Monday, June 28, 2010

A Violent Wedgie

I waited in line with terror in my heart and a smile on my face.

“This looks FUN, Buddy!” I said to my son as we waited in line for the first of many water slide experiences for the day.

My son is a dare devil and afraid of nothing.  So he, true to his nature, chose the most ominous slide in the park. I believe it was called, THE NECK BREAKER.

The teenage boys at the park began calling him Evil Kneival.

“Please use caution and personal judgment as to your ability to ride this attraction. If you are pregnant, under the influence of alcohol or drugs or your name is Crystal you should certainly not ride this attraction as you will receive bodily damage to your person and water will, without a doubt, shoot up into your brain via nasal cavity which will be uncomfortable, to say the least. In addition, you may actually die,” said the warning over the loud speaker.

I wanted my son to think I was cool so I did not heed the warning. This is called PEER PRESSURE.

I stepped onto the slide and whimpered to myself.

You probably won’t die, I thought. How bad could it be?

The lifeguard ushering me to certain death was an overly helpful young fellow with an impressive set of perfect teeth. His hyper-happy grin said, Hello. I was born and raised in Provo, Utah in a wholesome Mormon family with high standards and many opportunities to serve others.

“Make sure to hold your head and cross your legs when you go down,” he said with the light of truth shining through his enthusiastic blue eyes.

I wanted to kick him.

Why in the WORLD would I need to cross my legs? I thought.

I rebelled against the system and did NOT cross my legs. What happened next can only be described as a powerful, water slide induced ENEMA of horrific proportions. I also managed to procure the most impressive and violent wedgie since before the history of man. I believe my swim suit actually had contact with the back of my throat.

Water shot into my eyes so I had no idea when the torture would end.

True to the warning mentioned above, water also flew into my nose with the force of an offensive lineman. The water hit my brain and I believe I actually flat lined for a moment as I felt my body hit a bump and literally become airborne.

Suddenly it was over.

“THAT WAS AWESOME!” I lied as I dug my swim suit out of my backside. “I CAN’T WAIT to go AGAIN!”

"You flew through the air, Mama!" shouted T-Bone.

Throughout the course of the day I became of accustomed to this rough treatment and actually grew to enjoy the pain.

My husband and children actually took turn fighting over who got to go down the slide with Mama next.

I took short breaks from sliding to sit in an inner tube and enjoy the enormous wave pool at Seven Peaks Water Park. The constant movement made me feel slightly delirious and seasick. The Double Whopper with Cheese I had for breakfast threatened to resurface but I didn’t mind.

What I DID mind is there is no graceful way to extract oneself from an inner tube once one has got one’s body stuck in one’s said inner tube. There is a great deal of grunting and squirming involved in the process.

One must also not take the “Lilly Pads” lightly as they are harder than they look.  As you can see, grown women look ridiculous when attempting to impress their children by hopping from one moving target to another.

I almost made it to the end before I lost my grip and came tumbling down.

I was sad for the day to end.