Sunday, December 19, 2010

Dear Santa,

First off, Santa, I'm a HUGE fan of your work.  You really won me over with that red 10-speed bike when I was 9.  (It got stolen out of my carport later that day given I lived on the rough part of town... but I know you meant for me to have it. Thanks. I only cried for weeks. I'm fine now.)

Look,  I'm having a slight problem with my 10 year old regarding YOU.

Bella seems to think you are creepy stalker.

The whole, "I know when you are sleeping.  I know when you're awake.  I know if you've been bad or good..." well, it just doesn't sit well with her.  (She's a thinker.)

Don't worry.  I've explained that stalkers who bring expensive gifts in exchange for good behavior is totally acceptable! 

She's not buying it.

I just thought you should be aware we have a doubter on our hands.  If you could have Prancer stomp around extra hard on the roof Christmas Eve I'd be grateful.

Here's the part where I tell you what  I want for Christmas...

I know I'm a naughty girl sometimes but... sometimes I'm very very GOOD too!

As you know, I lost my cleaning ladies this year. I I also lost my manicurist, pedicurist, facialist and all my good, true friends at Anthropologie and Nordstrom.

It's been tough.  I've been through the wringer!  True tragedy has struck!

I'll just lay it out.

I want one of your Christmas Elves.

You have so many!  I'm sure you could spare just ONE!  They are tireless little workers.

My limbs are WAY too long to be cleaning toilets!  Plus I'm far too pretty for manual labor!  Scrubbing my own feet is GROSS.  

An Elf is the perfect height for toilet cleaning and feet scrubbing!  

I am too precious and attractive and special to be so exhausted all the time! 

I think I have earned my Elf seeing as I birthed 4 new adoring people for your fan club.



PS  No offense, but I think you should lose a couple of L.B.s for Mrs. Claus' sake.  Bellies like a bowl full of jelly are just not that sexy.  You can't let yourself go and expect her to chase you around the Magic Sleigh like she used to... I'm just sayin'...

PSS  Oh!  And Frosty the Snowman told me to tell you he hates your Reindeer.  They are very aggressive and charge at him in an effort to devour his carrot nose. Frosty has confided he is taking anti-anxiety meds as a direct result.

Dear My Readers,

I feel as though I've been neglecting you a bit.  I haven't been posting every single day as per my usual OCD self...  needless to say I have been busy with Christmas kiddie stuff and fall asleep against my will at the oddest of times and places... (Think Sears hardware dept at noon.)

Tonight my family and some friends fulfilled our Holiday tradition of going to Winter Haven, which is a community in Tucson where the fine folks who live in those houses must BY LAW decorate their home with Christmas lights and compete against each other for awards and prizes.

Scads of folks litter the quaint streets of Winter Haven during The Holiday, making it impossible for the owners of these homes to enter or leave for fear of killing a random Christmas Light Admirer.

As one of those random Christmas Light Admirers I must eloquently say, "It's a lot of fun."

Some people sing Carols as they walk... It's delightful!  (And by some people I mean ME. Nobody else.  Just ME.  I sing Christmas Carols and dance around to get people in the Holiday Spirit and also because I am over-caffinated.)

One young girl said to me,

"You should be on TV and be FAMOUS so you could sing and dance and make people HAPPY!"

That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  Thanks, girl whose name I do not know.  

The highlight of the evening, however, was the Port-O-Potty.  We spent a great deal of time awaiting our turn outside that all-important edifice.

I enjoyed taking pictures of our kids exiting The John, so as to humialiate them. 

I, myself, also took advantage of The Potty and was terrified someone would knock it over as a joke.  I have never peed so fast in my lifetime.

Merry Christmas!