sappy and lovey and dovey and tell you the FIVE best days of my life, hands down, are the day I got married and the day each of my babies was born.  This would be a true statement.  I loved every second of those days.  Every woman loves to prance around in a fluffy wedding gown and secure the man she loves with a ball and chain for time and all eternity...

In addition,  I would give birth EVERYDAY if it were possible.  It's so exciting with the pushing and screaming and legs you can't feel and the great miracle that that my husband doesn't pass out from all the blood and fingers and humans going into and out of the orifice he deems his personal property... Seriously though, I loved EVERY SECOND.  No lie.

I would write about those wonderful days to which there is no Earthly parallel.

But I'm feelin' feisty.

So I'll talk about my sixth happiest day EVER.


When my husband and I were dating we could have made one of those Mormon commercials.  You know the ones...

I would have smiled at the camera with bright, frantic eyes and said, 

"I am a healthy 20 year old and insanely attracted to this man here. I even love him and everything. I go to Brigham Young University.  I am a dancer and an International Marketing major.  I am not having sex.... And I am a Mormon.

And since we behaved ourselves (for the most part) so that we could get married in The Temple and please God and our parents and answer all the interview questions in the affirmative we got engaged precisely 2 months after we met and were married four LONG months after that.

We honeymooned in Hawaii.  The airline morons lost our luggage.  We didn't mind.  There was very little need for clothing.

I won't regale you with explicit details.  None of your beeswax, is what. ;)

I vividly remembering being pleased everything functioned properly.  I vividly remember the wildly unencumbered feeling of knowing I had MADE IT! I would NOT, in fact, go to hell as I had previously supposed. Sex was suddenly okay!  In fact, I was REQUIRED to do It!  Happy happy day!  OH Joy to the World!  I would not have to confess my dirty deeds.  I was FREE.

I vividly remember being satisfied.  Utter and completely satisfied. ;)

I know abstinence is considered old-fashioned and unheard of in the majority of the world.  I have had people say things like,

 "You Mormons are brave!  You gotta test drive that stuff before you buy it! He he."


"What if you are not compatible sexually?  What if it SUCKS?  Then your STUCK."

I don't feel like dignifying those questions with an answer, except to point it that it takes two to tango so if it sucks....  I only wish to point out the philosophies of our day.

I LOVE that we waited.  It wasn't fun then...  The anticipation. Torture, actually.  If you try stabbing your own eyeballs out with a spoon or chewing glass... well... that's what it was like, waiting.

I can't imagine what it would be like to get married and not have sex be all new and exciting like a opening a gift on Christmas morning.  Except a millions times better.

I, of course, don't negatively judge people who fornicate. :)  Everybody's doin' it. (No pun intended.)  I just don't know a different way than how I did it.  I'm partial to my own experiences, you understand...

In my feeble mind there is something to be said for self-control and respecting The Powers of Procreation rather than treating them like Powers Of Recreation With The Slut You Met At The Bar Last Night or Powers of Recreation With That Hot Dude Who Will Never Call Now.   

My brother once said, "The greatest lie society subscribes to is the idea that casual sex is not damaging."

So wise.  Sage, even.  And he's not even Mormon!  In fact, he thinks we are WEIRD.  He just celebrated 10 years of happy marriage to his high school sweet heart.  

I am teaching my own children and anyone's children who will listen to torture themselves in like manner.  It's healthy on so many levels.

Suffice it to say, we went back to Hawaii on our 10 year wedding anniversary to see the island for the first time... That was four years ago.  Things are still pretty hot around here so we'll try visiting the Aloha State again in another ten...  I hear it's beautiful.