Thursday, March 3, 2011
No Booty Calls at BYU, Balla! Duh.
A dude got kicked off the BYU Basketball team for having PREMARITAL SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!
I feel so badly for him!! Don't worry, buddy. When you marry her she'll stop putting out and you'll be glad you got some while you could.
OH MY GOODNESS! I can't believe I just wrote that! How completely inappropriate! Where is my head?? I PUBLICLY apologize. Sex before is marriage is WRONG.
Seriously. We are not animals! Just because 97% of the world is slutty doesn't make it right!
I went to BYU.
I had to stand before the Honor Code Gestapo a couple times for far lesser crimes than a booty call. I was not kicked out by the skin of my teeth.
I was asked to a dance by an enormous dork with a big toothy grin. He was all, "HI. I'M CHEERFUL AND I HAVE A BIG TOOTHY GRIN!"
He made sure to be safe and never be alone with me on our date. Good idea. He could tell I was T-R-O-U-B-L-E. He was concerned I might jump his angelic bones. We went on a group date with an enormous collection of OTHER dorks with equally enormous toothy grins.
I had to be all meek and mild and LAME just to fit in! I laughed softly and said things like, "Oh my HECK!"
People in Utah actually say that regularly. I wish I were kidding.
Don't worry I got them back! And HOW!
I wore a dress with *gasp* LACE SLEEVES so my SHOULDERS were visible THROUGH THE LACE!
I was not allowed to go into the dance. I was stopped at the door. Turned out into the cold to face my toothy date and his doofy friends.
It was not a little awkward.
Captain Smiley was completely embarrassed. He had asked a WHORE to the dance. A red-lipped Jezebel in taunting lace.
He was Joseph with Potiphar's wife. He ran from me and never turned back.
Smiley didn't ask me out again. I was a little hurt because I was hoping to show him my ankles on our second date. RATS! GOSH DARN IT TO HECK!
I came to understand those Saber-Toothed Mormons were always grinning because they had nothing to feel guilty about! Imagine THAT!
On a different occasion my roommate narked on me just because I let a boy sleep in our house! And not even in my room!
I TOTALLY made out with that boy for hours and hours BUT THAT'S IT... sort of! Then I married him.
I had to stand before a commitee of somber men in suits and tell them it was all was well in Zion. I was now hitched and working on multiplying and replenishing the Earth.
They let me graduate. Phew!
The culture at BYU is admittedly strange.
I had a roommate who made boys insane because she wouldn't even KISS them until they had been dating for MONTHS. They to loved it. It seems anticipation and unrequited desire make life exciting.
I had roommates who were still virgins at the age of 27! Not kidding.
We Mormons have high standards. Those standards are fiercely enforced at BYU. You gotta sign stuff and go through various interviews promising you'll follow the rules OR ELSE. In other words, you know what you're getting into when you apply.
As tough as the rules may be, however, my BYU experience was THE BEST experience of my life. Clean (for the most part ;). Happy. Smart. Sober. I feel that I achieved something great by excelling at a prestigious University with daunting standards. (I sometimes lied about my keeping said standards, but I tried....)
I feel bad for the dude who hooked up and got kicked out. He's just a normal guy. Honest about his lack of physical control. But he opted to play ball for a school that stands for something. Truth. Righteousness. Chastity Belts. And Orthodontistry.
HOORAY FOR THE GUILT-FREE TOOTHY GRIN!
Remember ya'll: Wickedness never was happiness.