Thursday, March 17, 2011

Green Pork Chops

You don't get to graduate from pinching.  Not in MY book.

I armed my kids in green from head to toe.  I put green food coloring in their milk for breakfast.  I made green eggs and ham.

I oft came unprepared to school on Green Day.  I was pinched. 

"AHAHAAA! YOU'RE not wearing GREEN!" the children would taunt.   "Hey everybody!  Crystal Pistol is not wearing green!"

I would stare longingly at their attire and was Green with envy.

Then they would attack.  Swarming me.  Pinching. Pinching. Always pinching.

I put grass in my hair and said, "See?  I'm wearing green!"

"That doesn't count!  Crystal pistol! Crystal Pistol!  Crystal Pistol!"

They thought they were insulting me with that rhyme.  Little did they know I'd become an obscure blogger using it as my nom de plum and never become rich or famous.  Fools!  THEY PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS!

Today I went to Wal*Mart.  There were people everywhere NOT WEARING GREEN!

Can you BELIEVE the lack of enthusiasm it must take to wake up and KNOW it's Green Day and just CHOOSE to not dress accordingly.  Mind boggling.

I felt they should be punished.

I began pinching.  I pinched at random.

I pinched an old man with a walker.  Right on his ancient buttock.  He smiled a toothless smile and thanked me. 

"You're welcome."

I pinched a large lady in the ice cream isle on her chubby cheek.

She startled.  Dropped her Rocky Road.

"Happy Green day!" I shouted as I ran away.

I pinched a teenaged boy on the arm.

He stared at me.

I stared back.

"You're not wearing green," I said.


"So it's green day."

"You're lame.  And old."

"I know you are but what am I?"

I think I won the exchange.

You best wear your Green cuz I'm comin' after ya, sucka! 

PS  Half of this post is a huge lie.  My kids had chocolate protein drinks for breakfast.  I have no idea what they wore to school becuase I was too bleary eyed to care when i dropped them off this morning.  They will surely be pinched and blame me for my negligence.  I am wearing a floor length black skirt with a black top.  The picture above was taken on Sunday.  I was making pork chops.  I think pinching people is stupid.  Those kids totally traumatized me when I was little. I doubt I'll ever recover.  I can't even get drunk on Green beer to wallow in my pain because I'm Mormon. 

Happy Freakin' St. Patrick's Day.