Friday, June 3, 2011

Piss Poor Mood

Hi.  How are you?  Good?  Oh that's nice.

How am I, you ask?

Well, thanks for asking.

PISSY, in a word.

PISS POOR MOOD, in three words.

Yeah.  PISS POOR!  I have no idea what the heckthat means but it feels ANGRY and OUT OF CONTROL!

It began with a tiff with Mr. Pistol last night.  Of course it was all his fault.  You KNOW how docile I am.  I have no strong opinions.  I'm a VICTIM, is what I am.  A delicate flower under the foot of Jack's angry giant.

"Blah blah blah," said Mr. Pistol.

And I was like, "I don't like your tone,"

"Blah blee bloo," he dared utter.

"BLOO?!  BLOO?! I can't believe you just said that!"

"I didn't say BLOO."

"Yes.  You did!  I just HEARD you say BLOO!"

"No.  That's not what I meant."

'Well it's what you SAID!  I work too damn hard around here for you to be BLOOIN' AND BLEEIN' at my expense!"

The battle continued this morning.

 "Why are you mad at daddy?" asked Maya.


She looked worried.

"Don't worry, honey.  Sometimes mommies and daddies get mad at each other.  But then it's OK.  Like when you and Tyson get mad and want to kill each other.  But an hour later you are taking a bubble bath together and playing with army men and Barbies in the tub.  It's like that."

"Do you and daddy play with army men in the tub?"


Speaking of tubs, I tried to take a relaxing HOT bath tonight. It usually helps to bathe when I'm in a PISS POOR mood.  I lit candles and drew water.  I prepared my reading material and fluffy towel.  I stepped in the tub and it was WARM!  THERE WAS NO HOT WATER!!!!!! ONLY WARM WATER!

If I wanted to bathe in urine temperature liquid I could have had that arranged, maybe.  I have to have my bath water scalding.  Otherwise it won't burn away my sorrows and imperfections.  I need my skin to be lobster red or else what's the point?

Could this day get ANY WORSE???

I decided to make up with the husband by taking the whole family to Dairy Queen. He likes ice cream. I asked for extra pecans in my Pecan Cluster Blizzard.  I'LL BE DARNED IF I COULD FIND EVEN THREE MISERABLE NUTS IN THE CUP!  Three nuts.  Hmph.  Like some kind of a freak show.  Three nuts! *mumble mumble*

I refused to eat the pathetic confection, which just put me back in a PISS POOR MOOD!

I went home and thought carbs might help.  I tried eating a peanut butter and jelly and banana sandwich.  Then I remembered how much it sucks to gain weight.  So I threw it in the trash.

Don't worry.  I tucked Mr. Pistol in bed.  He's snug as a bug.

Meanwhile I'm still in a PISS POOR MOOD!

But I'm fine.  Thanks for asking.

(It may have something to do with Moses turning the waters of the Nile to blood, if you know what I mean...  Get it?  I'm talking about The Red Sea of Menstruation.  Nuff said. But don't mention that to my husband 'cause then he'll think he's not at fault.  And I can't have that.  The man is ALWAYS wrong.  Period.)

PS  Tomorrow is cleaning day at the office.  The cleaning lady went back to Mexico.  So now we scrub the office.  It's OK though.  I much prefer scrubbing toilets and mopping floors to talking money and appliance packages and base boards.

Here's me last Office Cleaning Day wearing a black yoga skirt and a fake grin.