Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lonely Witch

I'm lonely.  Witches often are.

It's an burning ache deep within my chest I can't seem to quench.  I'm missing something and I can't be clear what that something is.

My lonliness can't be fixed with a mommy play date or a phone call or a kind blog comment.

I am forever at war with myself.  Vice vs Virtue.  Good vs Evil.

As my battle wages I plead,

"I believe Lord!  Help thou my unbelief."

I fight for happiness.  Reading whatever might point me in that direction.

I hopped on my broom tonight and rode into the stars.

"What is the secret to happiness down there?" I asked the Moon.  "I grasp it for a moment and as a vapor it dissipates."   

The moon offered no answer to my plea.

I drifted through the world and let my tired mind wander.

As I drifted I remembered an important incident.

I was crying on my bed 3 months ago.  My hair was wild and curly and stuck to the tears on my face.  I wore a white T-shirt.

I cried like I might never stop.  The pain in my chest was exquisite.  Pure.  Unadulterated.

My sister, Coral, texted me an hour after the tears had stopped.

"You are not Ok.  I saw you as I meditated this morning.  Wild haired. Wearing something white.  I love you."

Tonight as I wandered the sky my phone buzzed. 

"Coral," I said aloud before looking.

It was Coral.  We had not spoken in a month.  I could feel her.

My sister and I are connected in a way it will take me millions of years to understand.

We feel that we are different and know that we are magical.

We are the laughter you hear in night sky and the dream you can't remember when you awake.

You and I are also connected.  YOU are seeking happiness and find it is often elusive.  YOU are no stranger to lonliness and confusion.

Today someone said, "You appear so confident no one feels the need to build you up. In fact, people feel confident doing the opposite.  You are the strong one in a crowd of insecurity."

I'm not strong.  I'm terrified.

I have a deep rooted desire to be Loved Unconditionally.  To be Trusted.  To blow the trump and let fall the walls of Jericho that surround me always as a protection.

Witches need love too.

Disclaimer (just in case I decide to run for office one day): I am not a witch and I rarely use my broom alone at night.  There are a lot of wierdos out there.  You can never be too careful...

In addition, I am tired of sewing.  I have never worked so damn hard in my life.  Mommy  and The Little Woman all day long and slave to the sewing machine until after midnight.  I'm grumpy and sad.