Saturday, November 20, 2010


"Ummm... hello?  Death?" said Lori on the phone this morning.

"No.  It's Crystal.  Not Death"  said I.

It took me several minutes to convince her I was not, in fact, The Grim Reaper paying her a call. 

I sound really super SEX-AY right now.  I sound EXACTLY like an 85-year-old smoker who may or may not be a woman.  I have that raspy, raw quality to my voice that boasts decades of chain smoking.  I even have a hacking cough that threatens to release one of my shriveled, black lungs any given moment.  (Don't worry.  I'd just swallow it back down.  Slippery lil suckers, Lungs.)


I suffer from very serious cold/flu symptoms such as chills, sore throat, pizza cravings, fever, cough, sniffy nose, achy everything, and HALLUCINATIONS.

YES!  I get to see things that aren't even THERE!  ...Without the use of illegal drugs! 

Today I napped and awoke to find myself in a cage.  Men with big yellow teeth were poking sticks at me through the bars of my cage.  They would laugh real loud and say, "FREAK GIRL.  HEY FREAK GIRL!"


Then I napped and dreamed the teachers at the elementary school had gone bananas and were holding all the children hostage with machine guns until they got pay raises. Don't worry.  I snuck in a took them all out with my ninja skills.  ??????

I am trying to combat the madness by sucking down vast amounts of over-the-counter meds.

I "lost" the little cup that measures out the appropriate dosage of Nyquil.  And by "lost" I mean I threw it away.

Dosage cups are for light weights.

I wish there was a way to express to you in words just how miserable I feel.  But even I, with all my fancy adjectives and verbs and dangling participles, cannot accurately share my pain.

The following pictures are worth a thousand words.  I'll warn you in advance.  I LOOK HOT!  Enjoy.

That pretty much sums it up. I feel like crap.  *cough-cough-hack-wheeze-cough*

I showed my husband these pics, which he took.  I said, "You should leave me based on these pictures alone.  I'D leave me over these pics!"

He chuckled and shook his head.  (He shakes his head at me a lot.  I'm pretty silly)

So, what kind of home-remedies do YOU do to feel better when you're a sick-o?

PS  Please excuse the roll of potty paper.  I am not fancy enough to afford a box of tissues.  But I remember when I WAS fancy I enjoyed the tissues with lotion built right in to stave off chapped noses.  Genuis invention, those lotion tissues.