Don't look up FLANGE in the Urban dictionary. I looked it up today and was surprised. Oh my. I had no idea there were so many colorful synonyms for female genitalia.
I thought I spoke English well. Guess not. Seems there is a whole exciting world full of terminology I will never master... People are creative... and NASTY.
Unrelated Subject (sorta):
I NEED CASH.
My oldest is turning 12 in two weeks and has insisted all she wants for her b-day is a pink, engraved I-Pod Touch.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST?!
*breaths into a paper bag with head between knees*
I'm fine.
Anything for my babies.
See how blissfully oblivious she is?
Today I got all dressed up. I wore a silk blouse and everything.
I had a meeting with an important interior decorator. He was lovely. We chatted forever as I internally FREAKED OUT.
His show room is full of super gorge stuff from all over the world.
"So here is the fabric you'll be using. Here are the sketches I did for you," he said.
"Excellent!" I said breezily with a dazzling smile and lots of good old-fashioned, honest eye contact.
I'll be sewing with cream linen and slate cotton. Clean. Beautiful. Simple. $45 a yard.
"We will need the duvet cover to have a mitered trim in the slate... and here are the forms for the pillow shams. There is JUST enough fabric for the project..."
"Just enough" is code for "there are NO SCREW UPS ALLOWED, SISTER!"
I was externally undaunted.
I can totally do this, I thought, fighting the urge to run. No problem.
I sew stuff. I sew really beautiful stuff. ...Really, I do...
I have never had a sewing lesson in my life. Normally I go to a fancy schmancy store, check out what's hot and just make it with the picture in my head. Easy peasy.
I don't speak SEWING!
"The euro shams will have the obvious, normal flange using the slate fabric as a trim...".
My mind was racing.
WHAT THE HELL IS A FLANGE??? AND HOW DOES ONE KNOW A MITER WHEN ONE SEES IT? I thought.
"Clearly you could do this in your sleep!" he smiled. "Everything your family produces in this town is FLAWLESS! When I heard about you I knew I had to call! I have the utmost trust."
No pressure.
Hey... anybody wanna hook me up with a Valium?
I'm going to yoga now.
It's an emergency.
Namaste.
Pray for me and this helpless fabric.
