Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Eradicate Useless Man Boobs and Live

YAHOO!  I GOT MY VERY FIRST ACTUAL QUESTION FROM A READER!!! She e-mailed me and everything!! I'm pleased as punch. You should e-mail me too!  I wanna answer questions so I can feel superior and like people care about my opinion...

I wanna do one of those question boxes so ya'll can ask me stuff anonymously (just in case your question is embarrassing and those are the best kind) but I haven't figured it out yet.

My good friend SHELLY, whom I have never actually met in Real Life but I feel like we're tight anyway, asked the following questions:

What is your workout routine? How do you split your time between cardio and weights? Do you do low carb, high protein, or watch calories, or do you not have to watch what you eat very much?


I popped a button off my skirt.  POP!!!  It flew into the air with the greatest of ease.  It popped as a result of my daring to sit down.

It happened few weeks ago whilst I was at work.  It was a slim grey, knee length skirt with large, sassy yet professional buttons running down the left side of said skirt.  

Said skirt was a size 2.  It appears my caboose was heading for a size four without my express consent.  Chugga. Chugga. CHOO-CHOO!

I spent the entire day with my hand over my hip to hide the lack of button.  Button. Button.  Who's got the button?

I am flattered you would ask if I have to watch what I eat.  The proof is in the pudding.  I like tapioca quite a bit.  Which is why my skirt protested.

Me thinks thou dost protest too much, stupid ugly dumb moronic skirt with no stretch to speak of.  

I am a lunch mouth.  That is to say, I love to lunch.  With my mouth.  I am also a dinner mouth and a snack mouth.  I could do without breakfast which is the most important meal of the day so I force down a protein shake every morning.

I popped my skirt because I cheat far too much on the weekend.  I am well-behaved Monday-Friday until 6 pm-ish.  I'm tryin to get a handle on The Situation...  (not the dude with the weird abs from that crappy reality show, you understand... but on the matter at hand...).

John Meyer wins by a land slide, fo sho.

Being that I am a woman of the female gender, I have the tendency to grow full in the booty and thigh areas if I do not control my primal lunching urges.  

I think it's weird when you see men with flabby thighs.  It just ain't the way God intended. Only women are allowed that right in my mind.  ...I think thick muscular thighs on a man are HOT.  But saggy bottom boys ain't fittin'.  It just ain't fittin'.

I do my best to stay away from bread, chips, tortillas etc... So yeah.  Low carb.  High protein.   I eat A LOT of lean chicken breast.  I eat A LOT of egg white omelets.   Protein powder is my best pal.  I eat salad everyday.  I find great recipes in Muscle and Fitness Mag and also Oxygen mag.  But mostly the foods I prepare are simple.

I prepare lean protein in bulk so I can have it ready to when I'm starving.  Otherwise I'll shove five cookies in my mouth without skipping a beat which amount to 5,765 calories and 4 hours crying to my husband about how he can't possibly love me given the rapidly fluctuating state of my booty.  He then gives it a good sound slap and I feel better.


I lift weights like a man.  Which is not to say I grunt and jostle my gentiles between every set but that I lift as heavy as I can for 4-5 sets of whatever exercise I am doing.

I try to get to the gym 5 times per week.  I generally do 50 minutes of lifting and 30 minutes of cardio every session.

Monday:  Leg Day.  I LOVE LEG DAY! I never ever skip leg day.  Haven't skipped a leg day in 8 years. Burns the most calories and keeps metabolism revved for 48 hours.  Even if my butt is a size four rather than a two it remains a perky four and not a flabby four due to Leg Day.

Tuesday:  Shoulders. I  LOVE SHOULDER DAY!  Sculpted shoulders on a chick is SEXY!

Wed: Arms. I LOVE ARM DAY!  Arm day is important for women.  NOBODY WANTS BAT WINGS!!!  

Thursday:  Back.  I LOVE BACK DAY!  A tight back keeps the posture erect.  No saggin'.  No laggin'.  No stoopin'.  No poopin'. ?

Friday:  Chest.  Not a chest day fan. I tend to cheat and skip it a lot.   I LOVE that my man has a sexy, sizable, muscle-man chest.  Just THINKIN' about his enormous, solid pectorals gets me all hot and bothered!  WOOOO WEEEE! Men should DEFINITELY NEVER SKIP CHEST DAY!!  Man Boobs are just wrong.  They don't even LACTATE!  Useless, useless man boobs....   

I do abs three times a week.  

I hope this answered your questions, Shelly.  :)

PS Sorry about the big spacing.  I hate when it does that and I can't fix it.  Ugh!