Friday, May 28, 2010

Super Mom and Maxi Pads


Stay-At-Home-Moms do important stuff.  We change diapers and change the world.

For instance, my BFF from high school, Kate Clark, created the IMaxi.  It's a Maxi Pad shaped case that holds the IPad.   She was featured on the front page of The Wall Street Journal today!!

I think it's pretty amazing that Kate came up with such an ingenious invention.  I must admit that at first I was a bit jealous.  I was like "Why didn't I come up with a case shaped like a feminine product that houses the newest rage in electronic gadgets?". 

The reason I didn't invent it is because I didn't even KNOW what an IPad WAS until I saw Kate had created a Maxi Pad to put it in!  Her genius and creativity astound me! 

I never knew when we were sneaking out of our houses as teens to go dancing and NOT get drunk that she would later be responsible for an invention that has MEN scrambling to get their hands on a product that resembles a menstruation tool.  (HEY!  The word MENstruation actually contains the word MEN.  Huh.  Never noticed that before.  I like it.)

Btw, we really did sneak out of our houses in the middle of the night and we really did not consume alcohol.  We were naughty Mormon girls without having our judgement impaired, which was great because then we could soberly sneak back IN our houses without getting caught.  If we had been drunk we would have probably vomited with wild abandon and given ourselves away. 

Kate got me thinking about what stay-at-home moms contribute to the world.

I personally have created four upstanding citizens that will grow up and pay YOUR social security!  Yeah!  You're WELCOME!

 While my children were being created I thought, I just can't wait to bring 4 perfect little people into the world to ensure my security when I am a senior citizen and spend the remainder of my days on a golf course wondering what PAR means.  I also thought, I think I forgot to take my birth control pill a few times this week...

Just kidding.  I know what par means.

Some idiots think staying home and having a lot of kids is irresponsible.

Last night I went to my book group, which I spearheaded years ago.  My book group is full of Mormon moms with kids coming out of their ears.

One of my friends has FIVE KIDS!  Can you BELIEVE this?!  FIVE!  (And some people say we Mormons are prudes.  Ha!  My friends has had sex FIVE TIMES!!  So...)  I have four kids so she is clearly far more wild than I.  Her husband is a lucky man.

She told me that a man once stopped her in the grocery store and said, "Maybe you and your husband should invest in a television set." 

And she was like,  "Well now that I've had sex 5 times, maybe I will, you FILTHY old man!"  (She didn't really say that but I wish she had.)

Strangers really do think it's their business how many kids I tote around.  They say having a lot of children depletes the world's already diminishing resources.

I say, look at China!  They are only allowed ONE child per family and now there is a huge problem in that country.

We Mormon moms with tons of kids are not like the old lady who lived in a shoe that had so many children she didn't know what to do.  We know EXACTLY what we're doing.  We are ensuring the world will still run properly when we are old by supplying doctors and lawyers and plastic surgeons so we can continue to look amazing well into our 90's.  We are also trying to take over the world by creating lots and lots of little Mormons.

Educated people in the United States are having less and less children while uneducated people like The Octomom are pushing out 5 or 6 at a time and taking up valuable space on my tabloid magazines.  I don't care to know about Kate Plus Eight and her stupid hair extensions!  I'd rather read about Kim Kardashion and HER stupid hair extensions!  Kim is far cooler than Kate and I really care about being cool.

The point I'm trying to make here is, "The hand who rocks the cradle invents the IMAXI."

PS  I was going to write about the importance of lifting biceps and shoulders until I discovered my friend's success.  The pictures still apply.  Go SUPER KATE!  I'm so happy for you, my friend!