Thursday, February 10, 2011

Jealous Man. Sexy Man.

Jealous men are sexy.

My own personal man is a hot-blooded crazy jealous type of guy.

I'm not gonna lie.  It's Sexy. Gets my engine runnin, if you knowz what I mean!  Vroom vroom! ;)

We went to dinner recently and a dude (who had not noticed my enormous, power lifting husband) undressed me with his drunken eyes as I walked by.  (I ignored him completely, of course.)

My husband became ENRAGED.  Red faced, he lunged at the stupid man with his finger pointed directly between his eyes.

Scary.  To say the least.  The man poo-ed himself.

I quickly used my seductive feminine powers to soothe and contain my Sexy Neanderthal. 

He then clubbed me over the head and dragged me back to his cave.  I liked it.

THIS weekend we went to dinner and our young, 20-something year old waiter smiled at me with too much enthusiasm.  My husband looked at him with death in his eyes.  The waiter pissed himself and burst into tears.

Mr. Pistol said, "If he looks at you like that again I'll punch him in the face!"

They established a pecker order.

There was a Man-Code exchange that took place.  I don't speak that language.  No words were uttered but Mr. Waiter wouldn't even GLANCE at me after the initial toothy grin.  He was obviously scared for his life.

I pretended to be upset by Mr. Pistol's fit of jealousy, but the thought of him defending my honor with the scumbag in Story A turns me on and on.  

Girly men don't do it for me. I WANT PASSION!  HEAT!  STRANGULATION, if need be!  I don't want to wear the pants.  I enjoy pretending I'm meek and silly and semi-stupid and he's the big, strong man come to rescue me!  *swoons* "My hero!"

On the flipside, I am NOT a jealous person.  I never nag.  I never demand to know where he's been.  I don't check his phone or e-mails.  If a girl smiles at him I pull her hair and knee her in the face, but that's it.  I'm very mellow and sweet 87% of the time.  (You dont wanna cross me the other 13%.)

Today I discussed this issue with my brother, Joe.

"You should act jealous," he said.

"But I'm NOT.  I thought men liked women who were drama free!  I just want peace.  Other women just don't intimidate me,"  said I.

"It would make him feel good if you acted crazy and jealous sometimes," he said.


So my plan is to make a scene everytime he comes home 5 minutes late.

When he gets home from work I'm gonna throw a glass at the wall and scream,

"Who is she?!  What's the tramp's name?"

Then he will look confused and terrified and say, "What are you talking about?"

I will continue throwing breakables and carrying on until he convinces me there are no shenanigans.

Then he will KNOW how much I love him!

I can't wait.

So what's your stance on jealousy?  Do you wish your significant other would settle down or act up?

Does your woman throw things when she's pissed?  Do you secretly love it?

Is your man too mellow when random strangers goose your plump backside? 

Speaking of backsides:
tonight my man said, "Your butt is big in a good way.  Its all round and not saggy.  and you have a small waist.  I love your curves."

I am trying not to go all psycho femme and obsess over whether my ass is TOO big.  It will be a struggle tomorrow not to starve myself as a result of his well-intentioned compliment...

I can never decide if I want to be thick like Sofia Vergara

or tight like Cameron Diaz...

It's a tough call in my head.  whadda you think? one option requires cutting back on cookies and burritos and excercising like a feind. 
The other... requires great genetics and an extremely supportive bra.... What to do... What to do... I really dont know.  for reals.  which look i prefer for myself...

What about for you?  What celebrity body do you covet?