Friday, July 16, 2010

I Wish I Were A Squirrel

Sup, Holmes?  Homie Homerson.

When I was a kid on The South Side the Mexi Kids would be all like,

"Ama!!!  He threw me with a rock!"

What image does that conjur in your mind?  A child flying through the air with a rock in her hand?  A child being thrown along side a rock?

On The South Side, He threw me with a rock! ACTUALLY means to say, He threw a rock at me!

Today I took the kiddies up the mountian. 

I threw sticks at them to make myself laugh.

Then I would shout in my best South Side accent, "I'M THROWING YOU WITH A STICK."

"I'm not having fun!" said Maya.

"Yeah, but how can that be true when there are sticks EVERYWHERE?!"  I laughed maniacally.

I kept talking and laughing.  They mostly watched me.  I took a breath.

"Keep being funny, Mama," said Tyson.  "I like it when you're funny."

"'Ok.  When I was a kid I watched a cartoon about Yogi Bear.  He stole people's picnic baskets.  And he was big but he had a sidekick named Boo-Boo who was small.  And Boo-Boo was very self-righteous and he was always telling Yogi NOT to steal the picnic baskets."

"Are you lying, Mama?"

"No.  Boo-boo was a whistle blower.  I didn't really care for Boo-boo."

Did I mention Serena STOLE my pants?  These are the pants I wore yesterday.

I HATE it when my girls wear my clothes 'cuz they were EXPENSIVE!

Yeah.  I prob'ly paid $300 bucks for these distressed jeans and when my girls STEAL my pants I FEEL DISTRESSED!  I can't afford to replace them, you know.

Serena KNEW I was irritated about the pants so she kept talking about them.

"I LOVE these jeans, Mom!  I think I look really cute! I'm really excited they fit me!"

Then I said, "You can't wear them anymore.  I'll buy you your own pair at Savers.  These have to last me the rest of my life and I'll most likely be buried in them so I NEED you to NOT take my $300 pants and adopt them as your own.  This is not Adopt-A-Pant.  Do you get me?"

"Yup.  I love these pants though."

"Well I'll take some pictures of you in the pants so the memory will last longer..." I said.

Then a thieving squirrel stole one of our Doritos and just sat in the tree eating it like stealing is just fine and dandy.

"Hey THAT squirrel is just like YOGI BEAR!"  shouted Tyson.  He dumped out the entire bag of chips on the ground for Mr. Squirrely Squirrel. 

"I wish I were a Squirrel," I said.  "Then I could live in a tree and eat Doritos all the live long day."

Then I was like, "I believe I have lost something in the distance..."

Then I was like, "I think I'll do Yoga in the forest even though these pants are far too tight and I cannot pose properly ...".

The End

PS  Crack Kills