Friday, October 29, 2010

Gettin' Krazy in Da Burbs, Yo.

"Whenever I see THAT I wanna yell, 'HO'!" said Mindy gesturing at me.

I've met Mindy once.  I was confused.  I didn't quite know what to say.

I seems there was an actual garden hoe behind me.  I thought she was calling me a hooker which is kind of a fun nick name.  We laughed over the misunderstanding

This is Mindy with a potty seat at Wal Mart.  She's adorable and funny and bubbly.

It's pretty harmless here in the Burbs.  I try not to yawn too much.  I totally behave myself and YET tonight when I failed to return Mindy and Lori from Book Group at 9pm their husbands got nervous.

"The girls aren't home yet?!" said Mindy's man, Mason when the clock struck 11:30pm.

"Yeah AND they're with Crystal!  You KNOW that's trouble!" said Lori's hubby, Julian.

Trouble?  ME?!  Why, I NEVER!

Secretly, I'm delighted.  Not much of a secret NOW is it?

But COME ON!  What kind of trouble could I POSSIBLY get into amongst the most sober group of Mommies in civilized world? 

Wild for me right now is going to Book Group and then being forced by Lori to walk up and down the isles of the Wal Mart as she grocery shops.  And we don't even BLINK at the liquor section!

Hanging out with clean, kind, righteous women can be very uplifting and pleasant.  I dig that.  Tonight all the women at my Book Group were lovely and fun and sweet.

That said, hanging with Mormon Mommies can also be DULL AS A SPOON!

Often when chatting with women they enjoy talking about their periods and birth stories...  Yeah.  It is not uncommon for my friends to take turns telling all about when they pushed little Johnny Appleseed out of their Who Who's.  (When you live in the Burbs you shouldn't say Vagina or VAG.  Who Who is safer.)

They go on and on about,

"Oh my period is heavy for about 3 days then it is light and..."

And everyone is waiting patiently to share their personal flow history.

Tonight at Book Group I dropped a bomb.

"I really really hate to hear about periods and birth stories.  It makes me want to wring my own neck!  Birth stories are like watching paint dry.  UGH!  So you pooped out a kid and all is well... The End!" I said. 


No one said a word.  They just stared at me with their mouths agape. Crickets chirped.

I continued, "I also detest hearing potty training stories!  BOOOR-ING!  Unless the child was playing in the poo and wiping on walls or eating it or something hilarious, I don't care."

My friend, Ruth, had previously told me how visiting teachers came to her house and one of their children deficated in the toilet without flushing.  The kid just left the floater floatin'.

Ruth's toddler, Max, found this an excellent time to play in the poopy water.  Ruth freaked.

THAT'S a good potty training tale.  One child playing with another child's excrement is priceless.

Normally, however, people us their stupidest baby voice to announce, Tiny Tina poo-pooed!  She pooped TWICE!  Can you BELIEVE IT?

Yup.  Got it.  Wake me when it's over.

"I'm suprised at your reaction to my statements." I said .  "Do all of you ENJOY hearing each other's period, potty and birth stories?" 

"Our reaction stems from us trying to remember how many times over the years I have told you my birth stories...  " said Kristen.  "I'm nervous I've told too many and you were just bored the whole time."

"Oh!  That's ok.  I'm sure I say boring things all the time!" I said.

They all chimed in at once, "No!  You never say boring things!  Shocking sometimes but never boring."

Once again I am secretly delighted.  For boring is the greatest sin.

I have decided I am mostly happy here amongst these good people that gasp when I say DAMN!  I find many of then refreshing and naive in the best ways possible.

In other news:

  Julian called me an "Over-actor".  And told Lori he hopes I put it on my blog and will check for it in the morning.  (People like to knock my blog at times but they get all giddy and happy and feel special when I mention their names.  Makes me feel powerful.  Like She Ra!  BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!  I HAVE THE POWAAAHHHHH!)

Julian likes to hear his wife eating crunchy cereal.  The spoon against the bowl and the resonate crunch soothes his soul.  He also enjoys when Lori takes off his socks and shoes for him, just like his Mommy used to do when he was a tike.