Saturday, February 5, 2011

Capgras: When The Gras Is Greener

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind."  Shakespeare.

Have you ever heard of Capgras Syndrome?

Emily owned this coat before me.  Her husband, Edward, ran her over with his car.  (Not while wearing the coat, of course.  It would be ridiculous if Edward wore this coat!)

Emily deserved it.

When she married her husband he was a pathetic excuse for a man.  Skinny.  Sallow.  Mallow.  Yallow.  Coward of the County.

He cowed to Emily. 

Emily was a Bull.  She enjoyed torturing Edward very much.  She saw red at the slightest provocation.

He called her Dear and Darling and Sweetness and Sugar Puss.  He loved her with all the fervor of his sorry yallow soul.

Emily demanded he scrub and re-scrub the shower 3 times in succession at very least.  He also rubbed her feet before bed every night and waxed her armpits weakly.

"Are you good at NOTHING?" she would scowl. 

He was an accountant by trade.

"You're a no account loser!" Emily reminded him daily. 

She was never satisfied physically.

"A Eunich could better satisfy me than you.  GET OFF!"

He couldn't.  He tried until he was blue in the... face. 

"Why can't you be a man?" she said daily.

One day she forced him to re-scrub the shower 5 times in a row.  The chemicals were too much for poor Edward.  He was driven mad. 

Capgras Syndrome is a rare disorder in which people come to believe that those close to them have been replaced with exact duplicates.   Clones or dopplegangers.  This unbased realization is often met with rage and fear.

Edward came out of that shower a new man.

"Well, you good for nothing waste of space, I guess you can take me to the market now," said Emily.

But Edward knew it wasn't Emily.  It was Emily's clone.  She looked like Emily.  Smelled like Emily.  Sounded like Emily.  But it wasn't Emily.

Edward loved Emily.  She was the love of his life!  And now her evil twin had the nerve to pose as his wife!


He kept these things in his heart as he drove her to the market.

Emily belittled him without stopping for breath.

My Emily would not approve of this imposter in my car, he thought.  What would Emily want me to do with this shrew?

Then it hit him.  Do in the shrew.  Do in the shrew.  Do in...

Emily interrupted his thoughts.

"Drop me off.  When you see me at the curb don't you dare make me wait, Edward," she bullied.   

 "Alright, My Queen,"  he said with a sly smile.

"And wipe that stupid smile off your face!  You look like a drooling imbecile," she said.

When she had done her shopping Edward was ready.  He knew his lovely Emily would approve.  He lived to service her.

He saw The Heifer at the curb and gunned it.  Smashed her flat.  Backed up.  And gunned it again.  Just for good measure.  Half a cup or so.

"How now brown Cow?" he laughed.  "Yes.  Yes.  How now brown Cow?"

How now, indeed.

Edward is safe and warm at the proper facilities.

The End.

   On a personnel note:

No animals were harmed in the making of this coat.  Faux.  Sorta smelly 'cause it's Vintage.  I don't mind.

I went to a teen ager movie tonight.  Called The Roommate.  I dont watch rated R movies because it puts things in my head like strong language and violence and partial nudity.  witch is WRONG.

so i watch pg-13 and when Dottie asks me to go see Black Swan with my friends i am very righteous and stay home and she goes without me.

So instead i go to see a lot of teens flicks.  and the hole theatre is full with teens and they are making out in the seat next to me, witch undulates my pure mind.

mormons are very clean and uplifting.  so i am behaving myself so i can uplift my readers... that's you.  have i suck seeded?   faith is like a mustard seed, ya know.  are you uplifted by my knew clean mind?

I'd really like to no.