Sunday, December 12, 2010

Poverty Is The New Black

Have you heard the news?!

VOGUE HAS OFFICIALLY DECLARED POVERTY AS THE NEW BLACK!  Generally the chic saunter up and down the runway wearing upscale black regalia.  NOW the Hip and In will celebrate cheap weaves and pleather! Supermodels will EAT from the McDonald's Dollar Menu and do their own make-up. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, FOLKS! 

It is not COOL to have MONEY anymore!

I'm really grateful to have discovered/invented this gem of knowledge.  All I care about in life is BEING COOL! 

I want to be chic and sexy and economical!

Two years ago I regularly had Tara glue the hair of unfortunate asian women on my head.  I paid $700 every two months for this service.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Crystal Pistol is dumber than a box o rocks!"  What you SHOULD be thinking is, "Crystal Pistol is COOLER than a box o rocks!"

EXTENSIONS AND FRIVOLITY WERE CHIC THEN! I was a cool kid THEN, and I'm a cool kid NOW. 

I have adapted to my environment.  Ever heard of Darwin?  Evolution?  Survival of the Fittest?   Well, my friends,  THAT is what I'm doing.  I'm evolving into a somewhat less ridiculous human being.  SOMEWHAT.

In addition to extensions I never did my own pedicures, manicures, facials or toilet cleanings.  I hired brown people of all walks of life to these things FOR me.  I WAS THE HIPPEST CAT IN TOWN, FO SHO.  MEOW, BABY.

NOW, however, I have come to understand money is frowned upon! Food stamps are IN! BOTOX IS OUT!  DIY IS IN!  PERSONAL SLAVES ARE OUT! 

I am making the appropriate adjustments.

Last night I went to Tara's house (check out her sweet tat) to get my hair did.  I am so freakin cool, I haven't had the funds to get a cut in over 6 months!  Jealous?  Huh?  You jell-o?

I paid Tara $50 for a cut.  Then I painted my very own toenails and fingers...  Knuckle to nail... (I think coloring outside the lines is far more creative.  Also, I have a hard time sitting still that long.)  I also did Tara's nails.

Then she said,

"Let's go to Circle K and get free ice.  My ice machine is broken."

So I responded with,

"Hey!  MY ice machine is broken too!  We NEVER have ice!"

Then we talked about all the things in our houses and lives that are broken.  We verily BRAGGED about the broken and the broke.

It was great fun.  AND COOL!

Tara and I USED to discuss high fashion and expensive hair and facial products.  NOW we talk about things of substance, like spiritual enlightenment and our horoscopes.

The leggings I am wearing in the above pics were $10 at Target.  The top was another $8.  The boots I purchased last October in Times Square in New York and were very pricey, but I'm going to lie to you...  Ahem... I found the boots in a dumpster.

I seriously can't abide how COOL I am.  Hop on my bandwagon.  Let's CELEBRATE!  Mormons can drink a soothing glass of milk.  The rest of you hook up with a box of wine.

Let's have a toast, shall we?

To the new black!