Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sugar Is A Drug
IT'S CHRISTMAS VACATION!
This is the time of year I Serve my Fellow Man, Spend Quality Time With Family and sleep in 'til noon whilst the kiddies fend for themselves!
OH YEAH, BABY! You heard me.
When those sweet little tikes come a'runnin' in my room and say,
"What's for breakfast, Mama?"
I respond with... "brughui SNAPPY shnog fasp..."
Then they say, "YAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! MOM SAYS IF WE LET HER SLEEP FOR A FEW MORE HOURS SHE'LL TAKE US TO A MOVIE!!!!!"
I later find they ransacked the pantry and ate powdered sugar and canned corn for breakfast. It's cool. They like it.
(They actually pour themselves a bowl of cereal but I prefer lying to you... It's far more entertaining than the boring ol' truth.)
I celebrated the start of Christmas Vaca tonight with socks, sugar and a plethora of children that did not belong to me.
When I wear my special Christmas Elf Socks I LOSE CONTROL! The spirit of Elf-dom ransacks my phsyche and suddenly COOKIES ARE A FOOD GROUP!
I ate 100 cookies of my own creation. I ate the dough until vertigo. Then I devoured snickerdoodles until my senses left me completely.
I shouted things like, "THE SOCKS ARE IN CONTROL! THE SOCKS ARE IN CONTROL!"
I did a wild jig with flailing arms and legs.
Then I shouted, "MY LEGS ARE FREAKISHLY LONG AND MY FEET ARE ENORMOUS! HOLY MOSES! WHAT IS ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT? IS THAT POOP?! DID ONE OF YOU KIDS POOP ON MY FLOOR?! WAS IT YOU?!"
I forced the children that did not belong to me to dance my wild jig. They were terrified and tried to no avail to escape.
I continued shouting.
"SNICKERDOODLES ARE MY FAVORITE! OH YES! THEY REALLY REALLY ARE! they are SNICKER-DOODL-Y! AWWW YEAHHHH!"
When the rhymes began I knew there was no turning back...
"sugar is my favorite DRUG! got to find some milk to CHUG!...
cookies are my fav'rite TREAT... milk comes from a heifer's TEAT..."
Sugar is a drug.
I'd go so far as to say Sugar is my Mormon Crack.
It's a trip, man.
Happy Holidays and...
Proceed With Caution.