They peacock in big offices. Pop laxatives. Wear $2000 knee socks. Discuss my Future.
"What ridiculous idea can we come up with that Crystal will BUY? How can we make her look imbecilic while collecting her children's college funds?"
They cackle mercilessly and brainstorm.
"Color block! Yes! That's the ticket! We will convince Crystal and her mindless peers that Orange Pants are the New Black. We will place a mist of darkness upon them and they will not be able to decipher Truth from Error!"
Well! I have NEWS for you, Fashion People!
I will NOT subject myself to this Madness! I will not allow Orange Fabric to adorn my buttocks in such a way that they defy the brightness of The Sun!
I will NOT wear BLINDING shades of yellow, pink and green in the form a frumpy dress that ADDS inches to my already voluptuous hips!
Can you SEE how all the models pictured look angry? This is a misunderstanding. They are not angry. They are WEAK. From hunger and over-exertion. I imagine they must have to jump around in the shower just to get wet. Exhausting.
Of course this is just Jealousy rearing her ugly head. I WISH I slipped through the cracks in the sidewalk. Sexy.
Those Fashion Foes sat and thought, "Feathers! Yes! Why didn't we think of this BEFORE! Crystal will be The Ultimate Turkey in Feathers."
Fools! I would NEVER...
Wait.
Feathers are from nature. And when I am not wearing fur I am very serious advocate. So this trend is actually helping The Environment!
Green. That's what I am. A green machine.
The green feathers I had glued into my hair last week are not actually natural, per se. They are a TRIBUTE you understand. To all winged creatures. Red Cardinals are my favorite. They bring me luck.
Look how cute he is!! Doesn't it just make you want to pluck off a tail feather and glue it in your hair??? Soooo natural and organic.
My green feathers are pretty awesome 'cause I can wash my hair and blow dry and flat iron naturally! I can run 13 miles, as the crow flies, and they stay in place. SUPER RAD!
The feathers that hang from my ears remind me of the inspirational lyrics sung by douchebag, R. Kelly: "I believe I can fly."
Thank you for reading, dear friends. I want you to know YOU are the wind beneath my wings.
PS I am driving to Vegas today. To see my sis. And run a Half on Saturday. I am not very fast. I'm downright sloooowwww. But in the long run, no one likes fast girls. ;)
