Thursday, June 2, 2011

Poop and Bugs

*  "Kyle loves poop!"  said Niles of his fellow cub scout.

*I have changed the names of the cub scouts I took to day camp today in order that I might spare their mothers' humiliation.

"Kyle loves poop?" I egged on the insult out of sheer curiosity.

"Yes.  He loves it soooo much he eats it.  And polishes it!"

"Polishes it?"

"Yes.  Everyday Kyle eats and polishes poop."

And Kyle?  Well Kyle sat grinning from ear to ear.  He never denied the accusation.  What am I to think of that?  I never thought I'd see the day when perfectly respectable cub scouts were polishing their own poop.

I was vastly entertained by the eleven boys ( ages 8-10) I spent the day with.  I spent a lot of time listening to their banter.  I wanted to see what made them tick.

The younger boys were obsessed with bugs.

"Here.  Hold my bug," said One.

"Hold your bug?"

"Yeah.  I have to make a key chain.  Don't let him get away."

I was brave on the outside.  I was cool for My Boys.  I couldn't shriek and run like a... like a... yucky ol' GIRL! Could I?

My nail polish is chipped, so it pains me to let you see this but I doubt you would believe I held a bug unless there were proof.  Here's your proof.  I hope your happy.

I wanted to FREAK when it's creepy little limbs clung to the sensitive tips of my fingers.  I want to scream and fling the insect into space whilst screaming, "LEAVE ME BE!  YOU NASTY NASTY PARASITE!    EEEEEEEEK!"

I didn't blink.

I deserve a medal of valor.

I spent the rest of the day just hangin' around as a means of recovery.


Hee hee.  See what I did there?  I said 'hangin around' as if it were weren't literal.  But it IS literal.  It is literally literal!  I'll tell ya about it since you have a few minutes to spare...

I noticed a bar high up in the trees.  Lashed by expert Boy Scout knots and lashings.

"Hmmm.  I'm tempted to hang upside down from that pull up bar," I said.

"I'll bet it would hold ya," said a Man Scout Daddy Helper Man in a scout shirt.  He looked very official.  I put my trust in the very official.  (He later told me he got his shirt at Savers and is not a real Scout Leader.)

"What if I fall on my head and break my neck?"

"Me and [a buddy also wearing official gear] can hold up the bar just in case."

"I weigh 131 lbs.  Can you guys handle that?"

They looked offended.  How am I supposed to know what weight Man Scouts can support?  Pft!


I'm impressed with myself.  More importantly, my cubs were impressed.  And that made all the difference.

I drove the older boys home.  They included me in their candid convos.

"When do boys hit puberty?" asked One.  "Has Justin Bieber hit puberty yet?  His voice is pretty girly."

 So I learned what makes young boys tick.

Bugs.  Poop.  Puberty.

PS  Just so ya know I shot a rifle and hit the tin can on the first try!  Plus I played capture the flag and kept tricking those boys because they thought, "That old lady ain't no threat!"  But this old lady IS a threat!  you best reco'nize.  Plus I ate almost a whole bag of Doritos 'cause a gal gets hungry after all the activity.  Then I felt a little sick.  I'm fine now.