Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tight Ship

Now that I'm a working mom with a REAL LIVE JOB that my parent's gave me that I go to twice a week, things are hectic.

I run a tight ship around these here parts.  A well-oiled machine.  Homework is done on time.  Dinner is hot when Mr. Pistol walks through the door.  House is squeaky clean down to the last ceiling fan and fire alarm.  Teeth are brushed morning and night...


Why oh why do my children insist on trying to LIE to me about their teeth?? 
"Have you brushed your teeth?"  I ask. 
"Uhhh yeah," says my shifty-eyed boy. 
"Are you telling the truth?" I ask, knowing he lies through his plaque-ridden, unbrushed teeth.
"I THINK I did...".
"Do you REALLY think you did?"
We go back and forth until I wear him down. 
"NO!  I did NOT brush my teeth!!" he cries in anguish.  "How do you ALWAYS know?!"
"Because I am magical.  I can read your mind.  And don't you ever forget it!"

I then brush his teeth thoroughly myself with a bad attitude.

We do this song and dance EVERY NIGHT! I fear the child will grow to be an uneducated, toothless hillbilly if he continues on this path...


My house is ship shape!  I take a toothbrush to the crevices of the dishwasher.  You could verily eat off of my toilets with little to no fear of contracting the E. coli virus. 

I mean, I would never eat off the toilet, myself,  but I have no objection to YOU do so.  It's a free country.  If you want to eat off my toilet far be it for me to stop you! 

Working two whole days a week at my REAL LIVE JOB is cramping my style a bit. 

There is dirty laundry in hampers that are usually emptied before dirty laundry hits the bottom and undisclosed orange splatters in my microwave.  There are even *gasp* traces of fecal matter in the potty.  (Shocking, I know.)

Whatever shall I do???  I NEEEED MY REAL LIVE JOB!  (I seriously do.  Feeding a family of 6 is crazy expensive.  Also expensive?  Pedicures. Total necessity!  ...Just kidding about the pedi's... Oh how wish someone would scrub my feet and control my cuticles for FREE....)


I am loathe to lower my standards of cleanliness, frequency of blogging, distance of jogging or hours of working, so I've decided to start drinking several energy drinks starting at 10pm.  I'll have the wherewithal to to it ALL!  I'll sleep when I die. 

In addition, Maya has begun to guilt me daily about how often I am away.

Tonight she cried as I tucked her in bed.

"But Mama!  I MISS you so much when you are gone.  I'm afraid you'll never come back.  Daddy is supposed to be at work and YOU are supposed to take care of ME!"

I hugged her.  I kissed and nuzzled her tiny face.  I rubbed her little foot.

"Mama, remember when you showed me those pictures of Chinese foot binding?  Where they break the bones and fold the foot under?" 

"Yes, my Love.  And I promise never to do it to YOU," I said.

Random but true. 

I'm a really good mom.