Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Get Thee to a Nunnery

She is the Real Deal.  A similar Vintage Chanel can be purchased online for $3,387.99.  I paid $35.00.  I have tags of authenticity and everything. 

When I realized I would be the proud owner of this classic gem I SHOUTED for joy.  I threw care to the wind.  Let them stare!  Let them gawk!  Let them urinate with envy!

Do you ever urinate with envy?  I don't.  But I hear as you get older you sometimes can't help it.

When I brought the bag home my husband was slightly jealous of my love for my new friend.

"How MUCH do you love that bag?" he asked.

"Only slightly less than I love you.  If the bag had a weiner it would be a tie," said I.

I whispered sweet nothings to Chanel.  She whispered back.

"Tell me your story, sweet magical holder of lipstick and tampons," I said.  "Who in her right mind would give you up?"

"Monica.  She was in Love with two circus performers," whispered Chanel.

"I should have known Love would be the only force strong enough to make a woman part with a treasure such as you.  Who were these circus performers?"

"Brothers.  Mario and Dario.  Italian trapeze artists.  Monica loved to watch them in their white leotards as they swung two and fro.  And fro and two.  She was mesmerized and memorized.

The brothers two fell in Love with Monica.  They competed for her Love in the most dangerous manners. 

'Watch as I shall stick my head into the mouth of a lion for you, Amore,' said Mario.

'Now witness as I swallow three swords for thy Love, Fair maiden,' said Dario.

They took turns peforming spectacular feats of daring Do.  One farted flames of fire.  Then the other dove from the highest height into a tiny glass with mearly a splash.

Monica was beside herself with Love.

She took each into her bedroom at night to decipher the better Lover.  She could never decide.

Mario's kisses were delicious and warm on her tongue like melted carmel. 'I love to taste your sweet mouth,' she would murmur.

Dario's gentle carresses made her drunk with passion.  Blind with desire.  'I cannot resist your touch.  I burn for More,' she would gasp. 

She made Love to one and then the other night after night and could not decide.

They began to bring her gifts, which she readily accepted. But still she was no closer to a decision.

One day Mario presented her with Me.  A genuine Chanel he had stolen from the arm a rich woman with a poodle in an elevator.

'OH! Mario!  You CLEARLY understand the heart of a gentle woman,' exclaimed Monica.  'I shall be your wife!'

'WIFE?' laughed Mario.  'I have no intention of marrying you!  You are a slut of little value.  I only wished to beat my brother in our battle for your affections. I have won!'

She immediatly ran to Dario.

'OH, Dario!  Mi amore!  I wish to bare your children and be with you forvever!' she exclaimed.

'My children?!  Ha!  My children shall have a virtuous Lady as their mother.  You, my tasty Tart, are no Lady.'

Monica was heartbroken.

She sold her beautiful Chanel and traveled to Rome where she joined a convent.  She is now referred to as Sister Monica."

"That's quite a story, Chanel!  I am so grateful for having found you.  We will be together Forever... unless of course I find something cuter and decide to sell you off... as I always say....Fickle, fickle, who wants a pickle?... actually I never say that, but it's catchy."