Monday, November 29, 2010

Crystal Confection

I'm smelling myself.  I am so pleased with the result!  Everywhere I went today people sniffed the air and became simply DRUNK with the essence of ME.

I have been shrunk to delicious fairy size.  I am lost in the Candy Cane Forrest but I don't give a FIG!  No figs at all.  I am so intoxicated with my own scent I have no desire to return to wherever it is I previously lived.

I am Princess Lolly skipping about The Land of Candy with no care in the world.  Lolly-pop-lolly-pop-OH- lolly-lolly-lolly...POP!

I am Queen Frostine breaking the tender hearts of Gingerbread Men the game board over!  Cold hands.  Warm heart.  Sugar snow flakes and diamond dreams.

Every Christmas I don we now our gay apparel!  Fa-la-la-la-la blah blah blah... 

K.  No.  I don't don gay apparel.

I deck my flesh with Peppermint lotion... la-la-la-la-LAAAAAAA-la-la-la-la...   Whoever came up with the lyrics to that jam is a freakin' genius!  FA and LA totally rhyme!

Purchasing these three products is an extravagance I can't afford... NOT TO INDULGE!!! 

I mean, sure.  I will have to tell my children Santa won't be coming this year, but doesn't Mommy smell nice?...  but THAT, my friends, is called SACRIFICE.  Look it up.

How could I possibly laugh in the face of tried and true TRADITION?!  Nay.  No.  Nay.  It was my civic DUTY to make this purchase.  By doing so I have made the world a far better place to live! 

I have no idea what "they" put in this lotion, body spray and shimmer lipgloss but when I slather it on my mouth and body I LITERALLY feel TINGLY all over.  I feel energized yet soothed.  Excited yet calm.  Passionate yet... I don't know what the opposite of passionate is...

I imagine one of the main ingredients of Peppermint Twist Product is found in the placenta of magical Christmas Elves from the North Pole.  A representative from Bath and Body Works paces the floor of St. Santa Claus Hospital eagerly awaiting the birth of a perfect, healthy placenta... The attatched baby elf is given a life time supply of Joy in return for his contribution.  (Bath and Body Works Inc is  extremely Generous.  Joy is hard to come by.)

I conducted an experiment tonight.  I slathered lotion all over my person.  I carefully applied gobs of gloss to my mouth.  I sat on my husband's lap.  I wanted to see if he would notice anything different about me. 

You can imagine what happened next! *wink*

That's right!!

He completely ignored me and kept watching football.

Just kidding!  He noticed, of course!

He ALWAYS notices when I smell like I've been spending money... 

Kidding again, ya'll!


"Mmmmm... smell good..." he said in true man's man fashion.

He joined me on my adventure in Candy Land.  He jumped ahead several colorful squares and became Lord Licorice and Kandy King.  I KNEW he could not resist the power of Crystal Confection!

Good Golly Sweet Lolly!  I am so excited about my delectable fragrance I may not sleep tonight!  I may hike Gumdrop Mountain and take a swim in Chocolate Lake.  Join me!  Let's revel in the scent of ME, shall we? 

(Ugh!  I'm dying to write, "smell my candy ass"  but that would be wrong.  So I won't.)

PS These Bath and Body people should SERIOUSLY be paying me!