Monday, August 16, 2010

5 Extra Pounds

"You are SUCH a B&*CH!  I hate your guts! Estoy TAN celosa,"  (I'm SO jealous)  said my Hot Spanish friend at the gym today.

I smiled.

"Gracias.  Pero no puedes ver que me engorde?!"  (Thanks.  But can't you see I've gained weight?!)

"Si.  Pero no mucho.  Te ves bien mas llenita," she said.  (Yes. But not a lot.  You look good a little fuller.)

Then she went on to say how MEN like it when women are full and juicy.  She has a FILTHY sense of humor, which is precisely why we are friends.  I laughed hard at all she had to say.

I HAVE GAINED 5-ISH POUNDS!!!! (I don't weigh myself so I don't know if it's EXACTLY 5LBs.  It could be 6 or 7...)


It's a pattern with me.

I get all gung ho at the gym and I eat nothing but chicken breast and leafy greens for months...  When I follow The Eat Clean rules I'm tight as a drum and my abs are taut.

Then BLAM! I get HUNGRY.  The Hunger is the Hunger of a passionate lover that wants to devour whole the object of his affection.  The Hunger is the Hunger of the Deprived and Skinny.  The Hunger is wild eyed and takes no prisoners.  The Hunger envelopes me and I am helpless against it.

My desire for the PLEASURE OF PHYSICAL NOURISHMENT is insatiable and I say no to NOTHING.

Sour cream and butter on a baked potato?  Yes PLEASE!

Succulent Ribeye Medium Rare.  DON'T TRIM THE FAT!

Chips and fresh salsa?  Enchiladas con quesoANDALE!

Homemade chocolate chip cookies and cakes.  COME TO MAMA!!!

ICE CREAM????  Um... no thanks,  actually, I'm not much of an ice cream fan...  It's cold and I like HEAT.

My mother has always said it's a pleasure watching me eat.  I'm pretty good at it...

So, I eat like this for a few weeks (or in this case, the entire summer) and my pants start to pinch in all the areas you don't want pinching pants.

I start to feel a bit disgusting and disgusted.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  I chastise myself.  NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LITERALLY RUN YOUR ASS OFF AGAIN!  ... Or else buy bigger pants and we BOTH know THAT'S not gonna happen!

Now there is JIGGLING!  Yeah!  And squishiness!  I DON'T WANNA BE SQUISHY!

My Spanish friend is right, of course.  Lots of men like women voluptuous and squishy.  My husband goes NUTS when I'm bustin' outta my jeans.

But this isn't ABOUT men, IS IT?  Nope!!  I'm very well aware that my man is not gonna throw me outta bed no matter how squishy and squashy I get.

So what is it about?

What drives YOU to deprive yourself of the foods you love best?


In a nut shell, my answer is, Yes.

And so for the moment, the Ravenous Lover inside me drifts off into a blissful food-induced coma and waits.