Sunday, November 28, 2010

Chee-chees and Pinatas

Jessica squeezed my left breast and said, "Evita wants to know what kind of milk you're packin' in those chee-chees of yours.  They look delicious!"

"I dispense high quality Muscle Milk," I said.  "Great source of protein."

I breathed a sigh of relief as we laughed.

Then my Tia Letty came and pulled my shirt down leaving little to the imagination.

"Crystal has nice, sexy chee-chees, just like me!"  she said.  Then she did a little Mexi-dance to prove her point.

 Letty is one of the sexiest women I have ever met and one of my top 8 favorite people.  She is passionate and loud and crazy and men LOVE her.  She tells the filthiest jokes you have ever heard and will KILL for the people she loves. (She once tried to run over her daughter's boyfriend for breaking her heart...  The boyfriend married Jessica... Smart move.)  Now Letty is grandmother to one year old, Evita.

Letty lived with me in Germany when I was little and has always looked out for me.  I love her so much it hurts!

THIS is what I have been needing!  THIS is what I have been missing! 

I NEEDED my cousin to grab my boob and my aunt to expose me in public. I NEEDED my male cousins and uncles to roll their eyes at these NORMAL behaviors.  These experiences remind me of the importance of FAMILY.  My family.

When I was 16 and lil cousin Jessica was 3, I would sleep at her house.  My aunt Letty was delighted I would take bubble baths with the door open so Jessica could wander in and out of the bathtub if she chose and fill it with toys.  Now Jess feels comfortable handling me and I handle her right back.  THIS is what FAMILY is all about!
There is no P.C. to worry my pretty lil head about!  I can exhale and encourage my children to find pleasure in the violent sport of Pinata Destruction.

"Have you ever noticed how it's always the little white kids on America's Funniest Home Video that get hurt when they have pinata at their parties?  They don't know all the little rules...  The little white kids are always getting hit with sticks..."  said my other aunt, Veronica.

"So TRUE!"  I replied.

You see?  No P.C. worries!  She said "little white kid" and no one convulsed with indignation.  Imagine THAT!

I have seen little white kids break down in tears at the sight of Life-Size-Cinderella-Pinata getting her face smashed to bits by a festively decorated baseball bat. 

I have also seen little (inexperienced) white Daddy's get their balls smashed by rampant pinata sticks.  Entertainment for the WHOLE family to enjoy!

My own personal little white kids know to RESPECT The Game.  There is a certain reverence involved in smashing The Little Mermaid to smithereens.  They know to hold the stick with both hands, back away from a blind folded player, and dive head first into the dirt at the first sign of candy.

I was pleased to note The Little Mermaid pinata was Latina, as she had voluptuous hips and ample bosoms.  She danced through the air and shook her caderas in the way only Latina women can.  I was pleased my son got to see her performance before she exploded into a thousand pieces at the hand of Cuzzy Big Rok.

I felt blissfully FREE today.  I said whatever the hell I wanted and no one gasped.  No one said I was inappropriate, crass or self-absorbed.  I can breathe again!

Happy Birthday, Evita!